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Hi anyone... I guess I'm here to tell my story so far. So, I currently live in a very small university town, where I grew up. My biological parents were just out of high school when I was born. Well, my father was anyway, not too sure about my biomom. Here's the thing, no one knew my biomom was pregnant, and I was born 3 months premature. My mother relinqueshed her rights. I stayed in the hospital for 3 months after I was born, then my father's PARENTS raised me. My father moved across the country when I was five, got married and had 3 more kids with my step mom. It never relly bothered me growing up, I never gave much thought to my biological mother. ( by the way, SHE moved away, but her parents still live in town and he brother lived here up until a few years ago)... After highschool, I moved out west to live with my dad for about a year. I decieded it wasnt working out, moved back home to my small town. Currently, 23 and in a very stable relationship with my future hubby i hope:love: But, over the last year i have been CONSUMED with thoughts of my biological mother. I can't stop thinking about her, and I cry every single morning about her. I don't even know WHAT OR WHY i am feeling as of late. I do know that I have been develping very resentful feelings towards my father and stepmother - i need to fight these feelings because I KNOW they left me with my grandparents for my betterment, but i just feel like I missed out on a mom and dad and little brothers and sister. He makes little effort to get to know me. Also, my biological grandparents live in the same tiny town as me. And have basically my entire life. They're white and I'm half black, so they would recognize me easier than I would them. I don't even know where I'm going with this but thought I'd post... anybody else with a similar situation or thoughts ?
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Welcome SamHam, It's hard to deal with all the different conflicting emotions - isn't it? Logic/reality wars with emotions. What if's, why's and all that comes into to play. My best advice - allow the emotions so you process them rather than allowing them to fester - understand it takes time, and they may go away, and reappear suddenly. I'm not surprised that your emotions are triggered now with your current relationship / future hubby, you are looking into the future, and things unsettled, unanswered, from your past are popping up. It's a common time for it to happen. Others experience them, you aren't the only one. What does the person who has always answered your questions - say about your biological mom? What do you want? To meet her? To correspond with her? All your feelings are normal and valid and hard. Be kind to yourself. Keep talking here. Kind regards, Dickons
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Thanks for replying :)I've never really asked much about her. Well, that I can remember. I know when I was a little younger going thru a tough time, my uncle had a talk with me said he was glad she left because i am where i am now... i've always known my mother gave me up ....i mean... duhI remember being maybe like 7 maybe and IDK whos big idea it was but someone decided I wanted to talk to her... so we called her out of the blue, my grandmother did... and I dont really remember it but I guess she was supposed to send me a letter that never came. ALso I guess when I was 12 or something, I found her work email and she emailed me back telling me not to contact her... Now here I am... Her facebook is all private so I cant even send her a msg... I'm pretty pretty sure she doesnt want to be contacted. and i guess i've already been "rejected" more than once from her... so why bother?I don't want a relationship with her... but sometimes I get stoned and think maybe I do. Or maybe its vice versa, idk. I just find it interesting i've caught all these feelings from nowhere over someone i technically don't even know! Sometime I feel lke she's like just recently dead to me and I'm experiencing some sort of grief over a loss or something.... crazy times.
Dickons is right, what you are feeling is normal, we have and are all going through it. You need to let yourself have these feelings and try and sort through them. It sounds like you have a support system in your afamily and your future husband, keep talking to them so that they can try to understand what you are going through. I have found this site to have so many helpful people here and you can express your feelings and ask questions without the normal 'what's your problem, your adopted get over it', luckily my afamily never had this attitude but many of my friends over the years did. On here there is none of that attitude we are all going through similar issues. You need to remember YOU and that everything you are feeling and thinking is OK. Keep coming here as often as you like, we are all here for each other.
SamHam, Welcome to the forum. It's very normal for you to be experiencing those feelings. Thinking about strating your own famliy is a big change in life. I have come to understand that whenever there are major relationship changes whether they be good or bad, I tend to start thinking about birth Mom and birth Dad.Especially in mile marker moments like marraige, gradnuation, etc. I think that while we love the people who raised us, there isn't much we can do about the natural affection that a daughter/son has for thier birth parent. It's there, and when the need goes unmet for connection with them the results are we deal with the harsh emotions of it all. That's just how I have come to understand it. There are times when I don't think about her and could care less, and then like now, I"m struggling with it. My Amom's passing is one year ago next week, so just the word Mom as been on my mind a lot as I recall the details of her death. Since I have 2 mothers the feelings get all mixed up sometimes. Hope for you the best, I agree with processing your feelings, but don't let them control your life. At some point it becomes dysfunctional and unhealthy for you and all that are around you. I have learned that I can think about her and then I need to get busy and do something else and not allow mysefl to be consumed by it. Easier said than done. I wish you the best. This is as great place to vent and find support. God bless - White