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Two weeks ago 20/20 aired the program How Rude: What's happened to manners in America? I was dumbfounded as I watched, and sometimes laughed loudly. Cell phones, ringing and loud talking was high among those surveyed as the most annoying thing they experience regularly. I was shocked at the woman who carries her phone everywhere, including hanging it outside the shower door, because she must be reached at all moments. I consider those ordering a coffee at Starbucks without getting off the phone to be a major and offensive transgression. I consider a cell phone ringing in public to be more than annoying.
Other equally offensive experiences were emailing, text messaging and using Blackberry during lunch/dinner at a restaurant. It was not necessarily other patrons being annoyed but the offender's lunch/dinner party/guest/coworker. Among others were swearing in public, reading the newspaper when eating dinner with spouse or children.
Of course, good manners are relative. What we consider pretty appropriate social skills and proper etiquette is utterly appalling in Japan. I laughed when the manners hostess/educator stated that eating/drinking while walking were serious offenses.
Some want their young children to know a 16 piece formal place setting; others, like me, could care less as long as politeness and appreciation is displayed.
So. . . what are 5 or 10 things that you find rude or that you absolutely expect your kids to do (or refrain from)?
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FH-numbr1dbcksfan
I wouldnt have a problem haulting the kids and saying that we are not in a barn or we dont do that here or something like that..... If she were to just let it go on.. Im not too polite.. I would have no problem saying.. ok can you make them stop. Like..now. Thank you. HAHHAA
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Okay Tracy, I am getting worked up just thinking about it. I would correct them and discuss with her. My thinking: if you are good friends, you can kindly but clearly explain how you do things at your house. Of course, most friends would hopefully be observing and listening for cues about how different families operate, but apparently that is not happening. I would say whatever works for you, like "let's go play or M has some new board games, instead of the tv." I would ask, upon watching a wrapper fly on the floor, how about we pick that up and put it where it belongs, in the garbage.
I would make it clear what is expected at your home, and if she cannot respect it then I would not see them. The problem with meeting at a neutral space is that such behavior would have to be tolerated there as well. I would not go to a Starbucks, bookstore or anywhere with a friend whose child ran, screamed indoors or made public messes and acted disrespectfully without correction and expectation of appropriate behavior.
Why? Because for me it is about respect, respect for you, your home/sanctuary, your child, your time together, communal spaces. It is about all of that.
I have a daughter who is extremely particular, especially about her books. She is gentle with all of her things and others' things and expects that everyone act accordingly. This kind of situation would upset her immensely, to the point that I would be forced to stop seeing said friend. :D
Paula,
Oh my! My sentiments exactly. I have often wondered, don't you care that the person on the other end can hear you flush or worse. I find it completely confounding.
A whole other can of worms for me. Your post made me laugh. I just do not understand parents that do not correct their kids and show them by example and expectation what respect means. I will never get it. We took my daughter to see the Nutcracker for Christmas. The little gal behind me, about 5 or 6, kicked the back of my seat the entire time, hard and loudly. I was so mad but tried to not let it bother me. Finally, near the end, I had to turn around and ask please stop kicking my seat. She also talked the entire time; my dd asked me three times, (at intermission and after) couldn't she just have lowered her voice.
I am always amazed when people answer their cell phones in the most unusual places, like the bathroom stall. Really, that call couldn't have waited until you finished? And how rude is it to be trying to conduct business at the fast food counter, airline ticket counter, anywhere, and be talking on the phone at the same time.
I always explain to my DS that the chair in front of him is not his chair and he should not touch it under any circumstances.
FH-numbr1dbcksfan
People will not leave voicemail.. they KNOW that phone is right next to you so instead they call and call and call until you answer. Bleh.
Okay Tracy, I am getting worked up just thinking about it. I would correct them and discuss with her.
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Tracy, I don't know what to say. Do you feel sorry for her? They don't listen to me; that must be really hard as her friend. I hope you can have a good talk and explain that this isn't just about you, your babe, your house and your friendship but about what they (her babes) need, some limits. Good luck. Let us know how it turns out.
Wow, that is tough. I can understand where she is coming from. Little D is entering the "terrible twos", tantrums and time-outs abound. Big D is also testing her limits as well.
There are times when I give in or ignore things I shouldn't but that is very rare and never around others or when they are invading another's personal space, etc.
Your friend has to understand that if she doesn't get control now, it will only be worse as they get older.
Good luck whatever you decide to do.
I do feel sorry for her. The thing is, she is one of my very good friends. Her kids are almost 6 now! 6! All I keep thinking is if they are acting like this at 6 then they will be doing so much worse at 16 and be unbearable. I know I have to have a talk with her. Everything, and I mean everything, becomes an excuse because she has twins. I can understand things are harder with 2 but this is ust crazy. We can
t talk on the phone without oneof them whining and yelling non stop about whatever because she "doesn't like" her mother on the phone. She even know sit, she just will not control it and do so consistently. Christmas eve, we were at church and trying to have a discussion before mass and one of them came and plopped down on her lap and started saying, "Mom, Mom" really loud to get ger attention. She didn't even correct that. The child went so far as to turh her mothers face from me. I was super appalled. I corrected her at that point.
I am starting to feel really sorry for the children at this point. They are over indulged little brats at this point and though I love them very much, I know that the little discipline I can give them when they are around won't correct the real problems they have.
So, I think the answer becomes limiting activity with them. It is really sad as we have gooten so close after going through infertility cycles together and so on.
We just had this same sort of problem with a child who we are around often but has developed a serios aggression, hitting, problem. He hits for absolutely no reason. He'll pull hair, push, head butt, all of a sudden. We had to stop seeing them as even though the parent does correct this behavior with timeouts and removel from the situation, he still does it, laughing when they ask if he wants to go back in time out... Has anyone else faced this kind of problem too? I know THIS parent would appreciate any suggestions.
My screwed up friends...
The polite behavior most important to us is proper table manners. This stems from being child free for so many years and being subjected to truly obnoxious behavior by the children of other patrons in restaurants (honestly, I had one kid in the booth behind me put her gooey hands in my hair--and her mother shot ME a dirty look). So it was a matter of pride as much as anything that our daughter be good in restaurants.
Our hard work, and trips to the parking lot, paid off and DD is really good at the table and can sit through a long restaurant meal in good spirits.
We also work hard in having her say "May I please have," and "Yes, please" and "No, thank you" regularly.
And, without really trying very hard, we've mastered the parental look--you know, the one you flash at your kid to get her to stop doing whatever misbehavior she's doing. I'm pretty sure I impressed my brother, whose daughter is becoming a brat, when I flashed such a look at my daughter and got instant compliance.
As for honorifics, we try very hard to attach Miss or Mr. first name to most of our adult friends, but it's a lot harder to do it with her friends parents when their kids are calling me by my first name. So it's hit or miss.
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A lot of repeats here, I guess...
1. Asking for help or anything must always include the "Please can I..." or we don't even respond.
2. Quiet voices in public.
3. No pointing and laughing at people. It's OK to be different.
4. "I'm sorry" in a nice voice when someone is wronged.
5. No abuse or teasing of animals in any way at any time.
I just saw this article and thought about this thread!! I couldn't imagine Liam getting all the way to 12 without knowing not to do something like this!!!!
Boy, 12, Sticks Gum on $1.5M Painting
A 12-year-old visitor to the Detroit Institute of Arts stuck a wad of gum to a $1.5 million painting, leaving a stain the size of a quarter, officials say.
The boy was part of a school group from Holly that visited the museum on Friday, officials say. They say he took a piece of Wrigley's Extra Polar Ice gum out of his mouth and stuck it on Helen Frankenthaler's "The Bay," an abstract painting from 1963.
The museum acquired the work in 1965 and says it is worth about $1.5 million.
The gum stuck to the painting's lower left corner and did not adhere to the fiber of the canvas, officials told the Detroit Free Press. But it left a chemical residue about the size of a quarter, said Becky Hart, assistant curator of contemporary art.
The museum's conservation department is researching the chemicals in the gum to decide which solvent to use to clean it. The museum hopes to make the repair in two weeks and will keep "The Bay" on display in the meantime, she said.
"Our expectation is that the painting is going to be fine," Hart said.
Holly Academy director Julie Kildee said the boy had been suspended from the charter school and says his parents also have disciplined him.
"Even though we give very strict guidelines on proper behavior and we hold students to high standards, he is only 12 and I don't think he understood the ramifications of what he did before it happened, but he certainly understands the severity of it now," said Kildee.
You know Andy, I read about this more than a week or so ago and was aghast! This behavior, in my opinion, does not come out of nowhere; I suspect disrespect for others and property has been exhibited before. I think most 5 or 6 year olds with manners would know better than to do such a thing, but that is just me.
Tracey...I have no sympathy for your friend...none. Sorry, I know that's harsh. But as soon as she said "well I have 2" that did it for me completely. I have 4 kids and they absolutely are not allowed to act like that.
She needs to get her butt in gear now and start being the parent, not the babysitter or friend to her children.
Sorry...just not an excuse at all, imo.
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I have no sympathy for your friend...none. Sorry, I know that's harsh.
There is a great series of books called "To Train Up A Child". by John Pearl. And a video/DVD called "The Joy of Trainnig". You can find excellent guidance for how to deal with unruly, spoiled children in these materials and on a website. Please PM for details.
Basically, the premise is that the kids are brats because their mothers are wimps and their dads are uninvolved.
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