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I almost journaled this (and I still might), but wanted to post it here to get some feedback. We were in the elevator this weekend going into the local Target. It was me, the baby, the baby's dad, my dad, and about five other people. DH was holding the baby. A couple of women were cooing and making faces with the baby, who was being his usual ham self. One of the women kept talking about how cute he was, and the other said, "He looks mixed." Then she looked to me and raised an eyebrow, so I said, "Yes, he's biracial." Of course, rather than smile, or say nothing, she said, "How'd that happen since neither of you two is black?" She was almost accusatory, and the other woman, said, "Ooooh!" and laughed as if to imply I cheated and conceived someone else's child. Elevator doors open. I said, "He's adopted," and smiled. The women then seemed pleased and happy, and we all walked out onto our floor and in our separate ways.
After it happened, I could have kicked myself. First of all, this is the first time anyone has commented on his appearance. I'm middle eastern and the baby's dad is half Mexican, so we're both pretty dark. We look like we very well could be his biological parents, and frankly, even though we're not keeping his adoption any kind of secret, I just don't think it's the business of every person we run into in public. Also, he may have been too young to comprehend what happened, but if that happens when he's older, I don't want him to get ONE INKLING of the idea that he's not our child in every meaningful way. I don't need complete strangers to undermine his confidence.
I was pretty offended at the entire line of questioning, but was restrained and polite. I wanted to rip the woman's hair out and kick her in the face. Even at this age, I'm always talking to my son about how wonderful he is, how he is African American and Black and how he should be proud of such a rich heritage, that he is the best of both worlds. I imagine even with all of that, it might only take one comment from another person to start the path of self doubt or self loathing, and I won't stand for that.
How to handle this in the future, if it happens again? I don't understand why strangers feel as though they can engage into a dialogue with other strangers about parentage this way. Am I overreacting? How can I handle this next time that doesn't either end in me hating myself for how I handled the situation or me physically hurting someone?
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DeeVee
"did you get him from Pakistan?" I just don't know what to say to people. Dee
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How awful, I don't know why I'm surprised at the rudeness of people, but I am. I understand your concerns about as your child grows and begins to comprehend things, you don't want it to alter his self image or his security in your family. We are having the same concerns for DD, and I don't know how we'll handle it yet, either. I do think you handled it very well. I also understand your desire to keep his story for him to tell, and not wanting to share it with strangers, as you said, it really is nobody else's business. I can't believe how some people feel they have the right to know every little thing about every person. You did handle it well. And I think it's a cool idea to journal it. One day, you may want to show your child how you developed into the role he'll come to know you as. I have no doubt that the reply you gave today will be different if you were asked the same thing in a year, or 10 years. We'll evolve into our roles and our kids will benefit from knowing that we did evolve, too.
I've gotten the "is he mixed" remark and said, yes, the sperm and the egg mixed and he was born with a nice glare. I've also gotten "where's he from?" to which I respond NJ. A girl at our pool was (I think) trying to figure out if our son was adopted. She asked me who I think my son looks more like - I said his father. It amazes me what information strangers feel they are entitled to.
The Foxx
It amazes me what information strangers feel they are entitled to.
HBV
"I can't imagine why that would interest you."
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My dh was pushing our ds in the buggy at the grocery store while I was busy filling it up. An older lady came over to us and asked my dh rather loudly if he was sure he was his. I was so stunned but my dh turned and smiled at the lady and said sure I am and I have the papers to prove it. Some people have alot of nerve. Frenchie
This weekend, two older women came up to me at different times and asked me if Bella was mixed. UGH! She was off playing, so she didn't hear, but UGH! We were at a friend's daughter's birthday party. I usually answer, "Yes, she's Biracial," just so they know that I don't like that term. I didn't this time, though, because one woman was my friend's mom and the other was a guest's grandmother. I don't know why I wimped out. That's SO not like me! I was mad at myself. . .
Sarah
As a mom to my ds who's a small 28 month old child and my dd who's a tall 13 month old, I get the comment "ooh are they twins?" all the time. I haven't been able to come up with a good comment yet about this. I've also had ds dressed up in boys overalls, shirt, and a bib with I'm the little prince on it. I have gotten the comments from many people "oh what a cute/pretty girl what's HER name?". My response is always "Well I don't know about HER but HIS name is Ryan Christopher and HE's Momma's little boy". People see Asian and assume China so they assume GIRL!!! When I take my dd out and put her in a playdress with pants underneath, I have gotten "what a handsome boy". I really want to ask them who are they seeing because I don't see anybody there that is that particular sex. Anybody else experience this??Jen
tinkerbell- how horrible!! Although, I will say that I am the WORST when it comes to telling the sex of babies (of course i said BABIES) but even then I look to see immediately what they are wearing...and then I simply say "What a cute sweetie, or baby or w/e". I have always been bad about this....I don't know what my problem is!! But, seriously if they are toddlers and they are dressed girly/boy-ey then there is no excuse except pure ignorance.
Natalie
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I was at a grocery store and saw a cute toddler (15-18 months old maybe) dressed in a plain white T-shirt, jeans, and white cap-toe Keds. Both ears were pierced with silver balls in for earrings. The toddler had a headfull of beautiful, loose curls. I said, "OH! What a gorgeous little girl!" To which the mother very angrily replied, "HE is a little BOY!" and walked off. I mean, if you're going to pierce both his ears, leave his hair longish, and dress him ambiguously, don't be so ugly when someone genuinely compliments you on how pretty your child is.
Sarah
I am new to this site and have enjoyed reading the responses. KAT, I loved your response. I too have had a few insensitive remarks. My dd is multiracial/cultural so people comment on her beauty all the time. She has long brown/black curly hair and big black eyes. Ironically I was in Target also when a woman asked about her ethnicity. She was very young at the time so I was very green about intrusive questions so I answered her, her response was, "Is the father still around?" I just stood there stunned and said yes. She even followed us when we left the area we were shopping. Another time we were in the grocery store when at the checkout the clerk asked about her ethnicity, I rattled everything off and her response was, "Is the dad from around here?" I just told her no, paid my bill and left her there with an open mouth. There are days when you will feel like educating the world and then your patience is real thin on other days. I agree with the response of asking a person why they ask and that turns it around on them. This makes the person think about why they have asked and why they are asking it. Then there are days when someone will restore your faith in human kind. My dd has a friend from her school and he is VERY cc, blond (almost white) hair, blue eyes, and FAIR complexion. We were at the grocery store in one of the car grocery carts when an elderly lady chatted with us about how handy the carts were. My dd loves talking to people so she told the lady her name and the lady smiled and asked what her brother's name was. I almost burst with pride that she thought we were family when nothing about our outward appearance would tell the casual observer that we were related. Good luck in the future as I am going to keep checking back myself to hone my responses to silly questions. Home study complete Feb. 2003:) Matched Mar. 2003:cheer: Born Apr. 2003:wings: Finalized Jan. 2004:clap:
DH and I have two little boys, one fair-skinned and blue eyed, the other one cafe-au-lait with black hair and eyes. When I get a comment about the difference in their looks I usually answer:"Yes, I Have one vanilla and one chocolate. Aren't they beautiful?" :) Generally people then simply agree and keep going. Where I live, luckily the questions aren't due to racism, just a genuine puzzlement how two brothers can look so different.
My daughters were adopted from El Salvador. The oldest is very "Indian" in appearance with the beautiful cafe skin and long silky black hair. Her younger sister is Caucasian in appearance with curly black hair. When the girls were 4 and 6 we were at a schoolmate's birthday party and the children were playing some kind of game standing in a circle and throwing a ball. One of the children said "Throw it to the little black girl" (meaning my oldest daughter). Her little sister immediately yelled out - loud enough to stop the whole party - "She isn't black, she's brown and she's a BIG girl!" When the time comes, your child will know how to handle remarks.
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Anyone ever get annoyed that people assume he ISN"T yours biologically? I"ve never had anyone look at me like I was cheating on my husband or somehting, like some of you have.
When we're all out together (2 bio kids, me, dh, all cc, along with our son, who is from Ethiopia) ok, I get that people will assume he's adopted. And I have no problem answering people's questions b/c most of the time they seem to be asking b/c someone they know is adopting or whatever...
BUT when it's just me out w/him and people ask questions about adoption, I get peeved. How do they know he isn't biological? Why do they assume he's adopted? I think man, if my husband were black, I'd be SO TICKED if people kept asking me about my adopted son!! He IS adopted and it still annoys me...like there is no way he could be bio!
That's funny, Terenga. When I am out with DD (either alone or with DH), I have never had anyone ask if she were adopted. Sometimes, people make a big "stink" over her and will comment on her great tan (haha! like I leave a baby baking in the sun!), but for some reason no one has ever asked if she is adopted.... Then one day I was out with DD and this young cauc clerk said to me. "Is your baby mixed?" and I was like, "Ummm. Yes." She said, "Of what?" And I said, "Well, she's AA and cauc." The clerk said, "OH! AWESOME! My boyfriend is Dominican and I can't wait to have a mixed baby!" And I realized that it was pretty cool that she assumed that DD was my bio kid and that DD's dad was AA. (I have read a statistic that something like 20-25 percent of teenage - early 20s kids are involved in interracial dating relationships which is awesome).