I got a frantic message...

what a tough situation. my first concern when reading this was her other children. is the state involved with this family and are they looking out for the children in her care?

Well, my friends think it is shocking, but it IS a way to make money... my niece (19 yrs now) had been on meth and gone to rehab, but afterwards since she'd lost her driver's license (due to purposely crashing her car while on meth I think), she couldn't drive anywhere so job opportunities were limited (assuming anyone would want to hire a flakey inexperienced teenager with a drug problem history). She signed up with a web site that offers all sorts of sleazy things that people can pay to talk about (900-number-like stuff). The site gets a percentage of the money, but she made $40,000 in the first months (I'm not sure how many, not more than 6 mths I'm sure). She said she invented her own variety of 'dominatrix' and that she doesn't talk dirty ever. Of course the family is dismayed at her choice of profession, but it could be worse and at least she is supporting herself and happy about it. She was really thrilled to be earning her own money, she got an apartment, two expensive kittens (some sort of non-allergenic cat), a nice boyfriend, and seemed to be doing great. Until she got back into drugs, not sure what her status is now. She did have a very shocking rude awakening when she learned about income tax.

The state took the 2 children she had in her care after the last one was born. She said she thought about smothering the baby and DFCS got involved. Her Mom took the kids in her home and told DFCS that her daughter was on drugs and shouldn't have the kids. Meanwhile, the daughter was trying to get the kids away from her Mom and told DFCS about her Mom's drug use. They believed her Mom. Her Mom took drug tests with the grandchild's urine and refused to do anything about it. Fast forward a year, her Mom convinced her if she agreed to give her temporary custody to get DFCS off her back, she would give her the kids in 6 months. Her MOm, Mom's boyfriend and brother have the children in their home and they are HEAVY meth users. DFCS is no lonnger involved and refuses to look into it further saying she is manipulating the situation. The kids are in danger and need to be removed. I have offered numerous times to take the kids temp or permanent. They go back and forth. If she gets her stuff together she can have her children. All she has to do is get stable. No one is stable in their family, even extended family struggles with addiction and uses all their money for drugs instead of utilities, rent, and food. There have been times the kids did not have food.

Howdy - It would not be something I would do but she would love it. She was stripping and thank goodness has stopped. I think she would feel better about herself if she did not have to depend on an abusive man or drug addicted Mother. I hope she chooses a position that makes her feel good about what she is doing but with her work history she will probably endup in retail or food service that will not pay the bills.

check out organizations set up for women in abusive relationships. they may have some help for her, including counseling, that she can afford. good luck, Lisa

Lisa - I had not thought of that. She no longer qualifies for any government assistance, so medicaid is out of the question. Perhaps she will be able to find counseling for her abusive relationships. It would be a great start.

Hey Tudu,How about shelters for battered women? I'm not sure what their criteria are, but this woman definitely needs someone to hold her hand and hug her during this process, especially if she is hoping to make a permanent, healthy change for herself. It is difficult, and it is possible. It is so wonderful that you are opening up your home to her, and it's wonderful that you are setting limits for her and your family. That way, everyone has the same expectations. I hope she's able to get the help she needs to make a permanent change and break the cycle of abusive relationships. It isn't easy, but it can be done. Best to you and your (entire!!) family.

I was supposed to pick her up this morning and she called to say "he" was home and she couldn't leave. She claims tomorrow she'll try again. Meanwhile she has promised our daughter she will be here when I pick her up from school. She is going to freak out! I didn't want to tell her b/c sometimes she flakes out on us and now this poor child will be heartbroken.

Rachel, So sorry to read what you and your dd's bmom are going through. What a heartbreaking situation. I'm just wondering why bmom no longer qualifies for medicaid or some other gov't assistance? Bmom may be grappling with ambivalence about actually leaving this man. It is very common in an abusive situation. I totally understand why you want to be there to help her and bring her to your home. My impulse would be exactly the same! But, I do think you need to set some boundaries for your and your dd's sake. As others have suggested, it would be great if you could help her get to a shelter or a domestic abuse program. In fact, maybe this would be better than bringing her to your home. I don't know the extent of the violence involved here but if there is a chance that the boyfriend could find out that she is at your home and come after her there, it could put your family in a very difficult situation to say the least. Domestic violence shelters are secured locations where he would not be able to find her. Just a few thoughts. Please let us know how things turn out. I'll be thinking lots of hopeful thoughts that bmom is able to get to safety and that you are able to help her in a way that is safe and comfortable for your family. All the best, Ellie

Well I went to get her a couple of weeks ago and she wasn't there when I got there. Police got involved b/c I thought I heard someone in the trailor (turned out to be a dog). I was very upset and went home after I told the officer the situation. Last weekend she called her brother to come get her from himand she spent most of the night at her Mom's. Her Mom woke in the morning to find she had gone back to him b/c he threatened to call DFCS. Her Mom and Gma went to her house a day later and got herfor "lunch". She told them she did want to leave but he kept threatening the kids and her family. They called me and asked if I would take her in. We made arrangements and they called the police b/c they heard him make threats about them. I picked her up in the afternoon on Monday. She was so happy to be here. Fast forward to Wednesday AM, her Gma called his parole officer and explained what has been happening and called here to warn us. She flipped out and screamed she did not want him to go to jail and how could they do this. She used my car to get cigarettes and I guess called him to come get her. When she had my car she stole money from my coat. She came back and never said a word about calling him, she showered and put on MY clothes. She went out on the porch to smoke a cigarette and after 15 minutes or so I noticed she did not come back in. I looked outside and in her room, she was gone. Left what little she brought and just left. The parole officer called and asked for her, I told her she had gone back to him. We talked for several minutes about what she has said is going on (abuse, drugs, no job, threats, etc). She arrested him a few hours later, they found no drugs and no marks on her b/c they had not had enough time to spend my money. She called me later crying how we were all so mean and how could we do this. I have taken alot from her over the years (telling people I stole her baby, sreaming fits from her illness and drug abuse, etc) I never yell at her, I always comfort her. I did not this time. I told her she owed me the courtesy of teling me goodbye, I am furious she stole from me, I am disgusted at her need for drama and the way she treats all her children as property, and I am not putting up with the abuse from her again. She is welcome to call anytime she would like to speak to her daughter but I would be supervising the call and any visits would only come after she got herself out of this relationship and off the drugs. No exceptions! I love her but I will protect our daughter from her until she is sane again. I did not let her say one word and I hung up. Her Mother and Grandmother all agree she has crossed a line this time. She has never stolen from me and for some reason I am really upset about that. I would have given her the money. I was going to give her my old car b/c I just bought a new one. I had a job lined up for her, she just had to go and it was twice the money she had ever made. I spent a small fortune on her the night before b/c she came with nothing. Not to mention, she left wearing my clothes. Our DD was upset but it is sad to say she (at only 4) was not surprised to find her gone. She actually commented it was nice while it lasted. WOW! It really is not the money, I am worried about her mental health and life. I wonder if our relationship will ever be the same. That's a load off my chest.

One other thing really added insult to injury today was I had to take her off our DD's pick up list at school. They gave me such a time when I added her, you know the usual, aren't you afraid she will steal her crap. I was embarrassed and defensive today when the comments came. "I thought you were making a mistake when you added her, you can't trust a birth mother" I went off. They don't know how wonderful she can be. How proud of her we have been. We love her, she is a dear friend. I may be mad but I don't want anyone to say anything mean or rude about her. I am afraid for her right now and there is nothing I can do to protect her. I did not share the details of why I had to remove her, I just said she had gone home and there was no need to have her on there. I hate stupid people!

sounds like you did the right thing, (((hugs))). sorry it worked out this way. She may reach a point where she's decided that she needs help, and sometimes that's really rock bottom and clearly she's not there yet. I hope she works everything out. I'm glad you've kept the lines of communication open for her. Lisa

Wow, I really feel for the situation you and your daughter's bmom are going through. I am a bmom, and I hope it's OK to interject here. You are offereing her a wonderful measure of support and what seems like judgement-free guidance, but it sounds like she is actively using and in a very unhealthy place.I don't know whether or not it might be of help to YOU (and by extension, your daughter) but I always recommend Al-Anon to those involved with addicted people. One of the hardest things to learn (for me) is that I can't cure it (whatever the addiction is); it's not about me, not a reflection of me and no amount of "if you loved me (or your daughter) you would stop using". It is hard to be detached -loving but not all wrapped up -and it does get dramatic! The suggestions about women's shelters are good, there are also "clean houses" that addicted folks in recovery can live in, get a job, stay clean. Is she in a 12 Step program, do you know? You can't make anyone do anything and I hear your dedication and support for your daughter (her bio child, that must be kinda scary on one level, to wonder about possible genetic tendencies for addiction?)I hope I'm not coming accross as sticking my nose in, this just really resonated with me. I was in an abusive realtionship with my children's bfather and while it was years ago, I still deal with it. I'm now married to a somehwhat recovering alcohlic and at times I think I'm going to go crazy. We have two children and I wonder if they will have addictions in their life.So, I just thought I would jump in and suggest Al-Anon to myabe provide you with some solace and support (since she is likely to be an ongoing presence in your lives) and say that I think you are doing an amazing job of modeling unconditional love and compassion for your dd. Too many people treat those addicted as scum, forgetting that it is a disease that no one willingly signs up for. Your daughter is learning LOVE from you. You sound like a great person and a wonderful mother.GiGi(A bmom)

Wow!! What a sad story (for bmom). She needs to hit rock bottom or realize that she deserves so much more!! Kudos to you for helping her. I'm scared for the other kids. If gma is getting a stipend (kinship fostering), she won't want to give that up. Saying a prayer for everyone involved!!

do you think that maybe you are too close to the situation with the bmother? is it possible that all the help you are offering isn't really helping and is perhaps only causing stress for your family? could the relationship between you and the bmother actually be unhealthy? i don't ask these questions to be cheeky, but we have just been involved in a similarly close situation and, though our friend didn't have half as many serious issues as your friend, those issues coupled with our close relationship concerned us enough to cause us to bow out of the adoption (and we were present at birth -this month- and had the baby in our home so it was and is no easy thing!). i have helped and sacrificed for my friend for a year... to the point where it was definitely affecting my family... and there just came a time when i really had to wonder if my help was actually hurting her. i stepped away for a period of a few months around Christmas, and i was concerned that she would fall completely apart, very worried, so i left it to prayer. but she actually did beautifully! sometimes the tremendous support and help we offer can actually be a hinderance. weird but true. so perhaps for her good and for the good of your family, you might consider setting your friend free. she placed her child with you so that she (the child) would have a stable life. if your friend causes some serious family stress, then perhaps you can honor your friend by giving her what she wanted initially: a stable life for her daughter... and again, perhaps that means a fair amount of buffering from the crazy, crazy life of your very precious but very unhealthy friend. may God watch over your situation, give you the courage to make wise decisions for the health of your family, and may He restore your peace. may God also shine the light on your dear but terribly troubled friend. may she find peace, health and happiness.