In need of major advice...

I'm Not in your situation....but keeping the baby is not a permanent decision....placing it IS....you can always try to parent first and then decide to place down the road (our dd's bmom did). If you "Know in your heart" then the details will work themselves out one way or another. Besides, you aren't expected to make up your mind until AFTER the baby is born....now is the time for research. The question is, Parenting a child (losses and struggles) or Placing (losses and struggles) and deciding which losses and struggles YOU can handle best. I wish for you to have a clear mind and peace with your decision.

My daughter is a single Mom to her 7-month old and she and her son are living with us. So far her son's father is "unavailable". This certainly is not the situation that I would have chosen for my daughter, her son, or my family but I can't change that. The only thing that matters is that, once my daughter held her son, she made a committment to be his mother and to provide him a loving and stable home. No parent wants to see their child struggle. Yes, it's been hard for all of us but she is so happy and so proud of what she has accomplished and her son is thriving. There are more struggles ahead but that's life! The reward for me and her dad is to watch our grandson look adoringly at his Mom with his big trusting baby blues and to know that she alone earned that trust. She was very unsure about her ability to be a parent. The best advice that she got (by reading on this and other forums) was to try parenting first. Yes, it would be painful to bring her son home and then place him for adoption. But given her doubts about her ability to part with her son, we felt that the only choice we had was to help her try parenting first. So, at about her 6th month of pregnancy, we advised her to drop all thoughts of adoption and to focus on getting ready for her son's birth. I think that all of the talk about adoption was eroding her confidence in her ability to parent and, once she started putting a parenting plan together and solving some of the pratical problems of bringing baby home, taking care of her son seemed less daunting. The day that she went out and bought the car seat (after days of careful research about which one was the best) was a turning point for her. She came home with a look in her eyes that said "I can do this!" Does that make sense? My daughter was put on the 2-parent family guilt trip by some "well meaning" (ex)friends (turns out they were trying to find a baby for a family member) and one not so well meaning adoption agency. Common sense, prevailed and she realized that adoption is not a guarentee that her child would be raised in a stable, 2-parent household. In the long term, her son is as likely to be in a 2-parent family with her as anyone else. So far, you have not given a reason why you should not raise your child now that the father is out of the picture. That is, unless you feel that you are not ready to be a parent at this time. And there is nothing wrong with that so don't let anyone put you on a guilt trip if you feel you are not! I am not sharing our experience to try to influence you in any direction. We found it was helpful for us to know other families who were helping their children be parents and that it is "doable" and has its rewards. In fact, I will be on the forum sobbing for support when my daughter and grandson move out when she is out of college.:(

Thanks so much for your advice.I was rather upset when I posted the original message, and I didn't give a lot of important details. I know in my heart that I can parent, and it's not going to be easy, but I'll make those sacrafices for my baby, but then I think about dealing with the babies father (which I tried not to think about when making my decision) and I get scared. I think my biggest thing in all of this is fear. I know I've been told that I don't have to have him on the birth certificate, or go after him for child support, but he is so anti me keeping the baby, he's already told me he's going to fight for custody if I keep the baby. Sure he's probably just blowing smoke to scare me, but I worry about these things. He has his parents wrapped around his little finger, and if he thinks they should throw money after a lawyer to make my life living hell they will. Even though I really don't know why he'd care, this is the person who when I was 4 months pregnant told me I should give the baby up for adoption if it was a girl because he didn't want a girl. I'm having a boy, but maybe that's why it scares me even more, what if he decides that he wants his only son? His parents have made it very aparent that they will do anything to make their son look like the victim in all of this, they've even gone to the extent of calling and emailng my mom telling her how I've ruined their sons life and how I'm such a horrible person because I won't do what he want's me to do which is place this baby. Okay I'm sorry I'm probably just venting about him, but I've tired not to think about him or his reaction for two months now, so I could make my own decision, but now that my dad of all people brings it up, it's more of a reality. I know I've read it over and over here time and time again, about adoption not being a guarntee, and that's one thing I think about over and over again. I've even told my parents how it's just as easy for adoptive parents to divorce as it is for anyone else. My mom has this picture of all adoptive families being like her friend at work who just adopted a baby, they're the "perfect" couple (which I'm sure most adoptive parents are pretty close to perfect). I just don't think they understand exactly what I see, and I'm not sure that I can communicate it to them, I tried telling my mom that I'd probably end up with the adoptive family from hell with my luck. I ended up with the fiance and inlaws from hell, why not end up with the adoptive family from hell to top it all off. I've been batteling with this decision every day for the past two and a half months, and I know that no matter what decison I make I'm going to look at my babies face and not be able to give him up for adoption, that has been the one thing I've known through out this. I question that every day, and I wonder if that is how I should make my decison. I believe everything happens for a reason, and if God brings you to it he'll get you through it. I know it's all going to work out, but this uncertainty is absouloutly maddening, and the closer I get to actually becoming a mother the more worried I get. My mom has been the best mom I could ever ask for and I only hope that I can be as wonderful as she is. I know I need to get in to see my counselor asap, and I'm going to see her on Friday, I guess the whole reason for this post was to vent and ask myself why I'm so worried about this, and why I can't stand by any decision I've made.

Katie, It is hard not to doubt yourself when there is all this pressure to place. Please listen to your heart. Only you can be the judge of what is the right decision for yourself and your baby. As for a two parent household....adoption does not guarentee that. I know too many adopted people from broken homes and homes where a parent died. Also, you do not know what the future will bring. You may not be single forever. You are not a whiney baby. You are a woman... a mother, with a very difficult decision to make. A decision only you can make. So many of us have been there.

[font=Times New Roman]Dear Katie,[/font][font=Times New Roman]I've written before and wanted to share more of my experience with my daughter's unplanned pregnancy with the hope that it will give you food for thought to help you over the next few weeks.[/font] [font=Times New Roman]It sounds like your heart is telling you to keep your baby but that the uncertainly is in your head. Has anyone told you that you will be a good mother? When my daughter was struggling to decide about her son, I told her that I thought that she would be a great mom and she was shocked. She had been fed all of the reasons why she would NOT be a good mother for two months. She is now a single Mom to her 7-month old, and she and her son are living with us. So far her son's father is "unavailable". This certainly is not the situation that I would have chosen for my daughter, her son, or my family but I can't change that. The only thing that matters is that, once my daughter held her son, she made a commitment to be his mother and to provide him a loving and stable home. And she is succeeding beyond all expectations.[/font] S[font=Times New Roman]he was very unsure about her ability to be a parent. The best advice that she got (by reading on this and other forums) was to try parenting first. Yes, it would be painful to bring her son home and then place him for adoption. But given her doubts about her ability to part with her son, we felt that the only choice we had was to help her try parenting first. So, at about her 7th month of pregnancy, we advised her to drop all thoughts of adoption and to focus on getting ready for her son's birth. I think that all of the talk about adoption was eroding her confidence in her ability to parent and, once she started putting a parenting plan together and solving some of the practical problems of bringing baby home, taking care of her son seemed less daunting. The day that she went out and bought the car seat (after days of careful research about which one was the best) was a turning point for her. She came home with a look in her eyes that said "I can do this!" Does that make sense?[/font] [font=Times New Roman]My daughter was put on the 2-parent family guilt trip by some "well meaning" (ex)friends (turns out they were trying to find a baby for a family member) and one not so well meaning adoption agency. Common sense prevailed, and she realized that adoption is not a guarentee that her child would be raised in a stable, 2-parent household. In the long term, her son is as likely to be in a 2-parent family with her as anyone else.[/font] [font=Times New Roman]So far, I do not see a reason why you should not raise your child now that you are not with the father and are away from his drug use. That is, unless you feel that you are not ready to be a parent at this time. But if you feel that you can love and nurture your child, then don't let anyone tell you that you should not or are not good enough. We are fortunate to know a lot of single parents who are doing a great job of raising their children and their support has been inspiring. They defy all of the prejudices that are spewed about single parents. It can be done.[/font] [font=Times New Roman]Hugs,[/font] [font=Times New Roman]Happy G'Ma[/font]

Katie ..... I think you know in your heart that you want to be a mommy to your baby. There is help out there available to single parents ..... use it if you need it.You can definitely raise this baby, it may be hard at times - but you can get through it. Two parent families find it hard sometimes too. I wish you much luck in your decision -and- remember, you don't have to make a decision before his birth ..... take your time.Please keep us posted Katie! ((Hugs)) Jackie

Katie!I have read some of your posts before, and you do have a lot of pressure. And I don't want to add to it. I'm very happy for you that you are getting family support. And, I am willing to bet... that when your baby is born, dad will let you live there. A lot of your dad's comments are probably out of his own fear regarding what he believes to be in your best interest. Through no fault of his own, he's still under the illusion (as many of our parents are:rolleyes: ) that you can't fulfill your own dreams when you have a child. Your dreams may change when you have a child, and even if they don't, you can still fulfill them, maybe just a little slower is all. I think you know what you need to do... Follow your heart and worry about dealing with the father of the baby later. If he's involved in drugs, he can go to whatever court he wants, but a judge will be able to see through him and see he's just trying to get out of child support and whatever other agenda he may have. And, gotta tell ya, if dad pays for your apartment or house the next two years, you won't need a major job for utilities.. ESPECIALLY if you find an apt with heat included!!! :clap: Well, I'm happy for you, and I hope it's not premature for me to say congratulations to you. It's really good that you have thought this through so much. And as aspenhall said, if you parent and decide then that you should place, you can always revisit adoption. But once you place, that's it, you can't unplace. And that would be he** for you and the adoptive parents (if they know the pain you'd be in), and I'm sure it'd affect your child, too, if they see the sadness in your face or your letters, etc. Congratulations, Katie. I'm sure you'll have tough times... but I am sure you can do this if it's what you want. BTW, I think it's normal to second guess big decisions. I think we all do it. It's when your second guessing leads to major regret and realizing you've made a mistake that it's a problem. But it's okay to second guess. That's what I hate about being an adult, you know? Never really knowing which way is the right way. Both ways could be good, but which way is right. I hate dealing with that. Sometimes I wish I had someone holding my hand! Look who's rambling now! :-)

Katie, I am someone who believes firmly that children are best off in a two parent family -- all other things being equal. But that doesn't mean I don't think single mothers can't be terrific parents who raise upstanding citizens. I've known a number of single mothers in my life and the ones who are successful (by that, I mean raising honorable children) are the ones who have the backing of their families and strong male role models (often grandpa or an uncle). Since your parents are being supportive (and I think that support will solidify once they hold their grandson), I think you have a great chance of being a terrific mother. I don't know what the baby's father might do -- save any threatening emails, voicemails etc. I have no doubt that you would prevail in a custody battle. It is true that your situation is not ideal. But you could be married and pregnant and have some tragedy strike. You have the love, support (financial and emotional) of your parents, which makes up for a lot of what you don't have. Good luck.

Katie, At the end of the day I do believe you should do what's best for you. There are many good reasons for placing your child but if you are unsure that you want to then please don't. Only do so if you're 100% sure that it is the right thing for you and your baby. When I had my son in 1981 I was working so could have coped financially as well emotionally to look after him as well as wanting to keep him. Unfortunately I had no support and my parents were adament he was to be adopted. The social worker I had basically lied to me claiming she would support my decision such as putting a stop to the adoption which she didn't. Eventually six weeks after his birth I was told it was too late to put a stop to the adoption yet this year I found out I had been lied to about even that. My experience was bad and not all cases are like that but I have shared simply because I hope you will be absolutely sure of your decision. If the adoption goes ahead be absolutely sure that it's because YOU have chosen this rather than being talked into it. Hugs Pip :flower:

Katie, One thing to rememer too is that the majority of women with facing pregnancy..planned, unplanned, prayed for or surprised, all feel great doubts and uncertainties. When I was pregnant with my last child, my hub and I were NOT in the best place, money was tight, my other daughter was a mere 20 months older and I often thought "What in gods name am I doing and HOW am I going to pull this one off? I have no business hving another baby!" Needless to say, I cannot for the life of me not imagine having my youngest son...he is one of my greatest joys, biggest huggers and always brings a smile to my face with his sweet songs. Somehow it does all work out. We all have doubts, that is what makes us human. E all want what is best for our children that is what makes us mothers. And we will all feel like we have no idea what we are doing and that we are messing up terribly and somewhat else is dong it better..thats called gulit. There is a lot of gulit in motherhood..it just comes with the territory. I think is is so great that your folks have come around. Hugs to them for supporting you. As for dad...if you think that he might be a problem..start writing this stuff down. With him wanting to place the baby, his drug usage, and lack of support..he is not a threat. He might manage to be an inconvience, or a huge time suck, but....one thing to remember..you can plan a great life with a great guy, marry, start a family..and he can also become a total idiot and do all the things that your ex is doing. No guarentees in life. You can worry about what he might or might not do until you are blue in the face, but you won't be able to control..so wait and see what really happens first...don;t worry about it..what happens will and then you will deal with it and come out the other side. Sounds like he is full of himself and a lot of hot air. It will be OK..it will be better then OK...relax now...feel good..you are about to have a baby..it will be joyous and wonderful. Now go practice your Kegals!

Katie - you have a lot of positive things going for you and while I understand there is fear and uncertainity too especially with your ex, it sounds like your support system with your parents is strong and that counts for a lot. I can't answer your questions as only you can do that. However, I will say when I'm faced with big decisions and have a hard time weighing the "pros and cons" of things, I usually come back to one thing. And that is "Often I regret the things I don't do more than the things I do". So maybe ask yourself if you'll regret NOT parenting more than deciding to parent. Best of luck to you and my thoughts are with you during this hard time. :)

There are a lot of good replies here. Also keep in mind that there are a lot of children brought up just by one parent. And also, what if you get married to someone in the future? Wouldn't he be a parent to your child? good luck!

Katie,I was in a situation somewhat similar to yours in some ways about a year and a half ago or so. The so called bdad of my now 1 yr old was threatening me and telling me that if I tried to place the baby for adoption, he'd block it and if I kept and parented the baby, he'd try to take it away from me. I had a lot of fear in my way for a while when I was trying to make the choice whether to parent or place my now 1 yr old and it took me a long time to decide, but I did. I made my choice to place my now 1 yr old for adoption after doing a lot of research on my options and looking at all the legal issues in my state. I talked to a lawyer, the agency that handled my first daughter's adoption, and a counselor to get all my questions answered and find out my rights. After doing all my research, I sat down with my parents and talked through everything with them as you have done with yours and it still took me time after researching my options and talking with my parents and all these people to make my choice. So, I can sympathize with your position and the difficult choice that you are faced with at this time. Everyone here has already given you a lot of great advice and food for thought and I don't want to add too much more for you to think about, but there is one thing that came to mind when I was reading your situation and thinking about your position in all this. What I thought of was something I once said to a girl I talked with once who was asking me for advice on whether to parent or place her baby. The one thing I told her that I think is important to remember when considering and deciding all this is that you need to remember that it doesn't matter what anyone else says or what anyone else's experience is, your experience is unique and when it all comes down to it, you're the one who has to live with whatever choice and decision you make. You have to ask yourself if you can look back on this decision, whatever decision you make, one day in the future and be able to say to yourself in your heart, I'm okay with what I did when I made that choice and I know I did the right thing. You're the one that has to live with whatever choice you make. As others have said, listen to your heart and do what you know is best for you and your baby. Feel free to PM me or any of the others here for anything you need. Good Luck and God Bless. Anne :)

Hi Katie, I think you should consider all your options, and do what your heart tells you is right. You *can* make it as a single mom. I'm one, and while it's a lot of work, it's certainly not impossible. I love my little guy and to be honest, I also love being single and single parenting! The only question I would ask myself, if I were you, is if the baby's father poses any kind of a safety problem for the baby. He is the father, and whether or not you put him on the birth certificate, he will have rights. He has the right to see the baby, whether or not he pays child support. He will also have the right to have unsupervised time with the baby, unless you can convice a court he shouldn't. Be sure that you're not putting your child at risk. If you choose to parent, and you aren't sure that the baby's father is safe, please go see an attorney as soon as you can and discuss your options. Good luck to you! I hope you have a wonderful, beautiful, happy baby!