Advertisements
Hello Everyone! I am brand new to this forum and wanted to tell a little about my story. I am 25 and have known my whole life that I was adopted. At first, my a-parents were very open with talking about adoption, but as I grew up they became very uncomfortable talking about the issue. We were really just uncomfortable talking about anything. I don't know if we ever really bonded although I love them. I've always felt as though I never really belonged anywhere. I felt as though something was missing, but I didn't know what. Recently I found both my birthmother and father in a matter of 5 weeks of each other!!! I reunited with them in person within a week of each other as well back in September. Things with my birthdad are as easy as can be. I think I get a lot of my personality from him and I feel very secure in our relationship. The problem is, I never really thought about him a whole lot growing up. I didn't have a fantasy built up in my head about him so I had no expectations. If I did have any, they were negative! My birthmother was a different story. I had her on a pedestal my whole life. Our reunion went wonderful. We were both guarded, but had a great evening and talked for 5 hours solid. I felt very special and loved. AFTER the reunion was another story. I've read on these boards about the "pull back" It seemed to happen so quickly. Before we actually met in person she would write me at least once a week, but now it's about once a month. She tells me she is just very busy...which I do give her that. She has three young children a 8,7, and 4 year old, is in grad school, a single mom and is teaching full time. She said it's normal for us to communicate more before the reunion because of the anticipation, but to me you would think you would talk more after because you want to build and cultivate that relationship with one another. She said she is commited, but I just feel hurt. I don't think I can be satisfied with a relationship that consists of one e-mail a month. I guess what I am the most dissapointed about is the fact that I sent her a X-mas present and received no response at all. Has anyone experienced a similar situation or have any suggestions where the person is pulling back. This is definitely a roller coaster and not what I was expecting. Sorry for the long post!! Take Care, Stacy
Like
Share
Oh dear! I think you are getting from bmom what many bmoms get from adoptees! I can understand your frustration & disappointment. I too thought that once we had met my son would want to talk things through and spend a bit more time trying to establish some kind of relationship (or disappear entirely because he had the "information" he required) and that seemed normal to me - as it does to you. However, if your bmom is a single parent with 3 small kids & also is trying to hold down a job & study all at the same time, she really & truly may have precious little free time. I know that this is very frustrating for you. However, you will have to be patient (like so many of we bmoms have to be) and accept the email every 4 weeks or so. At least she IS keeping in touch with you! I also wondered if she might feel a bit torn/overwhelmed by the emotions reunion brings and need a little bit of distance to cope with it all when she has so many other responsibilities on her plate at the same time? Perhaps she has been told that many adoptees also need "time & space" to process and she doesn't want to overwhelm you by being pushy. Please try & be patient. I know that this is very hard but she genuinely does have a great deal to cope with at this point in her life and, as her kids grow a bit older, the grad school finishes, etc, she may have a bit more time that she can spend with you to develop your relationship. I am glad that you decided to share your concerns here. At least you will receive sympathy & support. Just keep posting every time you are worried (or feeling happy) & let others help you to get through what will probably be a temporary setback for you.
Advertisements
I come from another angle as a spouse of a reunited bdad.
Does your bmom have a support network as a single mom of 3 small kids?
She may be working through her own feelings and not have the extra time or support to fit it all in without a spouse.
We live an ocean away from our son. We also have a daughter in law and three grandchildren. They are as busy as we are. They always want to apologize for taking so long to respond or not call or say thank you for something we did. We continue to maintain contact even when we are all tired just with a simple text message on the cell phone.
Sometimes we talk everyday for a week....then nothing for a week.
There are times we feels bad because someone was sick and we did not have time to call ourselves.
Patience, that hard word and action is best and keep sending the thinking of you emails. It could mean more to her than you know. :rolleyes:
Keep your spirits up.
Karen
I think what I have learned from posting is that patience is the key. It's just hard. I look at it from her perspective, and she says she is overwhelmed which I am sure she is. She doesn't have much of a support system, but doesn't act like she wants it either. I don't understand how someone chooses NOT to have support but it seems as though she isolates herself on purpose. It's totally different than how I react to situations which makes it hard to understand. I just wish we could have a close relationship but it just doesn't look like it's going to happen right now. I'm just surprised that she didn't even send a one line e-mail thanking me for a gift I sent. That's what I don't understand. You can be busy, but it would have meant a lot to me just a simple short sentence saying I got your gift- wishing you a Merry Christmas or something. I guess I won't give up yet, it's just frustrating. Thanks for your responses!
While it is never an excuse I find more and more people, family, however it may be that really do not have a clue about thank you notes or even an email to say, "hey I got it."
We literally had to say to son and family, We would like to know when you recieve it. :grr:
Then later on realized that they had never been really taught to respond to long distance family.
They got the message. :clap:
At first we were kind of upset and then I had to chalk it up to that expectation thing. Now I just send things when I want too and I put the little delivery conformation stickers on them. I know when it gets to them. If they call or write I am surprised and thankful.
Good luck and many prayers for patience.
Karen
ps: I am teaching my children at home about thank you notes.
Like Pinakitha said, you may have to be very patient. You may have to accept that you need and want her more than she needs and wants you right now. That has to hurt very much. As someone who is on the other side, the one who is more distant, I'll tell you that having a person want more from you than you can give is extremely stressful in its own right. I know that this puts the onus on you to step back and find a way to accept less than you'd like, but I think in the long run, your success at asking for only what she can give you will make a space for your relationship to grow. Best of luck.
Advertisements
Yes, I totally agree Rapunzel. Actually I did finally receive an e-mail from my b-mom. She thanked me for her gift. She actually had the flu during the holidays. I need to try to give her the benefit of the doubt. So...now I think, now what? I am going to try my best and not write her back right away. My normal knee jerk reaction would be to write her back NOW because I am excited to hear from her. For right now, I am only going to give her what she is giving me so that way I feel as though we're on even playing field and I am not the one always trying and putting forth effort. Maybe if pull back a little it will make her feel better because of less stress on her and me, because I will feel as though she is giving the same amount to the relationship. (which won't be very much!)Thanks for your response and support!!
staceb
Don't know if you will find this helpful but it's a link to a web page that helps you make some sense out of these tug-of-wars that go on in our heads and hearts during reunions.
The web address is [url]http://www.myreunioncoach.com/[/url] And one part off the site is as follows.......
It makes you think doesn't it? Are we the authors of our own happy stories or our own hurt feelings. Unless we are open and totally honest about our wants, we can't be sure what the other is feeling. We are stuck with what we think they may feel/should do/etc.
Hope you learn from the site......as I did. I keep on learning new ways of looking at my own reunion through stories and advice - and it has helped me improve other areas of everyday life too
Regards
Ann :flower:
Let's say that you are in a reunion and you are not getting as much feedback from the other person as you would like. Your integrity tells you to ask for what you want. Simple enough...until you hear that little voice warning you, "They might get mad if I ask for more." Sound familiar?
In that moment you want their love and approval so you hold back, being afraid that asking for anything will cause them to withhold their love and approval. You feel like you are paying a price for not expressing yourself and then you want their appreciation for your thoughtfulness! And all this is happening without them knowing anything about it. The result is stress for you and no hope of peace again until you reassert your integrity.
Through The Work we can inquire about the underlying thoughts in this kind of situation. See if any of these sound familiar:
I need them to like me.
I need permission to ask for what I want.
If I ask for what I want I am selfish.
If I ask for what I want they will be angry with me.
I should be more patient.
They should know how much I want this.
Do these thoughts sound true to you?
Yes, those thoughts DEFINITELY go through my head. On top of it, I'm a people pleaser so I don't want to rock any boats or make her not like me. More than anything,I want her to like me and really want her approval , but I am afraid to ask for what I want. She has pretty much flat out said she can't give me what I need right now. She said she just doesn't have the time. I am not used to anything like this happening. I will for sure go to that site. Thank you for recommending it to me. Have a great day!
I just read your post. I am in reunion also. I think that it is a natural reaction when things aren't going as fast as we would like to think something must be wrong. As you learned, she had the flu. I guess we tend to jump to the worst conclusions. I do the same. I am learning to take a deep breath and realize that this is more than just about me and that there is a lot she is going through revisiting her loss. There are many family dynamics that have my bmom pulled in a million different ways. I am learning that horrible "P" word also (Patience). I am in this for the long haul, so patience will only benefit the situation. Neither of us are going anywhere. Other relationships would take time to cultivate. I think since we know these are our flesh and blood we expect an instant bond. And while I think there is a bond of love, it takes time to develop the rest. Good luck and let us know how things are going. I am thinking of you! Carolyn
Advertisements
Even though its been several months since your initial post, this may help others: I am NOT an adoptee (I am a hopeful adoptive parent), but I still usually only talk to my mom once a month - and we are incredibly close! We just live in seperate states and have very full lives - but it does not lessen the feelings we have for each other. Try to focus on the times you do speak to her - remember, it can be about quality, not quantity.