need your response- adoptees

i am also a reunited bmom. i didn't even start to try and make a connection until my daughter was 21. having raised her older sister, i knew that most children are still somewhat dependent on their parents during the ages of 18-21. i would not have wanted anyone "interfering" with my relationship with my daughter at that time. besides that, at the age of 18 children are just beginning to try out the waters of adulthood. they have a lot going on in their lives. . . . graduation from high school, decisions about college and career, often times decisions about life partners. though i desperately wanted some contact, i did not want to add anything to that mix. especially not something that can be so emotionally overwhelming. i waited until she was 21, then i put my info "out there" on the net, registering at multiple reunioin sites, and started regularly checking registries for her information. i found her info when she was 22, and we connected. in this age of readily available information, your child most likely knows how to find you if he/she is interested. i don't know anyone under the age of 30 that is not regularly connected to the net. my advice would be to do a "passive" search for now. meaning, put your info in the registries and wait patiently. when the child is a bit older, if you have not made that connection, then transition to an active search. i know it is hard to do, but unless and until the other person is ready, it is unlikely that a reunion will be successful. i waited, and am pleased with the results of our reunion. note: i knew my daughter's name and her city of residence. i could easily have tracked her down and insinuated myself into her life. i just didn't think it was the right thing to do. turns out my intuition was correct as she was already going through some troubling times, and would likely not have welcomed more emotional ups and downs. then again, that is just my situation and everyone is different.

Thank you for your responses. I guess I already knew the answer just needed to hear it again. I would never search for him before 21. I don't even know where he lives. I only know his first name and his parents first names. They of course have all of mine if they choose to give it to him. I am also on all the registries that I am aware of. No rush! thanks again, amy :clap: :cheer: :thankyou: :rolleyes: :thankyou: :thankyou:

Hi,Even though they have your info and that will hopefully facilitate your son's being able to find you when he is ready, I would still suggest signing up on the registries. For one thing you don't know if he will be given access to the information his aparents have; and secondly, I'll share with you about something from first hand experience. Similar to you , my son's aparents had my info so I knew he'd be able to find me when he was ready... he found me first at the age of 23. But his amom said to him, "How could she have cared about you, if she didn't even search for you?" (Needless to say, she was adverse to reunion). He also said, "Now I'll never know if you would have searched for me". So at least do the registries, and I'd say even keep a copy of your post so that he'll know you were thinking of him, in case someone tries to undermine his search or his choice to have you in his life, later on. Merrill

I am on all the registries that I am aware of

I have just reunited with my daughter. Last summer, at the age of 17, but then again, she was adopted by family members (ex-inlaws). They wanted her to see me because she was so into knowing me, and they were aftraid she would run away from home and try to find me. They wanted to wait until she was 18 to get her graduated from high school first. But it didnt go that way. Now I see why they wanted to wait. She wants to move in with my husband and I when she does want to graduate. ITs funny, I didnt think the reunion went all that smooth, but now, she cant wait to come back "home". My son, on the other hand, he just turned 19, I guess thats the reason why he hasn't started trying to find me yet. I didnt know about the age 18-21 thing. I cant wait until June when I can reunite with my 21 year old daughter. It has been a longggggggg 10 years. My youngest daugther, was adopted when she was 3 years old. And my son was adopted at 6 months old. I hope that one day, I can get the three of them together. That would be wonderful! JO

You are not going to like my answer I was 52. Males tend to search later than females out of loyalty to the adoptive family. There is also the issue of having the wisdom to search and deal with the answers. 18 would have been too young for me but I was asking questions all my life. Today you have a more enlightened sense of awarenes then in 1951 when I was born.When I was 21 I wished my birth mother would have searched for me. She waited and when she turned 43 she died. I searched for her and found a grave. Search when hes 21 dont wait. Use an intermediary and take it very very easy on him.

I'M SORRY YOU DIDN'T FIND MORE THAN A GRAVE YOU NEVER KNOW SHE MIGHT HAVE TRIED TO SEARCH AND DIDN'T KNOW ALL THE AVENUES TO TURN TO. i'M SURE YOU WERE NEVER FORGOTTEN

I started searching when I was 43. I was always a little curious but never thought possible to search and find until a year ago. Janet

I don't know whether this is of any use to you but I will give you it just in case. According to official statistical research carried out in the UK, the average age for male adoptees to search is 31. Of course, there are some men who search much earlier. However, early 30s seems to be the norm. Probably not the answer you wanted if your son is younger. However, it is always good to be aware of these snippets of info so that you don't lose heart.

I was always curious & yearned to know more about my b-family. This continues throughout my adult life. I was taken away from my bmom at 14 mos. One thing that seems to be common among adoptees (& bparents?) is the 'roller coaster ride'. We want to search & then we take a break. It is true that males tend to wait much longer to search. However, both males & females may feel a strong need to wait until their a-parents have passed on. I was also born in the 1950's & was forced to live through the 'closed adoption' system. I can say that I now can look back & realize all of the 'non-verbal' messages I received. In addition, I can think of at least a few people who kindly but openly would warn me to be careful about searching & contacting my bmom. Thank goodness times have changed! There is so much more acceptance & openness about searching for & reuniting with birth family. I never thought that I would see the day of open records and I am very thankful for being wrong on this!!! In the meantime, there is so much you can do in preparation for the day that you are finally able to reunite with your son. My 1st suggestion is to Read, read, read. And then read some more!ђ. There are so many books on adoption, searching & reunion. Even though I lived the life of an adopteeђ, I can tell you how much I learned about myself, etc. It helped me immensely. Also, you might want to consider joining the American Adoption Congress or at least check out their website at [url]www.americanadoptioncongress.org[/url]. This is a fabulous group who advocate for rights, provide education & support through conferences & articles. Their website has a huge list of other weblinks that may be very helpful to you. They have Regional Reps throughout the US. You can never do too much to prepare for the big Reunion day! If you have any questions, please let me know. ((hugs)), Teddy

I'll echo what everybody else is saying - it differs case by case. Sometimes the adoptee might not feel comfortable doing any kind of search while they're still living at home (which can stretch well into the 20s for some people). That wasn't the case with me; personally I started testing the waters when I was 18. Unfortunately I got jerked around by the adoption agency (which shall remain nameless) for four years while I was in college. It's hard advice, but just be patient. Best of luck in your search!

In spite of what I found Im glad I searched and have no regrets. I was able to find closure and move throough the grief process. I learned the events that caused my adoption and now I have my name, my mothers name and an image of her. Now I know and I am grateful for that.

I am a female, pushing the big 40!My Birth mother never loooked for me, Though she did post on a registry. I wrote, and inquired about medical information, what I got was her story, warts and all. I am now glad I never serched for a reunion. it was clear in her letter that she did not regret giving me up, just regretted getting pregnant. she had no more children, and is not married, so I believe that her career was foremost important to her. I think she just registered on the registry so she could clear the air. She sounded like she had no regrets in the end, and all is as it should be. You see connections sometimes are not meant to be. You are linked by biology, that is all. So sometimes adoptees just aren't interested in pursuring a reunion, and you can't make them. Same with Birth Parents. I could only imagine if I had put my heart into a reunion, what reaction I would have felt. I somehow always knew this would never be, so I have no regrets, I got my medical info, which was nice of her to do, along the way in the letter I got more info then I had bargained for, and that threw me for a loop, I told my "real" mom and it also threw her for a loop, as this information was never passed on to her, and Yet it was her and my father that had to deal with the aftermath, not knowing how or why I have been lurking on this site for some time, trying to get a handle on what birth mothers are feeling. This I now understand. No two people feel alike, no two people come from the same place in their heart. Some want to turn back the hands of time, some don't. it is all good, and all ok. I am just glad that my birthmother and I have a meeting of the minds in that respect.

I didn't start my search until just recently - at the age of 35. I always knew I wanted to search and had thought about it at different points in my life. At 25, I paid a professional searcher to obtain my mom's maiden name (this was before birth indices and the like were easily accessible on the internet). But after I found out her mainden name, I just sat on it for 10 years. Deep down, I knew I just wasn't ready. For me, I had to come to terms with who I am. I needed to make sure my self esteem was on solid footing. I also needed to be secure in my own life, so as not to make contact for the wrong reasons. I found my birthmother 2 weeks ago and just sent the letter yesterday. I am trying really hard not to have any expectations - to just live in today and see what happens. Cat

Hi ya I am a 38 year old male...found my bmum when I was 23...don't know if I was old enough or not...my advice to adoptees is live a little first as an adult then you can walk a bit closer to the line with empathy and understanding....I think ultimately there will be issues and there is no getting away from that at any age...Issues will always crop up for adopted people through their lives...I guess we just have to be mature enough to acknowledge this and to understand there are not always easy answers......