Is it okay to be afraid of Open Adoption?

Two wrongs don't make a right. :)

*nods* So true, Gma. :) While not legally enforceable, we feel our agreement (on both sides!) is morally enforceable. We try, our darndest, to make things work even when schedules are hectic, etc. It's a lot of hard work. Even for the lesser open adoptions, it's STILL hard work, on all sides. Of course, it's a relationship that DESERVES the hard work. If that makes sense? :)

as an amom, I have no problem making the agreement to visit 3-4x a year with dd's bfamily assuming everyone lived close enough. I'm sure we'd visit that often and then some if we lived closer to bfamily. Right now all we can swing is 1x a year (2000 mile difference). Of course that would depend on having met the bfamily and talked to them, at least on the phone. And there should be a clause in there that states that the child should be allowed to have some say as she gets older about the visits (imagine taking a cranky teen to a forced visit-not pretty, lol). Better to have bfamily come to our house where I can force her to join us for dinner ;) . open adoption is about what the families involved want. And there may be folks willing to agree to that but it will take more of a search. and we've already said we'll send pictures and stuff to bgrandparents when bmom and bdad move out. bgrandparents didn't ask, but when i mentioned it they gave us a big smile, which meant to me they were concerned. we negotiated a legally binding agreement with bdad and he had all sorts of hopes, such as pictures once a month til she was 18, lol. I understand the desire, but our facilitator did ask him if she felt we could really keep up that pace so long and he said no and laughed. ultimately he wanted to know that he could call and visit and that we'd keep him informed of her life and we agreed to that. And he's bound to let us call and visit and he should keep us informed on his life too. as HappyG'Ma says, it's about being clear about what you want and listening to what others want. I know some folks aren't in that openness space and that's just fine, as long as everyone is clear about their comfort level. But you can't clearly communicate where you are to a bfamily until you know yourself. we started out wanting fully open but matched with dd's bfamily who wanted semi-open. when we spoke on the phone we said what we wanted but that we were willing to do a semiopen if that's what they want. we gave them all our info right then and there. they thought about it for a couple of days, but when they met me the adoption shifted to very open. I think they were hesitant to do any damage to their family including dd, but when she was born everything changed. they knew they needed to be a part of her life forever. Open adoptions often end up in a very different place from whence they started. Sometimes that a good place like ours. we also had the luxury of time. we took 2 years to do some research and to think what we wanted, met folks and heard their experiences, etc. That's how we ended up at OUR comfort level. I'd encourage everyone trying to figure this out to take whatever time it takes. okay, enough rambling :) .

It's unfortunate that your daughter was led to believe this by agencies, but as Jenna pointed out there are adoptions like this that do exist, so it's not unrealistic for an agency to say, yes, that sort of contact is possible. To sugar coat how hard her search could be for the hopeful parents wanting this sort of contact and who met her criteria is (worse than) wrong. If the article stated "this is the norm," that is misleading, but one article can not encompass all adoptions, or the range of families, participants, temperments etc. To be honest, I'm glad that the article showed a very rosey picture of how it can work for some. I'm sick of all the doom and gloom about adoption in popular media. I am not happy your daughter was caused turmoil by the representation, however I do get the vibe that you feel the article had ulterior motives (ie let's convince a few more women to place their babies). The agencies had a great responiblity to your daughter to give her information and to show her the broad range of adoption- a magezine article, while it may contain useful information, is entertainment.

Very well stated! Yes, a good agency would have pried that picture out her hands and helped her understand reality. Fortunately, she had mean old mom and dad to do that. My point of posting was to help readers understand how decisions about adoption are often made in turmoil and with misinformation. Thanks, great post. Happy G'Ma

Very good point! And I think it can apply to both the exp parent and the hopeful aparent choosing adoption. Someone mentioned earlier that there were ten pages of folks telling the OP she that her ideas of open adoption were wrong. I wouldn't agree that we were saying her ideas were wrong, rather that they are misconceptions. It bothers me a lot when I read misconceptions about open adoption, and I read them here on these boards ALL the time. I can't knock down every windmill, but some days it feels like we would at least try. My overriding impression from Mrs. D's posts is that she feels she would have less "say" over a child in an open adoption. That her freedom to parent would be shackled. This is a major misconception. While some folks do feel the (self imposed) pressure to be the perfect parent, myself included, I make every decision for my kid. I believe in every decision I make for my kid, and believing in what you do as your child's parent matters. I don't look to someone else (other than my spouse) when making decisions. And just for the record, we had 8 visits our first year, six the next, and are blessed to know many, many family members. I am not sharing this to convince you of persuing open adoption, Mrs. D. More knowledge is always good, and it makes the ultimate decision a better informed decision, one you can feel more fully commited to. Just wanted to throw out to Shoshana, wow, your post, straight to the heart, thank you for sharing.

Great bashing of a misconception there. :) I have NO say in the day to day parenting of the Munchkin, no should I. (Nor do I expect to; just stating!) I think a majority of birthparents understand the difference between open adoption and co-parenting. (I say majority because, thanks to those feeding misconceptions, there are always some who don't understand or accept boundaries. They should be dealt with on a case by case basis.) And your points about the more knowledge = the better. So very true. :) All great points!

Mrs. D started a new thread and is getting some great support on the forum on dealing with the myriad of emotions that she is facing. She is an awesome lady who has launched her search for information and who will find her way. Happy G'Ma

Thanks you Gmom. I actually set and talked on the phone with my caseworker last night. She says that in todays world open/closed adoptions are not black and white. She says its more complex and there is so much in between. I think she backed up a bit on the pushing of open adoptions when I told her I wasn't sure of my comfort level. Instead she promised we would sit down and talk options in one of our 1 on 1s. I would like to also point out that misconceptions sometimes arise from bad experiences getting over publicized. One friend trying to be helpful sent me a website for Anna Mae Baker....a case in Tennessee. I felt heartache for both the aparents and bparents while reading about it, but it scares a potential aparent to see such a nasty battle over a child. It wouldn't have mattered who won (it was the aparents), it was just heartbreaking to see an open adoption with such disasterous results. It just heightened my fears. I have bad luck, I feel cursed at times. I see a number of great bmoms here who know boundaries....I fear I'll be one of the ones with the bmom who doesn't. LOL Its a fear....an could be completely irrational. But, I have had as recently as November found that I can be a poor judge of someone until I've known them awhile. I wonder if that poor judge of character will be a problem when finding a matching birthmother. Will I pass up the sweetheart dream bmom for the one that only appears to be what we want? Its a scary prospect. This woman would potentially be in our lives for 18 years or longer. Its a big commitment to make with only knowing the woman for a few months. I was engaged for 2 years before I married and married for 4 years before we were sealed for eternity in the Temple. I don't make commitments like that easily. *blush*

Thanks, SBmommy, I felt kind of sad when it seemed to get lost. I'm glad it touched you.

LOL, MrsD. All of us have made bad character picks. When I think back to some of my friends and boyfriends, eesh. And irrational fears are also okay. We all have them. I have them! The trick is not to let the irrational run your life. Otherwise we'd all be sitting in a corner with our eyes closed. lolHang in.

Touched me too!!! :flower: Excellent post. And MrsD yes, all relationships are scary. Sometimes open adoption can feel like an arranged marriage with no chance of divorce ;) BUT I think that you will find, for the most part, that if your focus stays on the one person you all will love more than life itself (the baby-child-young adult-adult) everything will work itself out. Yes, it takes faith and trust and courage but so does a whole lot of parenting.

Just actually had the time to sit down and read through all the posts (wow)... I think open adoption is a term used for a situation which really has no description... I mean open adoption means different things to different people, when we first started talking about adoption (while in the midst of our infertility treatments)... I was absolutely 1000% against any kind of contact, I was terrified by all the lifetime tv shows and news reports about adoption battles... I figured if the adoption was closed and the birthmom couldn't find us, it wouldn't be an issue. But when we seriously started talking about adoption I did my research. I read everything I could find, talked to everyone I could find... and honestly the biggest thing that swayed my AT FIRST was that if you follow the law, and do things legally there is little to no chance of your adoption ending up as a movie of the week... removing that fear allowed me to look more into open adoption. We were matched the night our birthmom went into labor and on the drive to her (almost 7 hours away) we discussed that we felt comfortable exchanging letters and photos... in our research we had come to understand the need of both the birthparents and the child to have some connection. Our birthmom was so happy that we agreed to this, she said everyone she talked to told her to plan on not ever seeing her child and if she did it wouldn't be until he was an adult and that he would hate her. Yet she was still committed to placing him. Over the last 3 years things have definitely changed... we have developed a friendship that is independant of our adoption. I feel like if she were my neighbor I would be friends with her... my admiration and our friendship is a very special thing for me... for our son, it allows him to know part of his family... it removes the questions, the whos? the whys? When he gets to the age where he was realy questions, I'll hand him the phone and he will be free to ask... Being adopted is his story but it is not what defines him and i think this will be more true as he gets older because he will have any and all information he needs or wants... One case in point, a month ago he needed to have tubes placed in his ears... they needed to place him under general anethesia (also removed his adenoids)... I had a friend almost die because she has an allergice reaction to the medication... being able to call my sons birthmom and ask her if she or his siblings ever had any problems allowed my mind to be a little more at ease... I don't know if I would have been able to go through with it NOT knowing that simple medical information... I agree that open-adoption isn't for everyone, but neither is a closed one. Each individial person needs to make that decision for themselves. And yes of course we have to think of the children, but if YOU are not comfortable with it, your child will feel that fear and then perhaps they will also fear the situation... you just need to be honest and open with yourself and your adoption agency (which $40,000 and 3 years??? seems.... odd.)... as to the comments about grieving over infertility etc etc... yes I went through fertility treatments I never really cared if I ever got pregnant... I wanted to be a parent, to share the world as I know it with a child, to share our silly little family traditions... so yeah it wasn't a totally selfless act, it was about my needs too. I don't think that is a bad thing... :) On another note: yeah I know, I'm rablimg... our same birthmom contacted us last spring because she was pregnant again, we experienced the pregnancy with her this time (dr's appt's, she asked us to name the baby so she would know what to call him, etc etc on and on) but in the end after we had him home she changed her mind... which I absolutely her right, but still heartbreaking for us. Now most people tell us we should cut her out of A. life to punish her, never speak to her again, change our phone number - no one understands why we want her to still be a part of our life... to me, it's simple... what kind of parent would I be to A. if I basically said to him "If you disappoint me I will cut you out of my life." Life is about forgiveness and about understanding... We are all human, we all laugh, cry and make mistakes. No one is perfect. I know that there are aparents who close adoptions over much simpler things, to me, I can't imagine any scenario that would cause me to remove her (and her family) from our lives... Good luck with whatever you decide, and while I agree with researching researching researching you also have to do what is right for you :) g. [url]www.gtjohnson.com[/url]

I just wanted to add that we visit in person anywhere from 1 - 5 x per year depending on all of our schedules, but we talk on the phone and email all the time.

Ms. D: My heart goes out to you as you move forward in your journey towards motherhood-and I hope you carry in your heart that belief that you will get to be a mother. I too, think you have great courage to stick with this thread. i think it shows how open and willing you are to explore the tough issues. Adoption is scary and hard and wonderful all at the same time. I am in the process right now, currently matched and waiting. I have had all of the feelings you have expressed at some point in the journey. I have been told all of the same things that you have been told. As for grief, it is for you to know and understand your own heart. No one can tell you how or when to grieve. We lost a son to triploidy and I will always grieve him, however, I know that I will have more than enough love for the baby that our potential birthmother is carrying if I am blessed to be his mommy. As for openenness, I just wanted to add that like an expectant mother who has to re-make the decision to choose adoption at birth, you may not be able to make the decision on openness till you have meet an expectant parent. I never thought that I would want openness. It scared me. I was terrified of it. All of that changed when I met our potential birthmother. There was a natural progression of honesty, trust, and love that has grown between the two of us. Now, I can't quite imagine my life without her. However, I would never assume that what works for me or for her works for anyone else. I just wanted to say that I can appreciate your feelings as I have had them myself. I think that sometimes it is easy to get frustrated, scared, or even angry because we feel so much of the process is out of our control, many of us can't give birth, we have to wait to be chosen, we have to worry that the match will fail. These things are very hard. And being frustrated or scared by them does not mean we don't respect or value the expectants woman's right to make those choices. I think it is sometimes normal in the beginning to project those feelings of frustration onto the birthmother. We may feel they have all the power and we may resent that. I think I did at first, but once I got to really know the expectant women I met in our search, and got to share in the live of our potential birthmother by our weekly phone calls and our visit. I started to see that it was not about power and control at all. It was about mutual need and want and love. It was then that I really knew this process was for us and the resentment vanished. As you go farther into the process, I'm sure your feelings with change and shift regarding all these issues. It is just the nature of the journey. Just remember though that you do have a choice. You are not powerless. That is the beauty of the adoption triad. No one is suppose to be powerless. It is suppose to and should be about a blending of everyone's needs, prodominently the childs. I hope you can remember and keep in your heart that the child that is meant to be yours forever is out there. All different types of people adopt and all different types of adoptions work. I have faith, just by your willingness to be so honest about what scares you, that you will find the right match for you. Good luck! Peace, Kelly