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im 21, not prepared, but thankfully have the support of a few good friends & my parents on my side.. my problem is making a descision about what i should do. i have only been seeing my boyfriend (now the ex.. we broke up before we found out about the pregnancy) for around 3 months. he is irresponsible, hurtful, and totally not ready or willing to sacrifice any of his dreams or desires in life to have this child. he is still a child himself.. (also 21) he is going through a hippie stage in his life right now where he wants to say "screw society.. im right, this is the way every human should live!" when i asked him his thoughts & ideas about our situation.. he was only willing to do things his way, which consisted of: moving 2-3 times a year from british columbia to new brunswick during & after the pregnancy period so he could pick mushrooms, chantrelles & morels.. he just came up with the idea a month ago that he could start a very lucrative business for himself doing this. (keep in mind he is not willing to go to the bank for any support... he has 2 credit card debts, and must blame the bank for spending all of his money instead of not being responsible for his own actions!!) his ideal conditions would be living in a self-built shack in the woods without running water or electricity.. while raising a newborn! i told him there was absolutely no way i could consider doing that.. sure, maybe it would be fun if it were just the two of us.. but he seems to forget anything except himself, as usual.. so after a few days of fighting, he agrees that we could get an apartment. awesome. then the next issue that comes up is that i am not intrested in following him around the country on his every whim to follow the growth of mushrooms, and that i would like to have a place we could call home. i compromise and say we could move once a year, dividing our time between bc & nb since i could see it was an issue he was very adamant about. he won't stand for it... he is not intrested in anything i have to say. he says i will never have a child in my life if i do not let go of my high standards.. (wanting running water & electricity, having a washing machine..) he says we don't need those things to comfortably raise a child... well then he can wash all of the baby's accidents from the clothing 3 times a day! he is unreasonable about everything we discuss.. not even just issues about this baby. he continues saying i will never be satisfied in life or find a man to love if i hold the idea that i can be happy.. he thinks it's okay to stay together for the child despite a hatred which has grown between us. anyway.. im sorry this is long, but i have no one else to talk to.. all of the crisis pregnancy centres in my province are affiliated with christianity, and have never grown up in religion. i know i am young and have many things i could still do with my life, but there is something inside of me that can't accept abortion. I am not morally objected to the idea, quite the contrary, im pro-choice.. and until i actually ended up in this situation myself, i didnt think i would even consider keeping the child until i was more stable in life. I know it would be very hard, but i know i could do this... i am scared that i may end up regretting my desicision, to be honest, and would not want that to happen. also, despite being not wanting to have this baby, my Ex insists that he will be at this baby's side no matter what, after everything... i am not intrested in him being a part of my life... am i being irrational? why is he doing this? perhaps he's trying to pressure me into the abortion since he knows how opposed i am towards him and his ideas.. the reason we broke up is because of how hurtful he is to me.. he calls me negative all the time for stupid things (i thought we were going to miss the bus one day, and he yelled at me for my supposed negativity instead of being supportive and saying something like no, we can make it!) he frequently says "im right.. you're wrong".. he says he's sorry after i tell him how much the things he's doing to me hurt, but says he can't help that's the way he feels.. admitting his hurtful thoughts are true and not just said out of irrational anger. i feel forced into abortion... i dont know how i will deal with it afterwards if i cannot fully be sure of my descision. everything was okay until he said he would persue legal action against me if i tried to raise the baby on my own... i don't want to deal with that.. especially when he says he doesnt want it.. i've cut off contact with him now for the past few days as all he does it put me down & confuse me even more. thank god my parents are understanding or i dont know what i would do.. what do you all think?
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thank you all for your support so far.. adoption is not something i am willing to consider.. seeing as though i am very intrested, yet somewhat confused & scared at the moment, in having this baby.. i could not see myself going through the 9 months of pregnancy, holding my child in my arms after birth, then simply give it away to another family. i'd regret it forever.. my mother almost aborted my sister when she was younger.. she made it as far as the doctors office, but had to turn around. she just couldnt do it.. i feel the same way. she wasn't ready either, and was with not the most mature or supportive man, but did okay anyway. she ended up marrying him out of pressure from her family, only to leave him after a year... then when she met my father, he adopted her and has treated the two of us as equals ever since. im horrible at making any descisions and often put them off until the last moment. i always make them, and can easily live with whatever i choose... but this is the hardest thing i've had to decide in my entire life.. my heart goes out to other women who's parents don't support them. i was scared to death to mention it to them, but it was actually my dad who asked me if i was pregnant.. he said he could tell something was different about me. ahh.. alright. i made a soup this afternoon.. i think im going to eat some and just try to calm down. i have my moments of calmness & strength, but its hard.. thanks guys. this helps alot.
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If you need to talk about this further, if you're scared, etc., we'll be hear to listen and give you some input.
Being a new mother is scary for most women, but, you sound strong and determined - that can take you a long way. And the support of your family - that too can be such a wonderful thing.
FH-numbr1dbcksfan - Ah, yes, there's the rub, IF they will point you in the right direction. Thanks, good point!
Dear Angela,
I am a birthmother to a 22 year old son....I agree alot which was written..Alot of birthmothers I know placed for various reasons...Some you have mentioned..I know that if I had support and confidence in my ability I would not have made the choice I did. I beleive if you have any fear of making the wrong choice by placing your child you should not do it...Be it a closed or open adoption you will loose the chance to be that child's mother. I have three beautiful daughter. They are my life and I am so lucky to have them...I am married to the birthfather...I have had a reunion with my son..He will always be my son in my heart but I am not his mother...No matter how much I love him...I agree with the prior post...Get all the information and help,the following website has links for single parenting.....[url]http://lifemothers.com/reunion.html[/url].
If you truly feel you can not parent you can place for adoption but I have a feeling that you are a strong person...You already made a wise decision and sort help...Good luck....Cindy
i just got an email from the father.. its the only way i will keep in contact with him at the moment, as anytime we have an actual conversation he yells.. it said that since i don't want him involved in the baby's life and would like to raise it by myself without his negative influences, he said he would persue legal action in the future to scare me into the abortion.. he knows how strongly i feel about this.. but would still do it anyway. this is what really worries me.. if i have this baby, i do not want him disturbing our life somewhere down the line. you think a man (child!!) who doesn't want this baby would be pleased to not have to take any responsibility.. he's only doing all of this to hurt me.. it's his life's mission to put people down who oppose him. has anyone had a similar situation? is there anything i can do to make him just leave us alone? i know none of you know this guy, so you can't possibly understand what makes me feel so strongly opposed to him.. he's from quebec.. if any of you know what the stereotypical french male is like.. picture him magnified by 100. arrogant & proud to the end, never willing to compromise, always right.. i tried leaving him twice early on in the relationship, and he always charmed me into staying and by saying that i will never find anyone better because every man has their faults.. i was rediculous to even consider what he was saying was true.. yes i know no man is perfect, but i have been with unperfect ones who at least treat people with respect.. but what's done is done. also, just because i have a good understanding of the french language, but a poor ability to carry conversations in it, he was trying to force me into living in a french village where i would be totally isolated during the hectic new experience of raising a baby.. instead of agreeing to live somewhere english despite his excellent ability to converse.. this has nothing to do with anything really... just need to rant.
Wow, he's burning his own bridge. KEEP THE EMAILS he sends you. IF he pursues legal action, his bullying emails will be GREAT evidence for you if you need them. You can do this! I think email communication is wonderful. Keep your responses calm (if you respond at all) and keep any additional emails he sends. This can come in very handy in court, IMO. I'd also keep a log of any other contact he makes, good or bad, in case you need it in the future. Not to be paranoid, but if this does end up in court, you'll have stuff written down and not have to really worry about whether or not you'll remember some important point. I tell this to many of my single friends that have kids.. the ones that have deadbeat dads (they are NOT all deadbeats, and this guy might not be, either) and it has helped quite a few of my friends. Hang in there, Angela. Yeah, we are all here for you.
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[QUOTE=FH-numbr1dbcksfan]EMAIL!!?!?! Now how is he doing that in his mushroom still-water shack?? QUOTE] he is at his mothers right now.. mushroom season in this part of the country does not start until late march or early april.. so he is trying to find a job for a couple of months. he can never keep one though.. he's gotten fired from every single place he's ever worked.. around 35 jobs.. if only considering myself for this descision, i want this baby.. but it's the outside influence that pressures me otherwise. it scares me that i say i want this baby.. it's a huge life-altering choice.. how can i be sure?? but yes.. its inside.. i know there'll be tough times ahead.. but i guess i'll just have to deal with them. i'll like being a young mom.. i know im a good person, and im kind of excited to teach them about love, and just everything.. my mom always read to me growing up, and it'll be nice to be able to do the same.. it's nuts that im young.. im kind of scared to tell people.. i live in a very judgemental small town where people love to talk. well.. better to decide sooner than later and start getting ready. i made a doctors appointment with the new female physician in town, but since im not her regular client, i have to wait a week before i get in.. am i sure? how did any of you ever decide??!
Jumping in here...
It's not nuts that you are young...it's good, it's OK, and it's natural.
See the funny/crazy thing about this world that we all live in? We have the natural desire to have sex, whether married or not..and the natural outcome of sex is procreation. Sometimes these things, despite our best attempts can not be controlled. And pregnancy does happen when we are not feeling prepared. Actually, most pregnancies happen when someone is not prepared, but unplanned does not automatially mean unwanted..as you know.
Don't allow yourself to feel shamed. Hold your head high, smile and walk though town belly out and proud. If you are happy, people will also be happy for you. And if anyone says anything..ask them how they know how to control a miracle? Or do we just have to accept the happiness of life when it is given to us?
He sounds like a terrible boob. Ditto to keeping a log. Ditto how you could be declared unfit because you want electricity and running water. Let him make all the noise he wants. God, I hate control freaks. Yes, it might escalate as he realizes that his tactic are not causing you to bow under his rule, but most of these guys are all hot air. All Bark, no bite. Plus how the heck can he afford legal representation if he can't keep a job besides picking mushrooms? Maybe he'll grow up and get real in a few years before Jr. notices.
Sometimes, usually, mostly..none of us are really all too sure about what we are doing...especially for the big stuff. Doubt is normal. Fear is normal. You sound lke you KNOW you have alot to offer this baby as it's momma, and that is half the battle.
Plus you have support which is often the other half. Naysayers in this world are a dime a dozen and not worth half as much. Sometimes I think they delight in telling us what we can't do because they doubt their own abilitities to do the same. Ignore them, ignore him until he can be human.
Consintrate on you and the babe, get your ducks in order, roll with the punches and keep smiling..you can totally do this. So man the torpedos and the heck with the rest!
Okay, I'm from Canada so I just HAD to reply to this. His threats (ALL of them) are just that, and empty to boot. He has no rights within the US, as he is NOT A CITIZEN!If you are American and have the baby in the States, there's almost nothing that he can do. If he later sues you for custody in either country, he has to jump through numerous hoops to proove himself; and that can take years in some cases. Moving you to an isolated place where you don't speak the language is considered abuse, not to mention that you won't be covered by any type of medical or have any rights that a citizen would. And yes, I understand his type. I'm in the Navy.;) There is a reason that it is called "a woman's right to choose". Whichever you choose, is the right choice for you. :)
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Hi Angelaa, I think it is YOUR decision. He does not seem capable of making wise decisions at this point in his life. Lean on your family and friends and read up on all your options. You are strong and intelligent, you are reaching out and being honest with others and yourself. I am quite a bit older then you but am in a similair situation. I was very SURPRISED to realize I was pregnant. I have had bad periods all of my life, I was always late, I was on the pill for years...and my gaurd was down. I thought it would not happen so easily. It did. I live with bf and he is a great, fun, good looking guy...but not exactly "Dad". He is very into his work and loves his friends and going out and spending money on snowmobiling and four wheeling, etc. This was not in our plans. My indecisiveness is passing the time away. I have mixed feeling on so much. I will tell you one thing, it is MY decision and although I have discussed it with him it is what I want that truly matters. Men do not understand what we go through (IMO) Kaylie
Angelaa,I've been sort of following your situation as it develops. I knew I had to jump in when you asked about how we made our decisions. I know that a lot of people have been saying this, but it's going to be OK. At first it's hard to believe, things seem really tough right now. And, they are. It will get better. Having the support of your friends and family is the best thing for both you and your baby right now. Make sure to keep them close by. Just 2 weeks ago, I found out that I'm pregnant (very unexpectedly) and had no support from my fiance. I had to look at my life and the people in my life to make my decision. I made some calls and found out that because of my income, etc. I qualified for all kinds of help, plus my parents took it much better than expected. I creid my eyes out and then, when I felt ready, calmly sat down with my fiance and told him face to face that I wasn't going to abort this baby and I had support and I could do it on my own. The choice was his. He decided that he didn't want the baby to grow up without a father and seems to have come around a bit. The point of all that was to tell you this. It is possible to take care of this baby yourself. Really depend on the people you know will give you support. When you deal with "dad," try to keep your cool. If he knows that you're going to get upset, he'll keep using the same tricks. If you feel like you're getting close to exploding, tell him you'll get back to him later when you can discuss the situation calmly. It'll be tough, but you can do it. If you need to talk, we're all here for ya.Jess
Jess,
What a wonderfully supportive and helpful post! Thank you so much for saying all that you did. You said so much that she needs to hear and said it well.
I am glad that you were able to stay strong and do what needed to be done. And I am glad that you have chosen to parent your baby.
Whether your boyfriend sticks around or not, you sound strong and sensible and capable of being a very good mom. Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy as you prepare for your baby!
Kaylie,
There are many of us here who were once in your shoes, and I hope you feel free to come here to chat with those who know what your situation feels like.
Many of us also know what placing a child for adoption feels like - and living a life of regret and longing after losing our children. Becoming a birth mother is a decision I will forever regret. I recommend placing a child for adoption to few - only under the most extreme circumstances.
Document, document, document.Every time he calls you, write it down, including a synopsis of the conversation and any threats or insults he hurled your way. Make a note of the date and time.Every time he emails you, print out a copy and put a copy on disk as a backup.Every time he shows up at your house or anywhere you are, write it down. Document the bad AND the good. You want a complete journal of every contact the two of you have. Being able to provide this journal to the courts, if the need arises, will go a long way towards protecting you and your child from his influence.Also, keep something in mind - he cannot legally FORCE you to have an abortion. He can threaten till the mushrooms rot, he cannot force you to have an abortion, nor can he get the courts to force you to have one. He is spewing empty threats.The fact that he is trying to scare you into having an abortion is going to raise huge red flags in the mind of the judge should you ever have to appear in court regarding custody. Those are not the actions of a responsible, loving parent who cares only for the best interest of the child.Demonstrate to the court how responsible you are by documenting everything. A comprehensive record of every interaction with him is going to carry a lot of weight.If possible, get a consultation with an attorney ASAP. Many attorneys will give a free initial consultation. See what advice they give you and then follow it.You CAN do this, you can get through this and you absolutely can parent your child successfully.
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Angelaa, I have soooooooo much respect for you. You are such a strong and caring person, I think you will make a wonderful mother. All these ladies are giving you great advice, especially about documenting everything, every time he contacts/threatens you. You are your own person and it is your decision on what to do with your body and your child's life. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. Be strong and stay true to yourself. :) With lot of love and respect, Amy
Hi Angelaa,
I hope things work out best for you! Just one thing you might want to look into. It's very often very difficult---in fact, nearly impossible---to terminate a father's parental rights unless he's REALLY unfit. The bar for terminating sombody's parental rights is very high, and the courts are reluctant to do it.
If you're sure you want to parent and don't want him in the picture, you may want to contact an attorney to see what the custody situation would be like.