How are birth fathers impacted? Thoughts on Broken Flowers film

I have been an adoptive mom for 11 years. Last year my older adopted children wanted to search for their biological father. After a week of searching we did find him. We invited him to meet his children at their requests. I also attended this meeting at their request. I found him to be a very warm and sincere man. He cried as he talked about when they were taken from his life and how each day he had missed them. He carried pictures of them in his wallet. They were gripped with age but the shinning faces of the kids were there with him. We put together an album of pictures for him of all the things we had done with them and school pictures so on and so forth. He cried when we gave it to him. The kids seemed to enjoy the visit so we invited him to come for a weekend around the holidays and be a guest at our home so he could experience Thanksgiving with his family. He had no other place to go. My older sons decided to go visit him for a couple of weeks and thats when problems arose. The birthdad didnt know how to handle emotionally unstable kids and got into a serious argument with one of his sons. At this point we stepped in as they both called and asked us for help. They had found that the birth father was still drinking and using drugs and it devistated all four of our adopted children. Once again he went back to Jail and once again he was taken from their life. My daughter cried and said mom he is still choosing the drugs over us. It was very hard for them to see reflections of the past again. So for the time being the kids are once again asking him to not be part of their lives until he gets his own life undercontrol. I myself think both the birth father and the children needed the visit. They needed to see those pictures and know that dad still carried them with him and understand his grief and loss was as great as theirs also. I am saddened that the dad still had his issues with alcohol and drugs because his kids are wonderful young adults and he could have been a nice addition to their family life again. We all are hoping the best for him and maybe one day he can change and become a positive role model for the kids to include in their life. Sincerely, Shar

Hi, I am interested in how do you see the Film "Broken Flowers" My bson is moving in with us, the end of this month, with the supporting love of his aparents. He is 29, coming across country to start fresh. He is single, and has met his 3 bbrothers this summer. His bfather lives nearby here also, they met for a short evening. But in a group event. We took him up to see bdad playing in a band. And then spent the eve at an casino... talk about a betting situation. ( :rolleyes: ) the bfather only found out a year ago about bson. My fault for that, but all has been "forgiven" if that is a fair way of saying it. Not that all is fair in love and war, but ...... for the greater good, we are being open. :) I would like to see the movie. sajofo

I know you do not see many bdads writing although there are some and I think they are great. My husband, a bfather, reunited for 1 1/2 years suffered, mostly in silence for everyday and every year from the day his son was given up. When I met him his bson had been gone for 8 years in the 18 we have been together he had ulcers and stomach issues all along. Within days of the letter asking to open the file and to have his consent to be found all stomach issues poof, gone. I could give the medical results for years. It is great to have the bson and his family in our lives. It is even better for his dad :clap:

My son's birth dad had a very delayed grief/loss reaction at reunion (as did I). The first picture he saw of our son triggered the loss issue and I think that he was profounded affected. I have met a couple of birth dads at an adoption retreat and they were deeply affected as well. One of them has written a couple of books about birth dads and how they are perceived. There is no norm - there are good and bad birth dads and they are affected differently.

My bdad said he only knew of me in the "abstract", no idea of gender and where or when I was born. Needless to say, my contacting him almost 39 years later brought up lots of feelings. Meeting was a very special experience for us. Mary

Many thanks to all who have shared their experiences/insights on the experience of adoption on birth fathers. I feel for them and their unspoken grief. Our society has a lot to answer for the myth that, "boys (and men) don't cry". Hi Sajofo,I'm not sure where you live (I live in Australia and "Broken Flowers" has recently hit the screens here), but I'm sure that you'll be able to find it eventually in video stores. It won the Grand Prix 2005 prize at the Cannes Film Festival, (plus, it stars Bill Murray, Sharon Stone, Jessica Lange) so I imagine that the larger video stores will rent it. If not, perhaps you can buy a copy from Amazon.com . Please note that the film is rather quirky, very subtle and understated, i.e. (in my humble opinion) not the usual blatant, overdramatized, clear-cut Hollywood stuff, so some people might find it rather strange, bewildering or slow. Whatever the case, I still think that Bill Murray's subtle portrayal of unvocalized loss and yearning are excellent. According to Jim Jarmusch, who is dedicating his film to the French filmmaker Jean Eustache, Broken Flowers is about "male/femaile miscommunication and yearning. Yearning for something that you're missing, and not necessarily being able to define what it is you're missing." [url="http://www.festival-cannes.fr/films/fiche_film.php?langue=6002&id_film=4278008&edition=2005"]http://www.festival-cannes.fr/films/fiche_film.php?langue=6002&id_film=4278008&edition=2005[/url] Regards,Ripples

I had a 5 month relationship w/ my daughter's bfather. We broke up in May of 2004. I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was 8 months along (I kept getting my period every month with no real weight gain.) I contacted him 2 weeks after I found out. I just wanted him to know about his child that I was carrying. He gave up his parental rights and signed the papers and everything. He was 25, still living at home with his parents. He didn't even want them to know about it. To this day I believe he hasn't told anyone about it. So anyway, the point of this story is that I have not heard anything from him, he doesn't even know if she was born or not. I guess some guys can't handle it and they just kinda disappear and move on with their lives. Who knows what will happen down the road. Maybe it's better that he stay out of the picture. You never really know how someone will react.

[font=Comic Sans MS]Js' bdad wants to know when I get pictures. He generally starts asking when they are due. He hasn't gone with me to any of the visits (don't know if he will). We didn't see J while we were in the hospital and on our last day I called him (wasn't sure when they were coming in) and he broke down in tears, heavy tears and that was the first time I heard him cry. We still aren't able to talk about her, working on that one. But he told me he would always be there for her no matter what.[/font]

How could it not efect us negativly. I think every day of the adverse efects this will have on my baby. I greive the loss of my child more than the loss of my mother and father! I have many sleepless nights wondering about the what if's and could'a been's. I have intense feelings of rejection and worthlessnes. I was fiancialy able to suport my child. I was good enough to date for over a year, but not perfect enough to be father to a child of hers. She was comitted untill it wasn't conveinent anymore, untill her super religieos family found out about her dating someone who they didn't aprove of. How can this be such a terable sin that the only way to repent is to give our baby to a couple who is worthy (in the eyes of religous leaders) of such a blessing. What kind of bs religion is this any how. this is a child, our child not a mistake to be swept under the rug in the name of god. My sweet little baby is a victom of obsolete and unloveing rules.

I believe that bfathers hurt also. Men are just stronger, they fight with their emotions, they hide them. (most of the time) That is what I think. Everyone who is involved in an adoption process, even the adoptee, I am sure has feeling. In one way or another. Or at a different time of their life. We are only human, but we all grieve differently. Some more open than others.

Sometimes I wonder about my bdaughters bdad. I don't even know where he is or how to find him. He had wanted to parent when I was pregnant but gave me no reason to. No support, drug addict, drunk and so on. He never really acted as if it had any impact on him that I placed. I gave pictures once to mutal friend to give to him and just looked at them and "oh" and did not keep them to my knowledge. That was right after my bdaughter was born. I also know reccently same friend saw him and mentioned something about me and bdaughter and he acted like he didn't even know what he was talking about. Maybe he is in huge denial.:( I hated him for a few years because he was really cruel to me but since I have come to be in a good place, I forgave him. I have mainly hoped for him to find peace in life like I have. Last I heard he was doing the same old things (just stole a car) and hearing that reaffirmed to me why I placed my daughter.

My daughter's bfather couldn't have cared less. When informed that he had a child on the way he pointed a gun at the messengers and told them to get off his property. He's not been heard from since.

At first it was unthinkable that I had fathered a child. I didn't know how to feel. I knew no one who had been in a similar situation. Over a couple of years, the loss really affected me. The guilt, the shame. I daydreamed about how it should have been, and why couldn't I have seen the bigger picture. I have been struggling with this now for more than 12 years, and after finding a picture, only made it worse.

[FONT="Century Gothic"][/FONT] Dear XDad, I think you will find that many birth parents of children who are placed in foster care or up for adoption, will understand how you feel. Parenting is one of the worst jobs on earth at times, yet there is nothing more rewarding than a simple life watching your child grow and learn. You have to let yourself grieve and that process can take years. One day you or your child may be reunited again. Every child I know has wanted to meet the birth mom and dad just to see who they look like and where they came from. I wish you a life time of happiness and a family of your own. Now that you have pondered what it would be like to be that dad. My heart sincerely goes out to you.:grouphug: :grouphug:

39 yrs ago my daughter's bdad did not care what I did with her.He just wanted to be left alone. However he reports having had regrets and thinking about her over the years. He was delighted when she found him a few years ago.