Advertisements
My beautiful daughter turned a year old on December 12th. Her birthmom and I developed a bond with one another during the course of the year. We live in 2 different states (3000 miles apart). We were speaking about once a week or week and 1/2. I had been sending her pictures frequently. Most recently, I sent a video tape of the baby's first birthday. Last week, she called to say that she isn't sure about how we should handle future contact. I asked her if anything was wrong. She said that the year was very hard. In addition, her 6 year old daughter was still struggling with the adoption. She felt that it wasn't healthy for her or her daughter to have such contant contact (she has 3 other children). I asked her if she wanted to continue having contact. She said absolutely She would "freak" if she didn't have any contact at all. I assured her that I would never do anything like that to her. Well, I told her that my husband & I could put together a plan of action. Then we could present it to her and her husband. Maybe we should shorten the frequency of the calls, or send pictures every 3 months of so, etc etc. "Dee" (bmom) said that sounded pretty good. But then she said she wasn't sure. I haven't heard from her since. I am not sure how we should go about doing this. What should I do? What are some suggestions? Birthmoms, please help me here! Thanks!! Jewels
Like
Share
What we've done with our DD's first mom is have a neutral party where we can contact her via letter or email so that if she wants info/contact she can get it. But OTOH, is she feels she can't handle contact at that time, she doesn't have to face the guilt of an unreturned phone call or letter. It has worked out well, at least for her. ANd to me, that is what matters. We want more contact but is she isn't ready or needs space it is our responsibility to give her what she needs. She still has our phone number and address and always will. That way, she can get in touch with us if she wants to. The intermediary is her parents. We have lots of contact vis email and pictures with them and one of her daughters. We send letters and pics for Bug's first mom to their house every 3 months, plus gifts for special occasions. HTH...
Advertisements
Jewels,
I hope that you can continue to encourage your daughter's birth mother to keep in touch as much as she is able to. From what I hear after the first year or two, some birth moms in open adoption find the constant contact too painful to continue. My son's adoption was closed - there was no choice at the time - and while it was horrible not knowing - it did allow me to tuck away his adoption, the loss, etc. So, it wasn't something staring me in the face constantly - I think open adoption is better for a child, but, for both moms it must be very challenging I imagine. For the birth mom the hardest - there is little relief I imagine from the pain and loss - it also must be right there on the surface. I can only imagine how that must feel.
While your daughter's birth mom is considering what she can handle, can you be flexible with her and not have the contact rigid and carved in stone? How long has it been since you heard from her? Please know that she is most likely hurting big time now - probably feels guilty for not being in touch - but also feels that she can't right now.
Be as patient, flexible and understanding as you can - she needs that from you now. Do you know if she has the ability to get counseling or have other birth moms around who might be able to help her? If she could connect with a birth mom support group, it might do her worlds of good.
Thank you for caring enough for your child's other mother to want to help her. Please continue to reach out to her and help her do what's best for her and your/her child.
Periodically I try and put myself in dd's bmom's place and I can't even imagine the strength it takes to want to see and know about dd but also to withstand the pain and sadness that the knowledge brings. Like Southernroots, I'd just encourage you to hang in there, and give her and her children some space to work things out. she may duck in and out for a while as she works things thru.
and kudos for caring and staying in touch with her.
Lisa
As a bmom myself, I had some years where it seemed to flow well with recieving the pictures etc, other years I just couldn't...but within the last few years and my life changing so much I have put a side my feelings and made sure to keep up with the visits and since my E is almost ten..we email and talk to each otehr as needed...she often calls me and comes to visit me so that makes life easier. But I had to really work hard at this and at times wanted to give up! But I did need my space....at times. God Bless your bmom:) Summer