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My birthmother pushes every boundary everytime I have any contact with her. I have expressed this to her gently and told her what I consider acceptable. She just keeps pushing. I agree to see her a few times a year out of pity. I refuse to return phone calls that fall on holidays, but she just keeps calling all day long. Most recently she declared her intent to come to my law school graduation. She did not ask, she declared. She does this in front of other people so I feel constrained to be very polite. I told her it was a family event to me and that I would not have time to spend with her that day. It was very hard to have to say that. She blithely insisted that that would be no problem, and what was the date, she'd like to book plane tickets. I feel like she is forcing me to be very rude. I do not want her there, she makes me anxious and upset and I want to enjoy my day with my parents and my friends. I feel like she wants to be there so she can be introduced as my mother. But she is not my mother and never will be. My mother is the woman who raised me. The hardest part is that she and I are very much alike. Emotionally, I am well aware of how I would cope with unrequited love like this and how deeply I would feel in a similar situation. We are both people who feel intensly. So on an intellectual level I feel very sorry for her. But in the end, I have to protect myself emotionally from her constant onslaught. I have decided to try one more time to communicate my feelings. I want her to know that I do not want her to come to graduation and I don't want the type of relationship she wants. But I don't want to crush her and I do want her to know that if she can respect my needs, I can remain open to some sort of relationship. But I am not open to an instant relationship based on biology. I want to grow as friends the way any other strangers might get to know each other over time. I feel like this might be an impossible thing for her.
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Southernroots
Heck, yes, I would tell any birth mom who doesn't want contact that she doesn't know what she'll be missing..
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dpen6
I have so often felt on these boards(and sometimes in real life) that the burden of making everyone happy was up to the adoptee...no matter how old. It really is a relief, a lessening of pressure to hear confirmation from other bmoms.
I don't have anything to add, I just wanted to make the comment on how differently everyone involved in adoption sees things and feels things. That is why I hate blanket statements. There is nothing wrong with the biological mother, who although they love the child they gave up, they do not view this as "their" child, just as there is nothing wrong with the birthmother who wants to connect and establish a relationship (With boundries!!!!) Just as how many adoptees what contact with their blood relatives, their biological roots, and others who are grateful to their birthmothers and love them, but their parents who raised them are the parents to them. So many sides, so many emotions. I don't think any two are exactly alike. For what it is worth, I think you have been very kind. All relationships need boundries. I have reunited with my birthmother. I am a very intense person, so I know I have to work very hard to make sure I give her space. I am sure at times I probably seem to overwhelm her, but I do try to give space. I feel she probably has a lot more to sort through than I do, not to mention my half siblings want no relationship. I hope you are able to make her understand so she doesn't lose the one thing that means so much to her. But if she does, you have to remember, you can't be responsible for others feelings, you can take them into account, but ultimately we are all responsible for our own happiness. Good luck! Carolyn
What do you know of what she will be missing???
rapunzel_001
I think it hurts her a lot that I maintain that I am glad I ended up in the family I'm in. I'm not glad about the fact that it destroyed her (and I suppose I do feel some guilt about having my happiness predicated on someone else's tragic loss), but I do know that if she had raised me, I think my life would have been very different, and not as stable.
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Both my husband and his brother are adopted, and currently in their late 30's. Both reunited with bmoms in their late 20's. The experience with both bmoms has been very different, and I think it all depends on where she is in her life. My husband's bmom was very clingy, wanting to reraise, etc for the first four months. After that, she felt safe enough that she knew that DH wasn't going to stay out of her life anymore. Currently, they talk a couple of times a year (she lives in a different state now), and the relationship is good, much like an in-law relationship. His bfather wanted to rally us into a religious frenzy, which made DH back off quickly. My brother in law (DH's brother) met his bmom and it was very rosy to start with. But she became smotheringly close, and it really bothered him. Both his bparents eventually married (about 3yrs after he was born). BIL has a relationship with his bfather now (it's very relaxed, much like my husband's relationship with his bmom), but BIL refuses to have a relationship with his bmom. He had to set the boundaries--firm boundaries--because she was really going over the line. In fact, she received a copy of my husband's birth certificate, and posted his information on a forum--hoping to contact him (she has his email address). I know this is scattered, but what I am trying to say is to set your boundaries and be firm.
rapunzel Setting out what you need and how you would like your reunion to proceed is great. Also not sending it because you are unsure how it woud be received is fine to. At least you have a plan written down - a blueprint of where you want to go and how to achieve it. My suggestion (and it is only that - a suggestion) is to invite your birthmother to discuss this and explain that you initially wrote an e-mail (and your reasons for not sending it). Ask her if you both can use that as an agenda (can't think of a more appropriate word at this moment) rather than a demand co comply - and send it just prior to the discussion. It will give her time to take in what you want or need and if she finds any of the boundaries harsh, she can /could come up with alternatives that may work. I remember what it was like in those early days of reunion and how sometimes I didn't really listen to what was being said - instead only hearing what I wanted to hear. When it's written in black and white maybe your points will be heard, understood, and accepted. All hard - all emotional - and yet all necessary for two people to make a new connection. Someone else on these forums wrote - ....and I totally agree - usually when someone spends too many hours on a problem rather than communicating with the person they have an issue with. Do you think this is what your bmom is doing?. Her only child returned - but not as a helpless infant in constant need of attention - instead as a living breathing independant woman who knows what she wants - a relationship based on equality and respect, rather than a mothering-parental connection? I hope for both your sakes that this can be resolved so you can come to a place that is comfortable for both. If not, you can't say you didn't give it your best shot. I admire your spirit and wish to see this through. Ann :flower:
Let me say that fear in thought is always worse then fear in fact
You've already been given some fab advice..........just wanted to send some hugs and good thoughts as you go forward in your reunion. I broke off contact with my birthmom 2 years ago (after being in reunion for 5 years). I honestly think we just weren't healthy for each other. No "blame" on either side, just two people at very different points emotionally in their lives. It's certainly a tough road to hoe! HUGS!!!!
Thank all of you for your replies. It's very helpful to be able to bounce these ideas around.I sent my birthmother an email asking her if she wanted to dialogue about our reunion. She replied enthusiastically yes. So I sent her a second email just dealing with issue number one, my law school graduation. Her response took awhile to come and I think that she had someone help her write it. It was very mature and self-aware. This is good, I know she can be that way. I think she has a hard time doing it on the spot, face-to-face. She needs time to frame her thoughts. So I told her how much I appreciated it and sent a question back in hopes that we can keep up the honesty. And I keep emphasizing that I ultimatly want a relationship as long as it can be healthy for both of us. I'm hoping that that will give her the incentive to do some hard work emotionally. No one likes to have to make changes or confront flaws, so I'm glad she seems willing to at least consider these issues. And I feel a lot better. Instead of feeling so angry when I think about her I feel a lot more relaxed and a little more hopeful.
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Jackie. I am not sure why you are getting so hostile at me. I was not telling anyone to take care of their bmom. Just as any bmom does not "have to" take care of the adult who was once the child they gave up for adoption. I was only trying to see if some kind of compromise could be made. There is no way either you or I know the whole story and, sometimes, it takes someone outside to say "hey, hang on, don't go being too hasty just in case you do regret it later." If nobody said it and things did change later, then there might be one heck of a lot of regret. If things are truly beyond remedy, then I guess a "telling it how it is" - framed in the nicest possible way, is the best way to go. Everyone in any form of relationship is entitled to set boundaries on that relationship. However, it is the way that they do it that matters. I am not sure what it was that rubbed you up the wrong way in my posting when all I was concerned about was that whatever happened, both sides had been carefully considered. Being rude and abusive to someone just because they are a bit desperate is not what a mature adult should do. Respect and compassion are always essential in life. So is learning to understand and forgive when others are less perfect than we might wish them to be. I do hope that I have made myself clear now.
Being rude and abusive to someone just because they are a bit desperate is not what a mature adult should do. Respect and compassion are always essential in life. So is learning to understand and forgive when others are less perfect than we might wish them to be. I do hope that I have made myself clear now.[/QUOTE] You've made it clear that you think that I have been rude and abusive. I started by being completely honest. After two years of reunion where I was trying to come up with kind ways to ask to slow down, I spent another two years feeling completly under seige and minimizing contact-but still attempting to send out normal social cues in a hope that my birthmother would understand that her way of interacting with me was not working. Finally, I come to this forum to vent a little stress in order to determine a good way to proceed. I never stated any intention to hurt my birthmother, only my need to express my boundaries to her. It seems that you may have interpreted what I said to indicate that I was going to make some sort if ultimatum, and desired to caution me. What I was trying to express was my fear that if I told her what I'm feeling she would not listen. You make me feel like you think I am obligated to respond the way my birthmother wants me to or that I have some duty to be extra-ordinarily accommodating to a person who refuses to respect me. Yes, I understand that the basis of her actions is a very desperate need to be loved and to be allowed to love me. It's just the only way I can do that is by growing into a relationship of mutual friendship. That has to grow from the ground up.
rapunzel Well said... The need to connect in a respectful way is sooo necessary. How else do you build trust? I think you are doing everything you can to keep this reunion going forward. You are understanding of your bmothers needs, and (rightly) expect her to be understanding of yours. As Jackie said....the grief is her's....but so is the chance of being part of something that is beautiful and beneficial.....I hope she can recognise that she has a lot to loose, but even more to gain by taking things slowly and doing it well. Again...Well done Ann I
It's just the only way I can do that is by growing into a relationship of mutual friendship. That has to grow from the ground up.
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Pinakitha
Jackie. I am not sure what it was that rubbed you up the wrong way in my posting when all I was concerned about was that whatever happened, both sides had been carefully considered. Being rude and abusive to someone just because they are a bit desperate is not what a mature adult should do. Respect and compassion are always essential in life. So is learning to understand and forgive when others are less perfect than we might wish them to be. I do hope that I have made myself clear now.