Should I send bio Mom picture of child she deserted?

yES, Send the pics of HER bio. child tohave for keepsake. That is one ENCOURAGING word I got from my b/mom was, "6 mos. after I relinquished you, I returned to Social Services to see if you had been placed for adoption yet. They told me you were w/ foster parents, but that theyhad left 3 pics. of you for me if I ever inquired. I still have those pics. hidden privately for only me to see."So, yes. It is something TANGIBLE of HER bio. child that she can hold on to forever, and HOPEFULLY draw her to HER BIO. child when the child becomes of age.

First I would wonder if it puts your child in any increased danger. If she lives in the same area you do then an updated photo would help her find him in newspapers or just identify him in the store if she saw him. If that is not a problem/issue then I would say go ahead. Only because it seems that you may feel badly if you do not do it. It it will help you sleep at night or just get it off your mind then I say go ahead.

thanks for the advice. we live several states away, so I don't think her finding or bothering us is an issue. but, I am going to, if i send it, ask her first. That way it won't hurt her. I never thought about that side of it, i was just thinking maybe it would ease her mind. Give her peace etc..but i see how out of the blue, it could bring back old forgotten pains. I'll call he s.w we used to have and se if B.mom has said anything. thanks.

I found and contacted our daughter's birth mom through mail a few months after our adoption was finalized. I sent her a letter and a couple of photos. I told her that if she was uncomfortable with contact, she could let me know and I would not send her anything more until she was ready. She sent back a beautiful letter and a photo of herself. It is one of my daughter's most prized possesions and I hope that we are able to maintain this contact with her birth family, so our daughter is able to get all the answers she needs and know that being removed was not her fault and everyone loved and still loves her. It also seemed to be a good thing for her birth mom. She seemed very happy and grateful to hear how T. is doing. I also got a letter from her birth grandmother who thanked us a lot and said she has worried about the children they lost every night and now feels some peace finally. However, we send all letters through my brother's business address which is on the other side of the country, because even though things are going well so far, we want to make sure we're all safe.

We too started letters/pictures with our boys bparents (adopted at 3 and 4). It has been a very important thing for the boys to have those letters and pictures. It has helped with their sense of self as they grow up (now 11, and almost 10) and they certainly treasure the contact. I also know it has bought a feeling of peace and to their bfamilies. Also, if like us, you adopted your child at the age of 4, you probably dont have very many pictures of them as toddlers/babies. For me - that was the biggest thing (at first) was the chance to show my son a picture of himself as baby. :) You might suggest a picture exchange with her. Anyways, now 6 years after first establishing contact, I have no regrets. Yes, at times it has been hard and I certianly made some mistakes along the way, as did they - BUT overall it has been the BEST for our sons. Jen

At the moment, my son does not know he is adopted. When did you tell your sons. His mom was out of his life so often, he never really at a cognitive age saw her.Did your sons know of their past life?

Your 8 year old son doesn't know he's adopted? Are you sure? Please, please, tell him and soon. It is very difficult to "learn" about being adopted at a later age -- and 8 is a later age. There are many books, and you can find them at adoption.com that explain how to tell children they are adopted.

We adopted our sons at 3 and 4 (and met them at the same time) so yes, they do know they were adopted. We celebrate how they joined our family, and also are in ongoing contact with their previous foster parents. Adoption is NOT a secret that should be kept and I would STRONGLY suggest that your first job is to share with your son his life story :) Jen

[font=Comic Sans MS]brl, I don't like the tone of your post, starting with "...the child she deserted" and ending with "...if she doesn't kill herself with drugs first". [/font][font=Comic Sans MS][/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]I suggest you question your motivation for sending her a picture at this time.[/font][font=Comic Sans MS][/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]Also, Adoption Rule No. 1 is Be Honest With Your Child About His Adoption.[/font]

EvildishragI dont' like the tone of your screen name. you calling a dish rag evil is so politically incorrect. Why is it evil. Perhaps you should question your motivation for calling this dish rag evil. :rolleyes: good night Irene! Ask for advice and get your tone tapped. Thanks almost everyone for the advice. I am considering it all, well almost all.

Sorry for the turn the thread took, but I think there is something to be concerned about there: your fear and distaste for your son's birthmom is evident in your post and I wonder, when he finds out if he's adopted, if he'll get that vibe from your unconsciously. I don't know the first thing about your situation and it seems like you're really trying to do the right thing for your son, and I applaud that. I just worry that he will have mixed feelings about his adoption given your feelings about his birthmom. I also agree that you should tell him sooner than later. You obviously love your son and if you wait, it could drive a wedge in your relationship and that would be awful. Best, Kelley

brl, I'd like to offer you some validation here. Things are what they are and I understand where you are coming from with the whole mom issue. I have a tendency to just say things how it is without sugar-coating it. I don't see a "tone" in your post. It seems like you know something about your son's first mom and maybe "if she doesn't kill herself with drugs first" is a real concern. My daughter's mom is the same way and that doesn't mean I "disrespect" her or anything like that. It is just a sad fact of her life and it was a determining factor in deciding to contact her. I worried that her lifestyle would get to her before T. has a chance to know her and that would be just plain sad. I didn't want T. to look for her as an adult and find out she o.d.ed years ago. It may not be P.C. to think or talk about those things, but it happens. Some people have had bad lives and make bad choices. Some people do drugs and drugs can be dangerous. MOst people are just plain dumb when on drugs or when drunk. Nothing wrong with saying it, imho. However, I will agree you need to make sure your son knows his story. It might be uncomfortable and hard, but it is important. Have you had him since he was four or you adopted him at four? It seems he would have some inkling either way.

You could always set up a P.O. Box, in a neighboring town or city, I think that whatever each individual is most comfortable with is what that person should do, there are no right or wrong answers. I maintain contact with my adopted childrens birth maternal great grandpatent and maternal grandma, I also speak with bio mom and let her know how the kids are doing, I send pictures and we will probably do a meeting in the next six months or so with bio mom, Now for bio dad and his family, I allowed paternal grandma the P.O. Box address, but will only send letters re the kids with limited info, a very bad family and bio dad will never see my kids or a picture!! So again what ever is best for you and your family, and remeber that although this bio makes and has made and will probably continue to make bad choices, you can send a picture if you would like. You never know what will change a person and when. Roshay

That is a correct assessment of my post. I needed those who were giving me advice to know the TRUE situation. Past and present. No, he does not know about any of his past. Its a long story, but I know he doesn't know. We do plan on telling him, but will wait until we know it is the right time. It is drawing near. We feel he is close to being ready. I know there are people who believe that the sooner is the better. We will wait until we feel our child is somewhat ready. We know him emotinally, Spiritually, and mentally. Each child is different. Thanks everyone for the posts. You have covered every angle, it seems, I was trying to view it from.

That is a correct assessment of my post.I needed those who were giving me advice to know the TRUE situation. Past and present. No, he does not know about any of his past. Its a long story, but I know he doesn't know. We do plan on telling him, but will wait until we know it is the right time. It is drawing near. We feel he is close to being ready. I know there are people who believe that the sooner is the better. We will wait until we feel our child is somewhat ready. We know him emotinally, Spiritually, and mentally. Each child is different. Thanks everyone for the posts. You have covered every angle, it seems, I was trying to view it from.