Will she ever appreciate anything???

You're going to want to slit my throat, but I had a really great laugh over your post (because I sympathize)! :D If she's complaining, that means she feels comfortable and loved by you. Hitler's followers sure didn't complain. If she's four and you've had her for a year or more, she may not really remember how terrible it was. She sounds like she has some expectation of life being "perfect." So you're a person who can potentially be a super parent. I was informed I stink on one occassion. :O Best advise I can give is to ignore it with a casual, "That's nice that you hate the house; the rest of us are pretty fond of it," or, "Is my chicken disgusting? The short order chef is out this week, so I guess we'll have Mom's Disgusting Chicken for dinner tonight."

I disagree. I think she is showing signs of attachment problems. She is pushing away any loving gesture that comes from you. If dinner doesn't suit her, she's welcome to see if breakfast suits her better. If she doesn't like her room, you'll be happy to remove the nice things you've placed there. Also, sometimes these kids don't feel like they deserve nice things. They feel more comfortable in the circumstances they are use to, no matter how bad they were. We have a tree out back that has no problem with complaints. Complaining children may complain to it for as long as they like. I only accept written complaints in neat handwriting and they must cover a full page. I also would like a full page as to how the child can solve that problem. Another thing, children who complain about the food must want to cook. They will need to plan the menu as well. If they are too young to use the over or stove, I assist them with that part. However, table setting and clean up still falls to them.

Someone in our support group made up a complaint box. All complaints are to be written and placed in the box, along with what they'd like done about them. She will get back to them in 3 business days. She has recieved only one complaint in the box: The kids didn't like the complaint box.

I have to agree that part of it is probably that she doesn't believe she deserves nice thinngs. She definitely remembers how bad things were, because she talks about it frequently - usually at bedtime when I am trying to get her to sleep, of course. I also think attachment issues are part of the problem. I think this behavior and some others are either testing behaviors or she is (subconsiously) trying to push us away, so it won't hurt so much when she is moved again (which she still thinks will happen). Anyway, after a few rough days I have been able to calm down a lot and be less irritable with her. That, in turn, helps her behavior. But I have to admit that in a couple of moments of weakness, I was pretty tough her. I lectured her (in a very frustrated tone) several times about the complaining and how unappreciative she was. I pulled out the old, "Do you know there are children who don't have enough to eat and they would be thrilled to have this food?" And this is the worst...I actually said, "Did you like it better when you lived in a filthy house with not enough food where people hit each other?" I know, pretty awful of me. I feel terrible and I did apologize to her. It seems like the lecturing actually did have some impact (the complaints have lessened), although I am sure it was not the right thing to do....probably made her feel bad about herself. I like a lot of your suggestions...the complaining tree, having her help cook (although that is a treat to her), removing nice things from her room. Probably what I really need to do is just take a deep breath and remember this is about her, not me, and try not to take it personally. Thanks for all the support and advice.

I wonder if her ungratefulness is a defense-mechanism. Maybe she thinks she'd better not get used to or like her wonderful new life, because she wouldn't be able to bear to return to her old one. Just a thought.....

Sounds like attachment problems to me also. Children with attachment disorder will reject any kindness given. She is trying to push your buttons and it is working. You must be tough in letting her know that you are in charge and you are the boss. This behavior will not be tolerated. Is she in therapy? I think she needs to be. You can lecture her and her behavior may be better for a short time, but in the long run it will worsen.

I have two theories and most likely they are both wrong but hey...ya never know...1. She has never had anyone to complain to before so she is making up for lost time....2. she is trying not to let herself be happy ...maybe she feels guilty being happy with you when she couldnt be happy with her bfamily???? Maybe she is deliberately looking for things to be unhappy about because she is used to being unhappy and feeling normal and adjusted is a strange and unknown area she dosnt feel completely comfortable with yet??? just a few thoughts pounded out in a few minutes...coming from a once unhappy adoptee who grew up to realize that they Do love me no matter what i do or have done and that being adopted is far from the worst thing that could have happened to me. Good luck to you and yours

From what you've said, this sounds to me like a frightened four year old's attempt to exert control over what has been, till now, a chaotic life. From your perspective, since you've adopted her, this "good life" is permanent. From HER perspective, nothing good lasts. Ever.So she has to take control however she can because she cannot trust that someone else is going to look out for her wants and needs.At almost 35, I still do it. No, I don't complain to whoever will listen, but I have to have things "just so" - by my standards, not anyone else's. I won't eat bone-in chicken if I've cooked it. Yes, you read that correctly. I'll eat it from KFC or a restaurant, and I'll cook it for my family & friends, but I won't eat it if I cook it. And no, I cannot give you a rational reason for this.If I'm having take-out for dinner and I get home and find the order is wrong, one of two things happens:My husband goes back and gets the right food or I don't eat. (He won't let me go back for it. He says it's his "job to take care of me." LOL)I will not sleep on the pillows provided by a hotel. I pack my own. There is no negotiating this. My pillows go where I go.None of this is rational, nor do I have any explanation for 'why' things must be this way. I'm lucky to have a husband who is extremely tolerant of these behaviors. I think they would drive most people to kill me.I was adopted at birth, but I was adopted into a family who wanted kids only for the social status they would bring. The abuse I experienced then still affects me today as a grown woman. It should come as no surprise that what your daughter went through in the past is not easily dismissed either.Keep loving her - and from what I've read in the last 24 hours - have her checked for attachment issues. (I only started reading about this subject last night, but god does some of it describe me. Scary)

Afew thoughts... You said things have been good but that she has increased anxiety at this time of year. I'm thinking she is just acting out this anxiety. She can't express it in words so her anger ,fear and sadness comes out in her actions. She probably thinks she will be moved again. This time of year should be a happy time but for her it brings fear and uncertainty. There could be some attachment issues but how have things been before this? It couldn't hurt to have her see someone about this. Keep loving her and be consistent consistent consistent. She is trying to push your buttons. Don't let her see that she is doing this. Do tap outs with any other adult if you feel like you are going to lose it. I work with older kids and many of them have attachment issues. It's is VERY hard I know. Having a family plan on how to deal with things will help a great deal. :)

Thanks again for the input. She does have some attachment issues, and she has been in play therapy (here at our home) for almost a year now. She absolutely does not believe she is here forever. Why would she when we were her sixth home (at least), and the last family told her over and over that they were her 'forever family'? She's been with us longer now (one year) than she was anywhere else. Actually, what I am doing now in response to her complaining is just saying softly, "Oh, are you complaining?" or "It sounds like you're complaining". She usually says no (in a calm voice :) ) and that is the end of it. If nothing else, this helps keep ME calm...kind of along the Love and Logic lines of "you can't be angry and empathetic at the same time". Thanks again!

Sounds like you have the problem nailed. Another suggestion I've heard recently is if they complain make them come up with 2 positive things for every negative thing they say. So if she complains about dinner, you'd say "Well, there's one thing you don't like about tonight's dinner. Now I'd like to hear two good things about dinner". :)

Play therapy does no good for attachment issues. While it may help reveal some trauma, it will not touch attachment. You need to find an attachment therapist, otherwise your daughter will get worse.

I'm glad you are not taking it personally now. If this is a hard time of year for a child who is already insecure and has low self esteem, reacting negatively will not help them feel better. If it were me I'd do like a previous suggestion and have her think of two positive things, but I'd do it in a fun happy way and also hug her and swing her around. It is hard to stay sad and complainy when you are being given a wild fun swing or piggy ride. Plus movement is one of things that helps attachment. My dd went into foster care in the first week of January two years ago, this is the first year I've had her at this time of year. She was a real mess last week. She complained a lot that she felt like something bad was going to happen. She reverted to her old fears that bad guys were going to come in and get her. She couldn't go to sleep without me there holding her hand and with a hot water bottle (actually a microwave-heatable bean-bag thing). She panicked if I went out of the room without her. Etc Etc. It was very exhausting, like back when she was new with me. But it is getting better every day, and probably by the time I get her to a therapist (I decided to change therapists), she will be back to normal. But I'm sure your dd will eventually appreciate things. Mine totally surprised me this weekend, she asked me if she could 'do an appreciation' which she explained is something they do in her class at school. She then went on to say all sorts of wonderful things about me and how great I am. It was very touching! And so unexpected - because she normally is very critical of everything. One thing that I believe helped my dd this past week, was I read in a book that children feel better if they are assured they are normal, so I told her that it was perfectly normal that she was having feelings of foreboding and anxiety, since two years ago at this time her life changed so drastically. She cried a bit but she seemed to feel much better afterwards.

Lorraine, Can you please give me a couple of examples of what they do in attachment therapy? I know i've read a bit about it, but can't seem to recall the techniques. On the one hand, M must have some attachment issues after everything she has gone through. On the other hand, her therapist and DH and I all agree that she seems to have attached to us very well. M is very affectionate with me (although almost smothering sometimes, out of anxiety), and has gotten more comfortable with affection with C and DH. She no longer is inappropriately friendly with strangers, although she does behave much better for teachers and the parents of her friends. M does express a lot during play therapy, and also talks very openly to me about trauma in her past and about current fears and worries. Her biggest issues/behaviors are defiance, atagonistic behavior, control issues (especially about food), and excessive masturbation. It's hard to know what really fits under "attachment issues" and what is not related to that. She has been diagnosed with PTSD and Anxiety Disorder. Sorry to dump all the background on you. I am not looking for a diagnosis from you, or course ;) . Just wondering what is involved in attachment therapy, and trying to get an idea if it would benefit her. Thanks so much!

I'm sending you a PM.