Adoptive mom feeling betrayed by birthmom?????

:thankyou: Thank you all for the great advice . We are still very new in dealing with issues that arise with adoption personal and with the birthparents. I really am glad for the advice because I can't worry that a phone will ring and it will be a angry birthfather. We will deal with it when and or if it every happens and I am not going to be scarred. Everything is final with the adoption and our baby is not going any place and We need to calm down since we have found out birthmom has told some people that the baby is with us. I think it was a while ago and no contact yet. But we will deal with it then and we will have the support for lawyer and adoption agency if needed and we will see if it every happens. I don't want to worry and I 'm not anymore I 'm going to have a great time on our trip and see my parents and the birthmom as much as she wants to see us and let it happen and see. Worry can eat a person up and We had enough of that . Thanks again and I will keep a open mind in the future regarding if and when we get contact. God bless.:grouphug:

Enjoy your trip. Worry can get the better of any of us, I'm glad you feel like you've gotten the upper hand on it.

I also think it's good advice to relax a bit, but I also understand being over protective - I am the Queen. I also understand birthfather issues. Our BF was in jail at the time of the adoption and now that he is out he is looking for us in an attempt to kidnap his son. I live in constant fear. Our BF has a violent criminal past and he would stop at nothing to regain his "property". Anyway, I digress. My point is, I think I know what you're worried about. If you think your BF knows where you are anyway, you may want to get a restraining order against him and his family. Then he couldn't show up or call you. If he did, he could be put in jail. Just a thought if you are really that nervous. Good luck and remember it could be worse, you could have my kid's BF!!!!! :-)

Pink, I understand why you feel betrayed as you made an agreement, although I feel the agreement may have been unrealistic to actually fulfill. I am also in a relative adoption and as far as my daughter's birthdad goes, he has no interest, but I did at least have a conversation with him about his intentions. Sometimes it is better to be on the offensive, rather than the defensive. He'll probablly tell you exactly how he feels if you contact him first (if/when you feel that is appropriate) if he is dangerous, I can understand your concern. But the reality is, you cannot really control who or who does not know about the adoption and who or who does not contact you. All you can do is make a plan for if/when it does happen. I think that in an open relative adoption, it is unreasonable to expect certain people not to know, especially the birthparents' friends and family. If your adoption is final, maybe there is something positive that the birthfather's family can offer, such as medical history and pictures. I wanted until our adoption was final to contact the birthfather's family. I don't have a relationship with my daughter's birthfather (he is in the navy and didn't want to admit she was his), but I did send a letter and pictures to the paternal grandparents. I have not had any response, but I felt it was important to my daughter to have at least attempted contact. Is your fear that somebody else in the family circle will tell your daughter something before you have a chance to? I have the same fears for my daughter. What I am doing about them is keeping a journal and pictures and will be discussing her adoption with her as soon as she is verbal. I also will not let her be with anyone I do not 100% trust unsupervised. There are certain family members who I know cannot be alone with her because they like to stir up trouble. If uninvited contact is made with you and you are not interested in having contact, it's probably better just to tell the person not to contact you rather than use a lawyer. Lawyers just breed anymosity from my experience and it is very dehumanizing to receive letters from lawyers when the people involved can speak up for themselves and not pay 150.00/hr. (IMO) Now if the person does not respect you request, then you can always look at the legal route. You can send me a private message if you want to talk further since we have similar situations. Good luck! Lynn

I don't know where to start with this one. Yes, my daughter's birthfather is less than a good example. In fact, he's someone that probably should be in jail (if he isn't already). However, our children are half these people...thank goodness they don't inherit half the decisions their birthfathers made or half their personality...but someday our children will come to us asking about their heratige. We may not be in a position to tell them much or even in a place where they can meet thier birthfathers, but not being careful about how you talk to them about their birthfamily can be very damaging to the child. Be careful. Getting a preemptive restraining order is not fair (I don't even know if you CAN do that) and will likely only cause more problems than not. Take precautions, yes, but to have them served a notice out of the blue saying "The adoptive parents have the baby and will call the police if they ever see you again" is likely to be counter-productive unless threats of harm have been made or previously attempted. I realize that the above quote isn't what would be said, but to a birthparent that is what is heard...I can't speak for birthfathers (cause the only one I know I haven't spoken to since I escaped with my daughter) but I'd imagine the ones with the type-A or destructive/controlling personality (like yall have hinted at) could very well hear something like that. Plus, it's never okay for an adoptive parent to close the door on a birthfamily if there was any previous agreement of any kind (even verbal) of some form of continued relationship unless the child or family is in harm's way...that's my opinion on the subject. Anyway, I guess all I'm saying is be careful. It's sometimes better to protect your family by not initiating contact or having supervised contact than by starting a fight with an unneeded restraining order. Plus, could it cause problems with your child's birthmother, birthfamily or any other family (including the birthfather's extended family)? "It could be worse, you could have our kid's BF...." Just be careful...birthparents are not trading cards...we aren't old cars that you brag about the amount of work they need and whomever's is worst is the winner...some of us do care about our children and do everything in our power to be there for them and make their lives better. Some don't. Not all birthfathers are bad. Not all birthmothers are good. We are all people, we come with the deal of adoption and everyone should be valued for his or her own right...even if the only part of that value you can perceive is in the creation of the child that would not be there in your home without those birthparents. People can change...and even if they don't your children will see how you deal with these adoption issues and their identities and ideas about the world and adoption will be formed based on what they learn from you. Even if you have a "bad" birthparent who might be a little down on her luck or a birthfather who is having a hard time getting through his past or realizing the error of his ways...you still have a child because of those two people who (even though it's sometimes only one) were strong enough to let that child go so that they could love the baby from a distance for her own good. Plus, every time you down on a birthparent (especially to someone who isn't familiar or part of the adoption world) it makes it that much harder for us to change the ideas out there that we are all stars of Lifetime movies or that we are all like the girl on Friends who talked about going to church camp as she gleefully (and surprisingly) gave birth to unexpected twins then laughed as parents she just met took them home. We are not what you see on TV. Unfortunately the world doesn't know this. All we are are 14 year old baby factories, drug addicts whose children have been taken away or ravenous stalkers who want to kidnap their kids. The vast majority of us are normal people who had a better plan for our children than what we could do for them at the time. We go to school, we work, we have families. We're your friends, neighbors and members of your congragation. We give blood, volunteer and read books to children at the library. Most of us are normal people like anyone else...and all we're trying to do is spread the word about adoption, raise awareness about all members of the triad and live as normal lives as we can after losing the most precios parts of us we have ever experienced. Sorry, I'm geting off my soapbox...

Well the trip went well to see birthmom. she wanted to see us first then we asked if she would like to see baby and she said she would call us if she decided and she did we meet and she said baby was so cute and and she didnot ask to hold baby so i asked her and she did and it went well. I was scarred and I felt so sick to my stomach driving to meet. I was scarred but it went well. I called her a week or so after and I asked her how she felt and she said to see baby so happy and us happy she smiled for seveal days after. That made us feel good. Now I want to know if when the babys first birthday comes in several months should I send a gift to birthmom??? I know that she does not ask about baby but I don't want her to think we forgot her on that special day and I don't want to upset her either. She has only asked about the baby a few times since baby birth 7 months and I don't want to upset her. So any advice to sent gift or not would be great. Thanks.

I have not sent a gift to Bmom on DD's birthday.. Never even crossed my mind, actually. (anymore than I would send my mother a gift on my birthday) I am interested in other people's thoughts on it. I do send a birthmothers card the day before Mothers day, though.

I send my mother a gift every year on my birthday...usually some unique planter with flowers or something that will stick around for awhile. I started this tradition just before my daughter was born...when I realized how much my mom did for me- she deserved a present on my birthday. After all, she's the one that gave ME birth. Anyway, my daughter's parents always send me something on my daughter's birthday. Usually it's a card or a box from Dr. Chocolate's or something, and NOW it has evolved into my daughter's birthday being a special day that I can spend with the kids. I'm actually quite honored by this, but they say that every other day of the year is theirs...but my daughter's birthday is a day to honor me and her. Of course we all spend it together, but I make the plans and we set aside the whole day together, have dinner, watch my little girl open her presents... that kind of thing. That is the best present so far and I'm very glad that they think of me as being important to their lives and to the life of my daughter. I also usually will get a card from them around Mother's Day (just as I send one to the AMom and my own mother). I don't know if any birthmother really appreciates people skirting around Mother's day like it's not their holiday...but it is. I am most appreciative of those who acknowledge me on that day- even if only with a hug! Because of the pain associated with being a Mother away from her child on Mother's Day I don't often go to church that day (it's also embarrassing when they do their little 'presentations' for the mothers and you can't decide what the right thing to do is and everyone knows full well your situation- there is NO guidebook for that kind of thing). So...I think it was last year or the year before that they called and wished me a Happy Mother's Day for the first time. It is very kind of them, my family (yes, we've become a family), to acknowledge my roll in my daughter's life- even if I'm not parenting. I almost never step up and take that bold of a position myself (mostly out of respect for the APs feelings and fear that it could hurt something) but I do very much cherish those few moments where I am called "Mother" (even if only indirectly) and where I am acknowledged as an important and needed part of my daughter's life. I know my daughter will grow up seeing the relationship her parents have with me and she will see the openness, compassion and respect we have for one another, and I know she'll be better for it! Plus, since she has almost her entire family close to her (minus the birthfather) she will have access to near every detail, story and key to her past, her life and who she is! I'm excited to see what happens! Sorry...that kind of rambled along, take from it what you will- just sharing in hopes that it helps someone!

I think that most birthparents say that the day of their child's birth is one of the hardest days every year. I think sending a small gift - flowers, a special card, lets the birth parent know that you understand that for them, the birth of their child symbolizes great loss, as well as great joy. Poolside - it would be the equivalent of you sending flowers to a friend on the day of the anniversary of the death of their child, or if your mom had had a stillborn baby, you might consider sending her a card on that day. Its a recognition that in the midst of your joy, another has lost.

Hmm. I'm glad the topic came up, I have learned something new. That's why I like to read the posts out here. Thanks. I will be more considerate now on birthday's and send a little something. Thanks ladies.

If I send a gift it should be a small gift I thought about sending jewerly. I just don't want to upset her so maybe I should just send a card. I just don't know what to say???I want her to know that we love her and she is in our thoughts on that day but will it be to painful???? Will it be a reminder of the pain? So i guess I would like to ask birthmoms if you feel ok to answer this if you get a gift on the baby birthday how did you feel and what should I be careful not to say in a card or letter to not upset ??? I never want to cause our birthmom any more pain I want her to know we love her so much???? But our birthmom does not talk about the baby with us very much so maybe I should not send a gift??? What to do???? PLease advise me I only have good intentions in my heart and I don't want her to think we forgot her on this day.

There you go. Pick out a good card (it's too bad Hallmark doesn't make a birthmother card...I need to write them about that) and handwrite something sweet like that. Dear _______,

We just wanted you to know that you were in our thoughts and prayers today. We acknowledge you and the sacrifice you made and we are thinking about you on this special day. We love you very much and to us you are priceless!

Love,

AP's I get letters kind of like this from my daughter's parents from time to time. You could also include pictures, a drawing or handprint from her birthchild and any siblings he/she may have. I always ALWAYS looked forward to the pictures and every once in a long while I'll get a picture or something drawn by my very favorite artist. It is truly irreplaceable! Jewlery is nice, maybe a locket with her birthchild's picture and hers in it? Maybe it could be a certificate for a free sitting at a photo place for her and her birthchild to have their first portrait. It could be a giftcard for clothes or some special interest she might have. One year for a holiday my daughter's APs sent me a Precious Moments statue of an angel holding a heart. I don't collect those (so I'd never seen it before) but they wrote a letter with it explaining how I would forever be in their hearts and God's...so, it was sweet, unique and thoughtful. All of these are little ideas that don't take a lot of money or time to put together, but for a birthmother they could be worth more than you know!

THANK YOU!!! My sons 1stmom is DEFINATELY getting something now on our sons upcoming 2yr b day. I had never thought of that, but ofcourse it makes sence to honour and recognise D on the day we celebrate our sons anniversary of life, which D gave him.

Thank you so much for the advice I really want our birthmom to know how much she means to us and I don't want to say the wrong thing and your example is so wonderful thank you so much and you should contact hallmark it would help us people that have a hard time expressing ourselves with words. My heart is fillled with so much love and emotions towards our birthmom I can't even begin to put into words . Thanks again lilifelover.

Sure, anytime- sometimes all it takes is to just ask the right person! I can't even begin to recall how many times I've had to go to an Adoptive Parent board for help! I'm glad to help if there's anything you need!