Ugh! (be warned really really loooong)

Hello #4, Welcome to the boards! I hope that you will find support, comfort and camaraderie here. We have members of all sides of the adoption triad here - I myself am an adoptee and an adoptive parent. I am also one of the Community Moderators team (along with crick, echaos, leaabc123, tigger27 and our terrific admin, BrandyHagz) and it is our job to ensure that everyone here is made to feel welcome and is respected. To that end, please know that it is absolutely against our Terms of Service for any prospective adoptive parent to "solicit" any expectant parent - for anyone to approach you and say "I'd be interested in adopting your baby" or "please consider us as parents for your baby" or anything along those lines. This includes posts, emails and private messages (PMs) to that effect. Since private messages are just that, private, the moderators do not know if such solicitation is occurring unless it is reported to us. So, if by chance you are approached via PM in such a manner, please let myself or one of the other moderators know so that we can deal with it. Now, to remove my moderating hat and respond to your post as a fellow human being... :) It sounds as though you have some very clear feelings regarding this pregnancy. One thing I wondered while reading your post is how your husband feels about it? It could be that this is just the initial shock of an unexpected pregnancy, or it could be that the right decision for your family is to place this baby for adoption at birth. You are only 11 weeks along, and you have LOADS of time to decide. Heck, you don't need to make any decision about parenting vs. adopting until well AFTER the baby is born in August. My suggestion to you is to take your time and "try on" both options. First, spend a week or two telling yourselves "we are going to parent this baby" and live with that. Then, spend a week or two telling yourselves "we are going to place this baby for adoption" and live with that. How does each decision feel? When you are living with that option and planning for that option, which feels right? Look into counseling from an unbiased source (in other words, not specifically an adoption agency counselor, who may have a vested interest in swaying you one way or the other). Investigate what it will mean to you and your family to parent this child. Investigate what it will mean to you and your family to place the baby for adoption. When considering adoption, know that there are many kinds of adoption now, from the "old fashioned" closed adoption - no contact at all with the adoptive family or your birth child after the placement - to fully open adoption, with continuing contact including visits with your bchild and the afamily. But most of all, please know that you have lots of time and there is no need to make a decision NOW. I hope this makes sense - it's early in the morning and I know I can be kinda rambly. I wish you peace and strength in the coming months, I hope that your pregnancy goes smoothly and I hope that you find the support you are looking for here on the forums. Sincerely, Heather

I agree with Heather. I too would strongly recommend you speak with a professional counselor - not an adoption counselor, a family therapist of some sorts. You've got to address your emotions here - guilt, resentment, anger, fear, sadness, loss, and just plain old stress! No coincidences: You are in this place because you're meant to be. Trust in that. Trust too that when you come to the right decision about this pregnancy - be it termination, parenting or placing - there will be peace in your heart. Lastly, remember that our minds are emotional magnifiers. They tend to believe that what will make us happy will make us happier for longer, and that what will make us sad will devistate us forever. Niether, of course, is true. Hang in there. As my friend Amy says: It will all be OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's just not the end. Regina

Just want to echo what the other ladies wrote to you. (((HUGS))) You sound overwhelmed. You don't have to decide now...try out your options. When I was pregnant with my son I wish I would have taken more time to consider my options. I just felt so trapped and so rushed. There is no rush. You have 29 weeks left to decide - that's a long time. I would encourage you to visit the "Considering Your Options" forum where there are some good articles for you to read about adoption and what to think about if you are considering adoption. There are also lots of supportive women who have placed and parented that could help answer your questions and offer support. [url]http://forums.adoption.com/forumdisplay.php?f=798[/url] In the meanwhile - take care of yourself.

Hi, I just tried to send you a Private Message but I am not sure if you are going to get it. I have a friend who was in a similar situation 3 years ago. 3 of her 4 have Autism and she unexpectedly got pregnant. Melissa is a wonderful kind hearted person who would be glad to connect with you. Right now it sounds like you just need someone who REALLY understands your situation. I would be glad to pass on your e-mail or a phone number. Please take care of yourself everything else will fall in place. Right now it sounds like you are stretched mentally, physically and emotionally. Many moms need a little help getting back on track. There are alot of people here who will offer genuine love and support. Take it...YOU DESERVE IT! Let this be a place that offers you support. Coming here does not need to be about adoption or making decisions on what to do right now. Let it be a place to escape, vent and giving yourself the some support that you need! Hugs, Hugs and lots more hugs, Maria

Maria!.... Email for you! :cheer:

Your DH sounds so wonderful. Both of you deserve big {{{hugs}}}. I echo what's been posted - seek counseling. Also, I recommend that you beg, borrow, and steal some extra help with your children so that you can have a little break and think about your new baby and bond with him/her. You know that you should be bonded but IMO you are so overwhelmed with your other responsibilities and HORMONES right now that there is no room for the two of you. Even if it is a few hours, you and your new baby need to "have a talk". With very best wishes, Happy G'Ma

Hi #4I was writing to offer my support. I to have an autistic son and know at times it can be tough. So if you would like to chat or just need a friend you can Im at Fmjones4@yahoo.com. MJ

I just wanted to say thanks for all of the replies and support from everyone.. I do appreciate the PM's and emails.. And thank you so much Maria for going out of your way and getting me in contact w/ your friend :) I've started to feel a little better lately, I think my M/S may be letting off.. Which is SUCH a relief! I hope once I'm feeling back to normal (well as normal as one can be while pg LOL) I'll start getting more on track w/ the thought of a new baby. Anyway... I have an U/S next week as a part of the Multiple Marker Screening I opted to do... So I'm looking forward to seeing something that resembles a baby on the screen this time. I'm still not "in love" w/ the fact that I'm pg right now but... I think I may be getting used to the idea. We started working on a new room for my oldest this week so we can move a baby into his room. We took the whole crew out to home depot, picked up some flooring (my DS really really wanted this shinny orange and purple bathroom wall tile for his bedroom floor :eek: There are some things you just have to be really firm about and we got some simple hardwood LOL instead), some 2x4's and some light fixtures... After that's done, we decided to put in another bathroom while we are at it... So it does feel good to start making room for the new addition.. And "room" was a big stress for me finding out about this pg.. So getting this done helps. My oldest has had a couple really good days. He also has a seizure disorder which is a problem while he falls asleep, is in a deep sleep or wakes in the morning... The kid has been sleeping like a CHAMP! Seriously, there have just been no problems lately! He;s just so funny, and can bring me to tears w/ laughter sometimes... On these "good stretches" parents of Autistic children tend to get a little cocky and overly confident LMAO! So again, I'm at a point where I can scoff at the Autism like it's no big deal and think "Meh, so what if he or any of his siblings have it" and then I don't worry at all about another baby like I do when things are hard w/ my oldest. My 2 youngest have been great lately too, the one who is "non verbal" at the moment said a word last night... He said "yes" clear as a freaking bell! Although, I doubt that gets him exempt from speech therapy in the spring LOL! He's also suddenly out of the blue started following really complex directions "go get a diaper, cream & a new pair of pants"... Ahem.. that's a 3 step command, so I can brag a little :evilgrin: His Brother is still showing some Really Autistic traits... Little eye contact, hand flapping, toe walking, obsession w/ spinning objects and stacking objects.. And his speech has regressed instead of improved since 18 months.. But, I have a really good relationship w/ our Developmental and behavioral therapist... And she's coming to spend some time w/ him on the 18th. So again. . Things do feel like they are under controle right now so I just have to wait for this surge of Overwhelming, Earth Mother, Maternal... "Whatever" to wash over me so I can fall head over heels in love w/ this baby. I suppose it's happening slowly.. It's just not happening like it did in the past which is kind of frightening for me b/c I don't understand it GWIM? My 2nd trimester starts in about a week, so I guess I still have time.. And once we decide to share this pg w/ family and friends I may just feel like it's real (that is unless I hear even one negative comment about the pg that is, then poof! there goes any ounce of confidence I had LMAO! ) I was looking at baby pics of my 2 youngest when they were newborns.. So cute you almost wanna take a bite! LOL How could I possibly not want another one of these! :flower: [url="http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b4d830b3127cce9a663c616c2800000185118AcN2Tdk3aN t"]http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b4d830b3127cce9a663c616c2800000185118AcN2Tdk3aN t[/url][url="http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b4d830b3127cce9a663c7f6c3600000026108AcN2Tdk3aNt"]http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b4d830b3127cce9a663c7f6c3600000026108AcN2Tdk3aNt[/url]

Just wanted to give you my best wishes for a healthy pregnancy. I have never been pregnant, so I don't have any sage advice along those lines. However, I have been working with special needs kids since I was twelve. Currently, I am a scout leader for a special needs unit, which has two boys with autism. I understand how busy that can make you! Best Wishes! Sam

Thanks for the photos of your precious babies. You are killing me! I want to hold an infant. I am out of the business of having babies, my grandson is past the cuddle stage and into the "go-go-go" stage, and my 2 kids are saying "it's going to be a while, Mom!". Your post made me smile. You sound like you are feeling so much more hopeful than your last post. Keep us updated - we are there for you and want to hear about the good days and the bad days. Hugs, Happy G'Ma

Oh my goshthose babies are absolutely beautiful! I was thrilled to read that you are feeling better whoooo hoooo sometimes all you need is a little sisterly love from outside the family. :clap: I am glad that your oldest is sleeping. I am sure the fact that you are actually getting some sleep has made a huge difference. Amazing what a few zzzzŒs can do? :flower: YOU must be super womanmom of three very energetic kids including a pair of toddlers, nurturing and making baby number four, creating and building additional rooms in your house on top of everything else a mom doesŅshhhheshYOU GO GIRL! :cheer: Seriously I am glad that things are going so well for you this week. DonŒt forget to take some time for yoububble bath, manicure or just cuddling up with a great book. Keep us postedŅyou are often in my thoughts. Hug those wonderful kids from the lady in Texas. Maria :grouphug:

Hey, Just have a quote that I found today,hope it helps: "Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for it is a thing to be achieved."

Hi #4, I just wanted to pop in to give you a little encouragement. I am also a mommy of 4. When my son was 2 and my daughter 2 weeks old, we learned about a young girl who was 13 and pregnant from a rape. She was being pressured to abort and had no one there help her out. Long story short, we offered to adopt her baby, in part, to give her every possible option and because we LOVE kids! :p Anyway, that made my girls 6 months apart...almost like twins! 3 in diapers! AHHH! So, 6 months later we realize our youngest was delayed. She actually began walking at 2yrs and 3 months of age. She has physical and occupational therapy and speech. In the middle of all these therapy sessions and trips to doctors and specialists for tests to see WHY she was delayed, we moved, DH started a business, and I got PG. Just a little stress, let me tell ya! I was happy about having another baby, but certainly overwhelmed with all that was required of me...plus, hormones, etc... Then, less than a month after the baby was born, my daughter who has the delays began having grand mal seizures. They are terrifying, aren't they!!!! In 17 days time she had over 25 large and uncountable small seizues including "the drops" and was hospitalized a total of 7 days. SHe is on lots of meds and they are helping. What I have found is I am a heck of a lot stronger than I thought I was. I am in love with each of my children and find emmence joy in each day...maybe not when I am changing a "blow out" diaper or cleaning up an "accident" by my 3 yr old who is nearly potty trained, but most of the time, I smile! :D I relate to the stress, strain, and fear. It is hard to be excited when you feel overwhelmed, sick, and sleepy. I do believe that when the M/S lets up and you are able (God willing) to get some rest, a little Mommy Time, and the due date gets closer, you will get excited. I love my 4th child in a powerful way and you know what? No matter how hectic my day, no matter how exhausted I am at the end of the day...she just looks at me with those "prairie dog" eyes...REAL wide! and smiles, coos, snuggles close and I just fall soooo hard! So completely in love! And my heart swells with a joy I cannot explain and it erases all the junk. She makes it all worth it. An infant FORCES you to take a little time to sit, relax, and be quiet. It is great. I nurse, so it is extra nice to cuddle her to feed her instead of propping a bottle up so I can do more laundry. I HAVE to sit and get in some mid-day snuggle time. LOVE IT! Take care...I'm praying for you! Just cuz you are too tired and surprised to be excited now doesn't mean you won't be later! ;) ~Mommy of 4 too!