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First of all, I encourage all the men who read this to please chose your sex partners as wisely as you would choose a future mother to be. Even the use of proper contraceptives, as I did, may prove ineffective and you may find yourself in my situation. Like many who post on here, I am scared. I just found out the last girl I was with is pregnant. To put it simply, she is not fit to be a mother. It took most of my pursuasion to get her to drop recreational drug use and she still won't stop smoking marijuana, as she is convinced it won't harm the baby. I wish to put the child up for adoption, but unplanned pregnancies are in the hands of the mother, and she wishes to take care of the child, even though she can hardly take care of herself. Not only do I have very limited options as the father, but I also have very limited resources to attempt to battle her for the child, although it seems inevitable. I can not financially support a child as a graduate student but the child will be in worse shape if I don't fight for it. I have a feeling, however, this is a fight I can not win. I know the system is set up the way it is for a reason, but I certainly don't like being on the unfair end of the consequences of that system. What can I do? Please help me, I am scared for my child and our future. Michael
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Michael -
My heart goes out to you. And you make a great point - but not just for men, for women too. Anytime anyone chooses to have sex there is the chance that they will be for ever tied to that person through a child.
As faras the rest - there should be some Father's rights groups in your area that may be able to give you some advice as to how to proceed to legally to protect your child to be as best you can.
Barring that, be as active in your child's life as possible, even if he or she is in the custody of their mother. Be very aware of your conduct and seek to show as good of an example as possible when he is with you. You can't undo any issues she (the mother) has, but you can show your child there is another way to live.
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Michael,
I can't begin to understand how you feel though it is commendable that you are thinking off your unborn child. This is a difficult situation but one you have little control over as you're not the one who is pregnant, I know it isn't possible but you know what I'm getting at. I've never "done" recreational drugs so can't comment on that although I understand your concerns as I would be in your position. Have you discussed possibly that the two of you talk to a neutral person together to dicuss your fears/concerns over the health of your unborn baby such as a doctor? Maybe she will listen to someone in the health care industry rather than you as you are too close to the situation. Please don't take that as a criticism(sp) it's just a suggestion.
Wanting adoption for your unborn child may be the best option but if you try to force the issue would be unfair on all concerned including yourself. Just out of interest if the pair of you could come to a sensible agreement would that ease your mind? Adoption does have it's place in society for many good reasons and as you're an intelligent young man it can come with its problems. By the way have you researched all the options available? If you haven't then please do as it will help you. Sorry if I sound negative, I don't mean too just trying suggest things...positive thoughts coming your way.
:grouphug:
Pip :wings:
This is terribly hard. I have no legal knowledge but some practical advice... to put it simply, Be a Good Guy. Be supportive checking on her, take her food, offer to take her doctors visits and pay her co-pay (and keep receipts), support her and you are supporting your future baby. Maintain a friendship, no you needn't be in a relationship, but work at being kind and civil.
Aside from being a good guy and setting an example for your child, if you do choose to go to court it will matter that you have done these things... and that you continue to be supportive after birth. Your college might have a legal aid department you consult with on your rights after birth. All the best...
Don't wait until after the birth to take action. court cases take a lot longer than most people think. secondly if you feel that strongly about her not being a fit parent take action immediately. If you can somehow prove she is continuing her drug use you will have a much stronger case in court. Few people know it but men can take advantage of the free legal help available to women who have been the victims of domestic violence and other such services. Here in Utah I filed and won a suit for discrimination because they refused to provide legal help even though I met all the criteria except the one about gender. there should be some free or price adjusted legal help available you just have to find it. Almost forgot about the state bar assn . The governing body of law professionals for your state should be able to put you in contact with someone who can do some pro bono work for you. Most states require a predetermined amount of pro bono work from each firm on an annual basis. The only thing that is required for you to be a victim of unfair and gender biased custody/adoption laws is inaction. Being proactive not reactive is the key to being successful in your attempts to make sure your baby has a fighting chance at a good life.
Michael, There are several courses of action that you can take before the baby is born. First, find out if you need to register as the baby's father in your state. You need to talk to a family law attorney. This is crucial if you intend to fight for custody. If you really are convinced that the mother will be an unfit mother, you might be able to gain custody. Explore parenting classes now, do all you can to be the responsible parent. Anything that you can do now to build a reputation as a solid, stable person could help in a custody fight. I know several birth fathers who deeply regretted their children being placed for adoption. I suspect if you have the concerns you already do for this child that you might regret losing your child as well. If you are unable to gain custody, do all that you can to remain a stable presence in your child's life.
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I would just add...DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT. If you see mom doing drugs...write it down. Tell some one and write down who you told. If you go to visit mom and see that she's high...write it down! Tell some one and write down who you told. If the household where mom and babe would live is unsafe/unsanitary, write down what you saw and when. ake someone with you when you make a visit. Write down who came along and ask them to write down what they saw. A friend of mine was in a similar situation (although he wasn't pushing for adoption). He had a child with a woman after a drunken one night stand and found out about the baby when he was 9 mos. Mom and baby go from trailor to trailor living in filth (the boy came over to visit with fleas and bites all over his body and respiratory problems!) and she spends the child support money on clubs and booze. I couldn't convince my friend to step in and take custody (he was so afraid she'd cut off visitation) but you know what? That child deserves better from his father than to be left in that horrid environment. I agree, contact legal aid. Explain the situation and see if you can't sue for custody. The presumption that mothers are best for children during their tender years can easily be overcome by documented evidence of neglect or abuse. Also, contact your college. You may be surprised that family housing is often available for undergraduate and graduate students with dependents at the same costs as what you may be paying now. Childcare is also available at most universities at reduced rates for students. Your financial aid award may also be adjusted to reflect you new expenses so contact your financial aid office. Try these things and then let us know how it goes. Good luck!
If she is an active substance user, then you should alert DFYS/CPS, whatever your state calls child protective services before birth. They will monitor and if the child is born with exposure, they will very likely remove from care/custody. In many states drug exposure in utero is considered child abuse.
I agree as well that you must determine what your state requires in terms of asserting and proving paternity. You are a putative father, simply stating "I am the father" is not enough.
Lastly, you say you are in graduate school. Does your school or another one in the area have a law school? If so, maybe you can interest a family law class in your case. It's an unusual one and a good opportunity for them to examine putative fathers' and child custody/adoption/foster care.
Best of luck.
Regina
I agree with Sneezyone. Document every action that you take on behalf of your child - for your child's sake as well as yours. The courts can be very hard on fathers who seem to appear at the "last minute" and try to influence their child's future. You must be able to prove in court that you took positive action on behalf of your child from the time that you found out that your girlfriend was pregnant. Otherwise, your opinions may be dismissed. I am sorry. This must be so hard for you. I admire you for stepping up to taking care of your child. Your advice is good for men and women alike. Choose your partners wisely. Birth control is not 100% effective. Happy G'Ma
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Michael,
Can I just echo a previous poster and suggest that you call the Department of Social Services? If the baby's mother is indeed still using, she's in need of services that will help her have a healthy pregnancy and that will ensure the baby isn't born with damage from those drugs.
And YES, please, make sure you've registered your paternity. Call your local department of vital records for more information.