Sisterly advice...

Sessy, You are absolutely right! It is a good place to start. :) It will be interesting to see what happens in the future between my daughter and her older sister. They look so much alike it's eerie. (same expressions, smile, eyes, hair, etc etc). I wish for you happiness, luck and best wishes in your journey! All the best,J I wish you much luck and good wishes in your journey with your sister.

I've had a similar experience, but from the other side. I was the adoptee who searched, and when I found my birth mom, I found a full sister five years younger than me who grew up with our birth mom. The two of them were very, very tight. But my sister had never been told. She went through a lot of anger and hurt feelings, and directed a lot of them at me (although she realized that, in her heart, I was not the person she was most angry with). I used to joke that I always wanted a sister (which was true) until I found one and she hated me! ; ) But over time things have changed quite a bit. I hear you saying "life's too short," and you're right -- it's too short not to do the things that are within OUR control to reconcile with people. But this might not be in your control. Let me offer a different perspective -- I decided that I would simply let time do its work with my sister -- and over the years we have become friends. We cannot have the kind of sisterly relationship we would have if we had grown up in the same house, but we have discovered our similarities, laughed at our differences, and formed a relationship anyway. I could not have forced her to do that 15 years ago, though. (It has been almost 15 years since I found my birth mom.) Sometimes the most we can do is keep extending a hand, in the form of a note, a postcard, a picture, a Christmas card, and have faith that the other person will eventually take it. I think another thing that has warmed up the relationship is that we both became mothers (I was married but had no children when we met, and she was not married yet; since then I've had/adopted two and she's had one). It gave us something in common, and, because we were both starting on a clean slate as aunts to each other's children, it gave us a good way to look forward. Barbara (adoptee, amom)

I wanted to address this comment made by your birthsister. It hurt your feelings to hear her make this statement, but I think that an adoptees perspective may be very different than a non-adoptee in this area. To the non- adopted blood relationships are extremely important. Outside of a spouse or significant other or close friend, a large amount of important relationships in life include that connection. So it means very much to most people. To an adoptee, blood relationships may mean nothing at all. For me, every single relationship of importance in my life has been predicated on love and committment. Therefore, I place a great deal of value on these things. These are things that are nutured and grow over time. I've never had an important relationship that only occured because I happened to be related to someone. My birthmother spends a lot of time claiming this blood relationship to me and making much of it. She does not understand that, truly, I don't count that fact that we happen to share DNA to mean very much at all. This would seem to make sense when you go back to the simple fact that nothing in my life was ever based on blood. Granted, the way she told you this was upsetting, but I can really understand her frustration. It is very stressful to have a stanger claim you because of a connection that may not signify as deeply as it does to the non-adopted. I think that you should remain open to your birthsister. Send an email periodically updating her on your life. But, I would say that if you were my birthsister and you sent me messages saying that you missed me for example, I would be angered. Personally, I miss people I know. My friends and family. I don't miss strangers I happen to be related to. Having someone love you and want things from you when you don't really know them is extremely difficult. Try to think of your birthsister as an interesting person you happen to have something in common with. Then go about befriending her the way you would anyone else. To presume a closeness exists because of a biological connection alone could really get in the way of developing a relationship.

dear little sessy I can totally relate to you but again on a different level. Both my sister and myself were adopted out, but she was much older so she had knowledge of who are bmom was and she knew where to find her. When I began my search I went back to the source of my adoption and low and behold I received a letter that stated I had a sister and that she was registered for contact with any birth siblings since 1984 this was a shock to find out I had an older sister was amazing. I went to a family and spent 36 years of my life hoping and praying that when I found my birth family there would be siblings. To my shock I found out that I actually had 7 siblings in total. Well I wrote back imediately and had all the paper work done in order to initiate the contact through the mediator. When that was all said and done the worker finally contacted my sister and the response was not good she didn't want contact and she was not going to release any information on where our birth mother was. I was devasted and it took her over three years to finally come around and make contact with me and then when she did I in turn rejected her. You see relationships are difficult as they are in a family but once you start to extend a family it becomes impossibly to predict how well and if at all the relationship will go. My sister is now 46 soon to be 47 and I myself will soon be 42 you would think as grown women we could get passed all this childish behaviour and just assume the postion of friends at least but in the first rejection the bee sting was too deep and too emotional and now neither of has contact or wished contact. I can't change or help or eleviate her pain and needs and neither can she mine and as far as our birth mother is concerned neither I nor my sister even though we can contact her do. Reunion is a difficult process and yet even more difficult to maintain, with no history and no memories to share you just don't know how to bind the relationship.

Hello to all! and thank you for all your continued "sisterly advice". I've had a week to digest things, and then have come back to a few new posts... First, Barbara... I read you response yesterday and it brought tears to my eyes because of the similarities. I too was raised by our bmom (and also bdad), I have a close relationship with my mom, my sister is 7 years older than me, and learning about her was a HUGE shock). But the your words that struck me the most were these... "discovered our similarities, laughed at our differences, and formed a relationship anyway"... and I think that that is EXACTLY what I'm going to keep in mind and what I will hope for in the future. The other thing that I can relate to is where you and your sister found each other in life... my sister has 4 children and I am 3yrs married w/o children... yet. I do think that once my husband and I have children, she and I will have even more to talk about. So thank you for you kind and hopefull words. Second, Rapunzel... I know that once I place a posting up here I am subject to all kinds of opinion and many forms of the truth hurt. Therefore, ouch! I totally see where you are comming from and you bring up a point that I really did not explore much. But just to play devils advocate...using your example of a birthsister sending a letter containing "I miss you" in it... it would anger you because quote "I don't miss strangers I happen to be related". So, if we are "strangers" why would anyone want random letters about their lives from strangers? Not me. Therefore, why even bother? Third, (Such a great conclusion) Seven... You are so dead on! Aren't these relationships so darn complicated? Personalities, perspectives, experiences... we all bring something different to the table. It seems like it's by chance that we make a match with relationships and even get along. You said..."you would think as grown women we could get passed all this childish behaviour and just assume the postion of friends at least". Amen sister! I hope that you find a way to connect with you sister and work through your hurt and frustration. You've completed half the battle and know the identity of each other. (This is going to sound doom and gloom and I don't mean to bring things down) But I myself think in terms of what will happen if one of us is sick, dieing, or deceased... will we still be holding on to the anger or will we have a new anger at ourselves for letting the old anger restrict the development of our relationship? I think that if it's in my control, I'll try to live with no regret.... a new attitude of mine :cheer: So! I am going to give it another try with my sister becuase I did have a good time getting to know her, and we did share some belly aching laughs, she is a very nice person, and if I met her in any other circumstance I would find myself being her friend. So, I'll do what is in my control and write her a "hello" note and see what happens... Wish me luck, and I'll keep you "posted" :)

Kimberly, your attitude, sincerity, and your plan regarding your relationship with your sister is noteworthy and admirable! Hang in there-it seems like you have a vision for the long term. I suspect that you value your other sibling relationships (brother?), and I'd guess that you have some other female "familial" relationships that you hold on par with that of sisters in a good relationship. Maybe a cousin or a very close friend? I had a happenstance reunion at age 36, and I was very surprised at the revelation that my parents had married. I have full siblings, one of which is a sister who is 13 years my junior. In fact, bmother's disclosure of my existence to her was sometime in her late teens, as she was lamenting for a sister. My sister's sentiments at the happiness in her sister being found were without substance and short-lived. How I wish she had been sincere. Granted, I recognize my sister's age, but it was truly childish. You really seem to grasp the value of a sibling relationship, and treat the relationship and the potential to build the relationship with respect and sincerity. I'd find you worthy of a relationship investment! Anyway, I applaud your efforts to facilitate your sister's reunion with your family, including giving her needed space and time with your mom. I hope that your efforts will be richly rewarded in years to come. Carry on, and do keep the thread posted. Jessicaj

Dear Sessy, I did not mean to hurt your feelings. I wanted to explain how it might be that your sister may feel very differently about this situation. I thought that maybe if you could have a greater understanding of why your sister might have said those words, they would hurt you less. My point was ultimately that whereas blood tie are a huge deal to you, to the adopted, blood ties have not been as an important part of life. So it is understandable that while you see the blood connection as extremely important, an adopted person may value other things much more highly. Strangers often go one to be incredible friends. They do so because of things they have in common or that they admire about each other. In this case, the two of you have a mother in common. That is certainly a reason to desire to go from being strangers to being friends and maybe even some day feeling like sisters. As for me I am accutely aware of feeling under pressure from statements of feeling. I find it stressful to have someone I don't know tell me that they love me or that they missed me when I don't feel the same way. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelingssimply because I do not yet return their feelings. I don't miss my birthmother on holidays. I would miss my mom if I didn't get to see her. Not all adoptees feel like I do, but I just felt like I recognized something in what your sister said. I wanted to tell you how I felt in hopes that you could find a way to connect with your sister.

It's great to hear from a sibling's perspective. I have recently reunited with by bmom and 2 half-siblings. I was raised an only child and am excited about having siblings, but must admit I'm not quite sure how to go about being one! Add to that the fact that they are 20 and 18 years old (15 and 17 years younger than me), I'm a bit lost about how to develop that relationship. They are receptive and accepting of me, have known about me for a long time and have comfortably slid into calling me their sister (strange words to hear) when we occasionally talk or e-mail. But they are at an age where they have so much going on and (understandably) this is not central to their life, like it is to mine. My first response to siblings was very distant. Even though I always assumed they would exist, I couldn't really relate to them. I think that until I had established a relationship with our mother, they were very abstract (if that makes sense). My connection to them is, after all, based on our shared mother. So, until she was real to me... Anyway, I can relate to needing to strengthen that tie first. As my relationship with my bmom grows, my connection to them and the extended family is starting to feel more real and important. But, I hope I didn't give them the impression at any point that they weren't important to me. So, I will also follow the advice given here to just keep the door open. We have a lot of years left to figure out what kind of relationship we will have and I can certainly take the lead and be patient...being the eldest sibling and all :) . What great advice you all have to give!

tbooth... When I found my bparents I found three 1/2 siblings...that was almost 2 years ago. My one sister and I immediately became very close- with a LOT of contact between us (email, phone and trips to see one another). My brother and I are just now starting to write letters back and forth.... so that relationship has been slower to develop. He was always welcoming of me... we just didn't really interact much. And, on my bdad's side I have another sister.... She and I have probably the slowest relationship, even though we talk more than I do with my brother. We just have less in common.... as she is in "mommy mode" and I have never had kids. I am within 7 years of all my siblings... so I dont have the huge age difference that you do to deal with. I do have one new nephew who is only 15... (I am 41) and I have a lot of trouble finding things to talk to him about.... I am just not up enough on video games and horrible music I guess!!! Most of all I think it takes listening.... and not being guarded. Like all relationships, if you are willing to be vulnerable things just seem to move ahead more smoothly.

Guess the lesson is the same for most of us. Time and effort for any relationship that's important. The age difference does have an impact. In age, I'm sandwiched between my bmom and my siblings. So, our interests aren't exactly the same. But in a couple of weeks I will have my 2nd f2f with bmom and sibs (unfortunately we live on opposite coasts) and I hope to carve out at least a little alone time with my sister (our first) and will just see how it goes. Thanks, Christi.

My brother and I started talking again after many years when our father was dying, he called me when our Dad was in the hospital- unfortunately I never got to talk to my Dad. I tried to contact my brother when he was younger, I probably didnt try hard enough but I was young myself. It has been a few years now and I have treasured alot of moments with my brother since. At other times I have been on this roller coaster ride. Some weeks he calls often and others never returns calls. I have felt at times like I am looking at him for what I missed out in my Dad or how I wanted him to be. Other times I'm jealous that he knew my father better than I did and I was loved less. And then the next moment I am loving my father like I never knew I did for leaving me with him. I am new at this big sister stuff and I never know if I am doing too much or too little. I back off and push forward, I complain and then I keep my mouth shut. It is really the most bizarre relationship I've ever had. Can I be a sister to him or have I pushed him into it? Questions, questions and more questions..I have driven myself crazy. My father was an alchoholic, he called most times crying telling me that he loved me, never did sober. I have seen some of the same patterns with my brother off and on, the late night calls crying or no return calls at all... I have been trying to accept that my father was just not capable. I am afraid that my brother will hurt me the same. The last email I sent to my brother was pretty mean but my husband and I have called a few times over the last few weeks but honestly it only takes two seconds to pick up the phone. I'm so tired at this point, I wish I could just put my brain on hold for a bit but this whole thing has totally consumed my thoughts. I just wish that we could have had the "normal" sister brother relationship. It shouldn't be so difficult???????????

Biggsista Yes, it is a roller coaster ride.... and it gets worse - a lot worse - the more invested you are in "they SHOULD anything". Truth be told we all have people in our lives who think we should this and we should that. How do we react to that advice?? Not usually so eager to fulfill their wish list are we? (wink) Your brother is doing what he is doing. Obviously you have tried a few tactics to change his behavior. But, as is usually the case - people don't change. They are who they are and they do what they do. In that they are generally very dependable! LOL I am not laughing to minimize your discomfort - not at all. I think you speak for a lot of people.... but the point here is that he is who he is and you can't change him. Haven't you noticed? But, that doesn't mean that you can't change you. Ahh... the good news. What if you loosened up on the thought that he SHOULD be different... maybe for him he can't be right now. Maybe asking him to be different is as likely as asking you to get off the roller coaster - hum.... impossible eh? We can't know what is going on in him... we only know what is going on in you. You are wanting a certain relationship.... well I say have it with him - just don't expect him to have it back. Yes, easier said than done.... but possible. If you want to talk to him, call. If you want to write, write. He will call you back - or not. He will write - or not. Nothing you can do about it. Sometimes simply recognizing where you are powerless enables you to quit pounding your head against the wall. I don't offer these thoughts to be harsh at all... simply to point out that he probably doesn't get up in the morning with the thought, "Gee, how can I really drive that sister of mine totally insane today.....?" Of course it probably will still continue to feel like that for you - at least now and then. The goal is to feel that way a little less, and then a little less.... and then hardly at all. Keep writing.... you're doing fine! :) :grouphug:

Hi Christi- I appreciate your response and you have alot of good advice. I am learning (slowly unfortunately) that the only actions I can control are my own. Last night my brother called (a bit buzzed as usual when he calls) and apologized. Although I am happy he called I wish that it was a sober call. I have decided to get off the "ride" for a bit and just see what happens. If I can learn to expect less from him I don't think it will hurt as much. It have to remember that this has been hard for him as well. His wife has also been extremely jealous from the beginning and has also made it difficult with her insecurities. I have given up really calling his house because she has made me feel awkward even asking to talk to him. She always answers the phone and says "I'll call you back" and never does. I hate to tell her that sometimes, I am just calling to talk to my brother. Anywho, I could go on and on. The important thing to me is that he knows I care and he should know that by now. I am happy that I found these boards because if I hadn't I would have really thought I was losing my mind LOL. I find that other people that have not gone through anything like this, really just don't understand.

I really feel for you because I share your pain. I have a sister that was given up for adoption at birth. We share the same bmom. I started searching for her when I knew she would be 18 years old. After six years I found her. Everything was great over the phone. The so called reunion was even alright. She wanted my Mom to treat her better than she treated the rest of us. I guess she feels that my Mom will always owe her. My Mom did what she thought was the best at the time. Besides me she also has two other sisters and a brother. She controls when she wants a relationship with us. She is always closing the door whenever she feels like it with my Mom. My Mom's health is suffering because of all this. Just recently she told me that she wanted her and I to be close but she would no longer be coming around and that she is moving. I did hear from her today. It was by instant messaging. She just said hello. Other than that I haven't heard from her in a couple of months. Before today the last time I had talked to her she told me she hadn't contacted me because she was to busy but I haven't contacted her either. But I have and that upset me. Its like I can never do enough to please her or she just wants to play the victim. My sister moved to our state and she said she was moving here to better her and her family and we were just a bonus. She will be moving back to where she use to live soon so I'm sure I'll never see or hear from her again. I wish their was something for siblings that are suffering because they are being rejected.

I think that kept siblings have a very unique role in a reunion situation. They don't have the same KIND of baggage as birthparents - so the literature doesn't address their needs. They weren't relinquished so they can't completely relate to the adoptee... And often they are viewed as "oh yeah.. I found siblings too". BUT NOT ALWAYS!! How old is your sister? Often times, hard as this is to admit, we don't "mature" until we are in our mid 30's. It just seems to work that way. We try, we want, we long, we stumble, we fall, we get back up... and for a lot of us the mid 30's mean we "come into our own". Don't give up hope. If you want a relationship with your bsis there is time. But, for now it appears that your mom could use some TLC.... and maybe a break isn't such a bad thing. hum..... I would love to have you offer up a question on my blog - so that everyone can learn from you - as there are some people who don't know about this forum (isn't that hard to believe??) :D