Is it lonely to be the only face of diversity?

Her feelings may change as she gets older. This may also depend on who else she sees around her. Do live in a diverse area? and does she participate in any cultural activities? She sounds pretty secure right now. However, adolescence is a time where she may struggle with her identity.

Not now but when she gets older it will be noticeable.

I think two things. One is that your daughter may be a bit young to recognize that in addition to being seen as identifiably "different" than white people, for much of society that visual difference means she may be considered "less than"--less attractive, less smart, less honest, etc. Once she is more aware of those negative perceptions, it may mean more to her to have a family member in the same boat. The other thing is that even with the above being true, if you added a white child or no more children so that your daughter was raised as the only face of diversity, she could still have a great life and be very happy with her situation. So much depends on other elements of her personality and your life together as a family; it isn't all going to be determined by sibling selection. So if you find a child that is a great match for you in other ways, I wouldn't feel like you are necessarily condemning your daughter to misery if that child is white. You may also want to think about the situation from the perspective of the child to be added: In our case, we had bio girls who many people (not us!) see as looking "just alike" and who get a lot of attention (not from us!) for how beautiful they are, so I thought about how I would like it, as a child coming into this family, if I was me--not looking like them, and not particulary pretty, and the only adopted one. That seemed like a lot of strikes, so we opted for a boy in hopes that there would be less constant comparison of looks and similarities. Not to say you should consider a boy--I was just using that as an example to point out that any new child will also have identity issues to consider. Good luck and happy searching :)

I think you should be proud of your daughter. She's learned the right things. If you focus on race, she'll get the lesson that race is important. Know what I mean?

Although it is easy for those of us who don't have to face racial discrimination, stereotypes, etc. ourselves to say race isn't important, it absolutely is to the people who do! While there may not be a reason to reject or accept placement of a child based on it, to act like it isn't a feature that will shape that child's life in significant ways--and therefore the life of the whole family--is not realistic. When the OP talked with her daughter about her preferences, the daughter didn't have any preference--but another child might have had one, and for good reasons. Acting like race is not a real issue is not a favor to a child or a family.

Of course race can be an important issue! But I've been very influenced lately by what I've read in the book I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla, which is very well researched and written by a woman who is African American. She talks a lot about how kids naturally have the right attitudes about race and color--which is that it doesn't matter. Kids learn other ideas from adults. And of course we should respect a child who is old enough to express ideas about her potential family. But I still think wenrl deserves kudos for having done a great job raising her daughter. If she (dd) wants to think race is "stupid," so be it. But if race doesn't matter, if that's the lesson, what do we teach our kids when we say we want a child of color rather than a white child? It contradicts the message. I was just responding to DD's very mature answer!

Bluedaisy, I totally agree and know where you are coming from on this. I think about that kind of thing often too. I think sometimes people think so hard about how to be fair or not racist they go too far in the other direction. Sometimes I think thinking about race is racism. True diversity is in the not realizing we're diverse at all. If it really didn't matter it wouldn't cross our minds. It would be like worrying over what your earlobes look like or something. Just plain ridiculous. I agree that T's way of thinking is the right one. Unfortunately, it's not the way everyone thinks and I worry that if we had a second daughter who looked more like us, T. might have to face dumb people thinking her sister is more ours than she is. I worry about when the day comes T. is in trouble and her sister is not and T. thinks "they like her better because she looks like them." This is all assuming and imagination. The truth is I don't know that anyone would ever say something dumb to us (they haven't yet -- and we're in a diverse area) or that T. would ever really care.

You gotta do what's right for your family! I definitely agree with that! I think talking to T about this stuff is great, too. Good luck with everything--sorry I can't be of more help. She does sound like a wonderful girl--you must be very proud!

So this is what I'm trying to say, in answer to your question: for your daughter, apparently, the answer is no, she isn't lonely. Good luck.

Here's what I think: You have a daughter with emotional problems. A sibling is a wonderful idea. However, why add fuel to the fire? Once the child is there, T. will question if she's good enough, and a child that looks like you makes it all the harder. She will question if she's not good enough, being Hispanic. Her behavior will worsen again to "test your love." All this stuff will happen to some degree, but why add potential fuel to the fire with a white kid? JMHO