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Our dd is 6 yrs old. She entered foster care when she was 3 and we adopted her at 5.
We have a semi-open relationship with her birthmom. We see her about every 2-3 months with letters and phone calls in between. Because dd was young when she was removed she remebers her life as sunshine and roses, what she doesnt remember she makes up. Birthmom is always full of promises of overnight visits and vacations and then dh and I have to be the mean parents and say dd cannot go.
We dont want her to have a negative image of her bio family, but we do want to prepare her for the reality of what she will find when she is older. Birthmom has alot of mental health issues and is hospitalized on a regular basis because of them. That is one of the reasons dd cannot go anywhere with her.
My question is would it be better to slowly introduce her to the facts about her birthmom as she is growing up (D*** mommy sometimes forgets what is true and what is pretend) or wait until she is older (teenager and able to understand mental illness better) and sit her down for a long talk.
She is getting older and this is becoming more of an issue so any help would be appreciated.
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I got here kinda late but I think I would start with telling your child that her biomom is often sick and even though she wants she can not take her for events that she promises. I would make her failing to do what she says make part of her illness. I would also point out to the child that because her bmom is sick she thinks that it will be ok when in fact it's not safe for your doughter to go with her anywhere.
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Thanks to everyone for their input and ideas. Right now we are going with:
D**** (first name) mommy makes choices differently than other grown ups. She thinks more like a kid and while that is lots of fun, it does not keep you (dd) safe so you cannot go with her. When she is taking the medicine that the doctor gave her she can make better choices and then it is OK for her to visit with us.
We always talk about how it is good and natural that dd loves and misses her biomom and that we know bio mom loves and misses dd. We are still hoping that she sticks with the counseling and meds so we can have a healthy elationship with her.
Our dd was 3 1/2 when she was brought into the foster care system this time and 5 when her adoption was finalized so there is a huge bond between dd and biomom that we wouldnt dream of trying to diminish. There are so many memories and answers to questions that will be asked in the future that only her biomom has. We dont ever want her to lose her biomom, we just want our daughter to be safe. For now that means we can only visit when dh or I are present.
I can really relate to your posts. my ad's bio is bipolar. ad is 14 now so she understands much better. i personally think it helps them to know about mental illness for one very important reason: it is not about them. they have a valid factual reason for being put up for adoption so that if they struggle with "what's wrong with me", they have something they can offset that with.PREFACE: ( i fully understand some people do it purely out of love, relinquish rights to a child, and if that were the case, that is what i would emphasize with her.)does that make a lick of sense? personally, my mom was diagnosed bipolar when she was in her fifties...i wish i would have known that growing up, wow!!, what a difference that would have made. that's another reason i explained it to my ad.i let her understand that her bio was unable to make the right decisions even when she wanted to... her brain just works differently and she is not even aware that she doesn't make decisions the same way most people do. it has helped ad a lot. ( it's not personal any longer to ad that bio doesn't communicate with her)one final note, from my experience with bipolar d/o, i would not let my ad stay with her overnight: ever. i would never take that chance. oh and i think you're handling it great!! it's not a blame game, it's just a fact and it's nobody's fault.
b4truth: Great way of putting it!! My last fs's bio mom was bipolar. I would tell him she was sick and couldn't take care of him until she got better. Re: overnights with bios: the bio mom of the 2 sons I have now wanted to go on vacation with us to Hershey. I planned it as a "family" vacation but not wanting to upset them, I just said "I'll see". When the time came, bio mom was nowhere to be found. Bios promise the world but cannot deliver. By not saying "no" outright, it gives the kids a chance to see their bio parents in action.
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My dd's bmom I suspect has RAD. We call it a "broken heart". It is broken because her parents were bad people who broke it and didn't do their jobs. And because it's broken, she isn't able to show love the way a healthy heart would. She wasn't able to be the kind of parent A needed. So she was smart enough to find someone who could do the job of parenting A right.A doesn't see it as a mental illness, just as a quirk of what makes S who she is. And although A had wonderful times with her bmom, S knew it wouldn't be enough to just have good times every once in a while. She knew A needed a parent with a heart strong enough to be her mom.A was almost 4 when she came to live with us. A doesn't get letters or cards or gifts. She doesn't even get emails really, and certainly not on birthdays or holidays. She accepts that S is doing as much as her broken heart will allow her to do. A sees that even a little effort now and then is enough. We are always glad to hear from S, but it isn't expected, nor disappointing when it doesn't happen.
