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I wrote about my confusion about giving up our teen fd who was so noncompliant and creating a lot of stress in our household. Over a week ago her behavior escalated to a point that she exploded, and I called 911. She was furiously trying everything to go out when she was gounded and her frustration turned to rage. She lost control as I have never seen her do before. It began with her raging off and on all day. She told me that I make her feel like killing herself, and everything awful in her life is caused by me. I didn't take it personally but I called a therapist covering for her usual one to get advice. She said to keep a close watch on her. She would argue with me and bite her own hand in frustration or hit her head. Then I'd leave and she would come back to try another tact to convince me to let her go out. She was verbally abusive and I sent her to her room. She refused to go and turned on the tv. I turned it off, she turned it on. We struggled over the remote. I won. She went to her room swearing all the way. Then she came back downstairs and positioned herself in the kitchen where she remained, staring, for a very long time. I sat beside her and decided it was a good time to look at my cookbooks! She flared up again and got so fierce with screaming in my face and kicking the doors and walls that I called 911. I was afraid she would punch me. She agreed at that point that she needed to go to the hospital. I thought maybe it was to get away from me. The original post is below:[url="http://forums.adoption.com/showthread.php?t=226379"]http://forums.adoption.com/showthread.php?t=226379[/url] She waited in the hospital for several days while waiting to be transfered to a psychiatric hospital. She was diagnosed with depression and is being observed until they see meds are helping. The psychiatrist said it could be bi-polar. She is terrified of being mentally ill like her **. We have visited her often, she is quiet and glad to see us. We have yet to talk much about what has gone on. We did have one therapy session together while I was on a conference call with them by phone. She hates me being in sessions with her. Anyway she wants badly to get home. She is dealing with the issues she has for the very first time, in spite of years of therapy. I don't know what to expect. She doesn't want to go back to her current therapist. She wants to return to her prior therapist (who she wanted to leave earleir). She basicly hates therapy. It is very threatening to her. We will need new rules in place and I dread figuring it all out and dealing with it. I am so happy that she is in this situation where she must face what is going on. I think its the best thing that has ever happened to her in a theraputic sense. She would always say she didn't need therapy five minutes after a melt down that made it pretty obvious she did! At any rate, I no longer wonder about sending her anywhere else to live. I want to continue to support her until this unfolds. She needs the continuity and as I have said before, I do love her. I would never reject her right now. Just wanted to update and get any feedback anyone can offer. I have been listening to Nancy Thomas's CDs, but she is such a hard liner. I have known our fd for 5 years, she's lived here for 1 1/2 yrs. I could not be as strict with her as Nancy suggests. And she is older, the cd seems to focus more on younger kids. I have books too. I will see if we can find an attachment therapist. There are none on the attach sites anywhere near us. Think positive thoughts for us, please!
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Nancy Thomas is actually a very warm, loving person which is evident when you see her in person. The books don't reflect that as well.
You might try Parenting Teens with Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Faye. You may find some useful information there.
You might try contacting the Attachment Disorder Network and see if they can help you locate a therapist.
Even if you do not see one listed on there website, they tend to be good at finding others in different areas.
There website is [url]www.radzebra.org[/url]
Kids who have trouble attaching tend to try to get away from any adults who try to love them. This is not about something that you did or didn't do. It's about her ability to trust other human beings to keep her safe.
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:confused: Its frustrating, isn't it? I do have the books you recommended, and they are good. I have requested help from the AD Network in finding a therapist. They are 3 to 4 hours away. And.. I am very impressed with Nancy Thomas knowledge, ability to obviously be committed and loving and creative. Her CDs are different from reading the book, her warmth and certainly her humor come across. I find it hard to mentally separate feeling "mean" from what we need to do. Especially for me, my fd and bd are both 16 & very close. It infuriates fd that their rules are different. Bd does not need the same structure as fd so the rules are not the same. Bd does school work now with no input and has good grades. Before she was diagnosed with ADHD and on Adderall we did need those tight rules, I explain that to both of them. My bd gets mad at me sometimes for not "trusting" the fd even though time and time again she has broken the trust (lying about sleepovers, leaving the house against my demands to stay home). Just talking to my fd during our first "phone therapy" session from the hospital was revealing. She explained that the reason she can be happy go lucky with friends, is that she doesn't need to get really close to them. Its different with me. She said that she "WANTS to be close, who doesn't want to feel close to people?" But when she does, she starts to feel "smothered" and she doesn't know what a family is... and she doesn't want to do it, but she starts to do things to try and make us hate her. She said she doesn't know why she is mean to me. But now I understand more. What I am worried about is that she is coming home soon and we have to return to life. :eek: I have to reinforce the rules. When things fall apart is after we have been close and I deny a request she has made. I go back to the last time she broke a trust. She gets mad, using the reasoning that things are going well (it might have been good for a week). Then the negative bahaviors kick in and we are in the downward spiral all over again. It can take weeks and weeks to connect emotionally again. But we seem to reconnect. We can both feel verrrry close and loving. She laps it up when her defences are down. And so do I. At those moments I see her as the tender, young, beautiful warm young woman she can be. The young woman I want to nurture and help to grow strong and grounded. I don't want much, do I?!:rolleyes: My therapist pointed out that when we invited our FD to move in with us, I expected to gain another daughter. I wasn't expecting what has happened to us. I still hold to that dream. One good thing is that her bio dad was visiting her in the hospital when I went this weekend. He has gained interest and involvement in her life. It is a wonderful thing for her, but she is bitter as he was not very involved with her over the years while her Mom was living with an abusive man, being a drug addict and they moved from place to place. She has no contact with her bio mom. So, now that she has admitted some insight into her behaviors.. how do we do things? She revealed she is always worried that what she says (like admitting feelings) can be used against her because that is how drug addicts do things, and its what her Mom did. I know in the hospital they are trying to teach the kids that their choices make a difference and to make the best choices and focus on expressing their feelings to their families. Sorry for rambling. I have a therapy session in person with her at the hosptial today. This is the first time for us. She HATED sessions together and refused to talk around me. Hopefully they will make it clear to her it is imperative and non negotiable. She can have some private time of course to talk to her therapists. AND she does not want to return to the therapist at home so we have to find another one.:grr: At least we are not where we have been for the past 18 months. The door is opening:)