Connection with birthmother

Originally Posted By MissyMy husband and I have two children. Our daughter was adopted 11/97 and is a very open adoption with both birthparents and their families. Our son was adopted 8/00 and was semi-open, however we have not heard from the brithmother since we received placement in August. Our son's brithmother expressed an interest in receiving information and photos of him when all the necessary paperwork was completed.I'm replying to you because we share situations in that our son's BM was able to conceal the pregnancy. Her other two children have no idea they have a half brother. None of her family, friends or co-workers were aware she had a third child. We struggled with the contact issue. When we discovered we wouldn't be receiving any feedback or information from her we had to decide on our own if she wanted the information. At Christmas we sent a card with a family photo and our Christmas letter. We kept the letter very generic in case anyone else opened the card. We added a note to contact our social worker (we mentioned her by name and left off the social worker part). We then sent a larger packet of photos and information to the social worker. We asked her to contact our son's BM and inform her of the packet if the BM was interested in picking it up.Essentially we put the responsibility with the BM to obtain the information if she is interested. We have decided to continue this for two years. If after that time she has not responded to the social worker we will discontinue sending large quantities of photos and only send the generic Christmas card and family photo.It's very difficult making this decision because we hoped to have an open relationship with both our children's birthfamilies. However we are walking a tight-rope, trying to decide what she wants without hurting her.I don't have results to give you feed back on, I can only tell you about our game plan. As you know things are always changing with adoption. You really need to roll with the punches and find what works for your family.I would welcome any other advice in dealing with issues such as I've mentioned above. Thanks for listening.

Originally Posted By LisaThanks for your response. I thought maybe you'd want to know that since posting my message, I spoke with a friend at work who is adopted herself. I shared my concerns with her about us maintaining some sort of contact with my son's BM. She cautioned me to be very careful. She said that his BM may not want anything to do with him and that may cause him hurt in the future should we share with him her lack of response to our letters/photos. She told me about another young women's attempt to meet her BM and having a door slammed in her face. My friend said that maybe it's better to let the situation go. His BM knows how to contact us through our lawyer, and can connect with us when ready, if ever. I still feel badly (maybe because I cannot imagine her not wanting to know about this beautiful child she brought into this world), but I can deal with it if it means protecting our child from feelings of rejection. I don't know if this helps you, but it gave me a different perspective on the situation. I, too, am curious to hear about other people's experiences related to this subject, and how they have dealt with it. (I keep a journal about our son's growth, and photos too. Maybe one day she'll be ready to see it.)Thanks for sharing.

Originally Posted By You can't protect the adoptees feelingsI hope you talk with more adoptees on this issue. How ever much you want to protect the adoptee from feeling pain -- they are going to feel some. The questions we ask ourselves (why why why), can never fully be answered or accepted by all of us. Although, I as an adult understand the "reasons" for placement -- it doesn't lessen how I feel about being placed. It hurts us to know that for whatever reason we had to be adopted and that we will always be remined of that each time we look into a mirror -- or asked why can't you be more like us.People want to believe that an adopted child is no different than a biological one. But is that really true? Within a biological family there are many genetic factors and personality traits that should not be ignored. This doesn't mean that an adoptive family is not equal to a biological family just that they are different and should not be expected to be the same.My parents even tried to hide the fact that we were adopted. I am not sure of their motives for doing so, but it only increased the feeling of betrayal and hurt.I think we are going to feel whatever we are going to feel and it won't make it any better -- no matter what an adoptive parent tries to do. Its a journey that the adoptee takes alone -- Unfortunately.

Originally Posted By I agree and thanksWe are basically in the same situation as you. Thanks for your post...it helps to see others opinions. I too can't imagine my childs bmom not caring or wanting to know anything. It's our babys bday today and I was hoping to hear from the bmom but it didn't happen. Thanks again...

Originally Posted By AndyOur boy's are just 14 month old, but I am worried about them being hurt, when they find out that they are adopted - the only good thing is that they are twins - they will always have each other

Originally Posted By DeannaWas there an agency involved? We have a similar situation and our birth mother requested photos sent to the adoption agency - who in turn forwards them to her. In the event that she moves, she knows that the letters and photos will be waiting for her at the adoption agency.