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:confused: Our caseworker thinks it is time to move our foster daughter out of our home, to save our family basiclly. We became her foster family 1 1/2 years ago when her Mom lost custody for neglect. She met our daughter when she was in foster care several years earlier. They stayed close, and she spent some vacations with us. She had moved out of state and is an interstate transfer, complicating the process of everything. She has made a lot of dumb decisions and snuck out at night, lied about sleep overs, been caught drinking, arrested for claiming alcohol was hers to protect a girlfriend, etc. School habits are poor (failing 11th grade). When she gets caught she never feels it is her fault, always some excuse, or she was just trying to be a good friend, etc. When she is in "trouble" she stops doing her school work, becomes very rude, belligerant, distant. In between times she can be as sweet as pie. She has a father an hour away and the caseworker thinks she should live with him. He is quite strict with his household for cultural and religious reasons, so she doesn't want to be there. This week the case worker visited and hearing about the most recent episode of not being where she told us she was, explained to S. that it is not working out. We are not able to keep her safe. S. says she doesn't give a "f..." about what happens. S got mad at us when confronted about the lie and tantrumed, left to go to her father's. she missed two days school, then wanted to live in the shelter in town, when her father took her there, they both cried and she let him bring her back home here. She is very close to her older brother who lives near by, they see each other a lot, but she won't listen to him either. She won't open up to the therapist, won't let me in the sessions, won't admit that she has choices. One minute we talk about college options and she is excited, the next she claims she can't go because of her grades. If she did homework she'd be fine... she is very smart, has some learning issues but nothing major. We have had her evaluated by several docotors, she has had tutoring, crisis counseling, psychiatric evaluations, voice lessons, a room of her own, every thing... She is a lost soul and she won't let anyone really help her. We know she wants to stay in our community, but if she isn't with us she will have to go back to the state which has custody of her. She has no family or ties there, and lived there less than one year. This is her home state. On the outside she is cheery and funny with her pals. Very charming, manipulative and street savvy. She has NO contact with her Mom, who is mentally ill. Her Mom e-mails occasionally, but S doesn't want to see her yet, understandably. Mom has made no effort to comply with the courts. SOOOO what do I do? The case worker sees how it is stressing out our family. I spend a lot of time on my job with phone calls or emails related to getting help for S. If I let her go I worry that she will throw away her life. She is so full of contradictions she doesn't communicate very well. She is articulate but way too proud. Humiliation is a big issue for her. If only she wanted to work on some issues but she refuses to see any issues. My other daughter doesn't want to lose her, but S. stops speaking to her when she is mad at me too. My husband doesn't see any way off this roller coaster and has lost tolerance of the disruption to our life. Where do I go from here? This case worker is only reporting to the case worker in the state which has actual custody. For her to live with her Dad they have to send her back there and foster care and he'd need to petition for custody. Not sure he'll do that becuase he is also intimidated by her and how she'll impact on his young children. My heart is breaking at the thought of her living with strangers, but what do you all think? HELPPPPP!!!!!!!!!
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It is too bad she is in foster care instead of adopted, because it sounds like she needs to go off to boarding school to learn to appreciate the comforts of home.
Her decisions don't sound any dumber than those of a lot of teenagers. It is just too bad she can't temporarily go into a strict non-home program or environment.
Is there any chance her home state could put her in a program for a few months and then let her come back to you. One of my coworker's sons was put in some sort of military like program, and another one of her sons was put in some sort of go-out-and-survive-in-the-wilderness program. They helped her sons a lot (for a while, until they aged out and got to make bad choices for themselves again).
I read about some program where one young person goes on a long (month?) hike with an Indian (Native American) guide/mentor and that supposedly the long time of just walking and talking and doing nothing else gets the troubled youth in touch with themselves/nature/etc. It was very expensive but if you could get DSS to pay for it, that might be a great benefit to your fd.
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Have you checked into a really good attachment therapist? Not all therapist are the same. Sounds to me as she shows signs of needed one. I know she doesn't want help, but there are ways. I would check out Nancy Thomas' website (there are others, but the zebra one has a lot of pages down at the moment, and the attach one... I don't remember it's address).
It's [url]www.nancythomasparenting.com[/url]. It's worth a check.
Good luck. Teens are tough.
I have to admit that now I am starting to feel more angry than heart broken. That heartbroken feeling will return I am sure. We saw her psychiatrist this week, she got so mad, she walked out of the session. Dr had asked her what it is like when things go well. She said she didn't want to talk about it, or anything. Her responses are so explosive. She HATES therapy when I am with her, although it was only for a few minutes that I was ther. Dr. left me with samples for meds he wants her to take to stabilize her moods. She flatly and angrily refused to consider it. At home she told me the Dr. had told her she is "like her mom" (schizophrenic). I was VERY concerned to hear that, he didn't mention it at all to me! I tried to talk with her about what that would mean, and she said she would NEVER take medication. She was very upset, naturally. I phoned the Dr. the next morning for clarification. I learned he does not think she has anything more than a mood disturbance. That night I told S. I'd called the Dr. to clarify and she was furious with me, saying it was none of my business....and yelling at me that I was acusing her of lying. I thought she would be relived, but she is so humiliated by everything, she was only furious. This is very disjointed, but at any rate, I am starting to think perhaps our house is no better than any other for her, in fact perhaps it is worse. Her grades are worse, her attitude is worse. I am not sure anything will help her except for time. I called the school psychiatrist today since she is a gentle woman who S. doesn't know yet, so has no dislike for... maybe she can help. I am trying to enlist the help of anyone who S. respects. In fact, anyone period... :(
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Really? Tell me more! Because we were close to our fd before she came to live with us, I had big expectations that our stable home would have such a geat impact on her. Thought she only needed a stable home to succeed in school. Last year she passed school, but it was rocky. This year she is failing. Last night I asked her how she feels about her current progress and she shrugged, "I don't care" I asked how she feels about repeating 11th grade, and if she intended to do something about the situation. She replied "if it happens, it happens. I'm just going to do what I've done all my life." Stupidly I said "blow it off, off and on?" Before I got out the "off and on" she stormed off to her room. It was not kind of me but she is in such denial about her part in this thing. My frustration level has peaked.
It could be attachment related but I would not consider worse behavior an indication of healing by any means.
Also, the blow ups could be bi-polar related. If her reasoning makes no sense, she could also be showing signs of schiczephrenia. Of course then there's the whole issue of being a teen which causes odd behavior anyway. Check [url]www.radzebra.org[/url] of more attachment related info.
Bottom line is she cannot control the house. If she won't take the meds, then maybe she needs a hospital stay while they figure out which meds work. At home, no meds, no privledges.
She lies about sleepovers? No sleepovers unless they occur at your house. Kids who can be trusted get lots of freedom. Those that can't, have to earn that freedom.
As for the therapy? I'd go with an attachment therapist that would allow me to be included. If she is lying or not talking to the therapist, she's wasting your time and the states money. You at the very least, need a therapist willing to accept your input and give you feedback on how to deal with situations that arise. They can still do this and keep the clients confidentiality.
Her therapist does see me separately (fd hates that too, claims it is a breach of confidentiality) to help me parent. The Dr. explained to me why he doesn't think it is schizophrenia or depression. We didn't talk about bi-polar. I don't think they would hospitalize her, I don't think her behaviors would warrang it. (I thought about that too.) Have any of you given an ultimatum on taking meds? A friend of mine recently explained that children of schizophrenics often take on the characteristics of the ill parent (her ex-husband did that). That make sense since fd modeled after her mother.
aspenhall
with attachment disorders, you know they're getting better, when their behaviors get worse....
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You were absolutely right about the cause! She is in the hospital now and I had a therapy session by phone yesterday with her. That is what she described. I'd been asking her what happened to that little girl who was with us at Thanksgiving, when she was soooo happy and close to us. She said she did things to try to make us hate her and that she doesn't know what a family is. I had read it but I didn't realize it was happening to us!