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To all birthmothers, especially those involved in a closed adoption...
Did you hold your baby after he/she was born?
If not, do you wish you had/could have?
Do you think holding your baby made it more difficult to separate? Or did you welcome the chance to have those moments together?
My birthmother and I are debating about this subject. She had requested not to see me when I was born (in the 60's...closed adoption) thinking it would be easier for both of us not to be with each other, but the nurse mistakenly (or maybe on purpose?) brought me in to see her. We had 3 days together. Apparently I was a very "happy baby", and never cried during this time. As soon as my birthmother was gone, I was inconsolable. My adoptive mom was puzzled, thinking perhaps I was coming off of drugs or something because it was so extreme. And of course my birthmother was a wreck...she cherished the time we had together but she thinks it made signing the relinquishment papers and moving on with her life much more difficult. She wonders whether there is a correlation between separation/abandonment feelings in the child (and later into their adult life) and whether or not they spent time with their birthmother after they were born.
What do you think?
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wilted rose
merrill, Thankyou! Beautifully articulated and eloquent. As an adoptee, I could never identify the raw grief. The only way I could describe it would be this: There are compartments in my heart, except one remained empty. I suffered as many of us do in silence and perhaps the lack of being able to name it, to claim it. While the other compartments began to fulfill, this one continued to ache and bleed. For me,when I looked into my bmothers eyes, well perhaps that was the moment of 'reckoning' Now for me, my heart is whole.Rose
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[font=Arial][/font] [font=Arial]Then in that sense my son should feel found as we are reunited, but he says it was all too late (though it began in his early 20's). He said he would have preferred an earlier reunion, at 18 or even earlier if it could have. His grief in reunion was mostly expressed in the form of Anger for the first couple of years, and still sometimes. I know another male adoptee who says adulthood is late (in the emotional process) but that there is still a chance of preventing some of the seemingly intractable issues if addressed earlier on in life (the hope of open adoption?) ...needless to say, if carefully guided by adults who know what they're doing. Also there may be other issues not directly related to the separation trauma but to other life experiences, in the mix. I can be hard to separate it all out. I guess that's the great big knotted ball of confusion. But discussion helps 'dissect' all this...one thread at a time. [/font]
RobertHafetz
I feel lost because when one is lost one needs to be found. You are found
merrill1277
[font=Arial]Then in that sense my son should feel found as we are reunited, but he says it was all too late (though it began in his early 20's). He said he would have preferred an earlier reunion, at 18 or even earlier if it could have. His grief in reunion was mostly expressed in the form of Anger for the first couple of years, and still sometimes. I know another male adoptee who says adulthood is late (in the emotional process) but that there is still a chance of preventing some of the seemingly intractable issues if addressed earlier on in life (the hope of open adoption?) ...needless to say, if carefully guided by adults who know what they're doing. Also there may be other issues not directly related to the separation trauma but to other life experiences, in the mix. I can be hard to separate it all out. I guess that's the great big knotted ball of confusion. But discussion helps 'dissect' all this...one thread at a time. [/font]
i understand the concept of "primal wound"I have done a lot of inner thinking and pondering and I cannot find anywhere in myself that has a connection to Dorothy, other than by genetics. I don't feel a void, hole, gap, grief, wound or anything. I don't know that she held me after I was born. I was a preemie in 1968, so i'm sure I was "off limits" to all but medical staff. As for "why" i want to find her and the girls. Because we are related and it would be nice to know them is there something wrong with me because i'm okay with the person i am and not worried/concerned with who i might have been?
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[font=Arial][/font] [font=Arial]I think we've been through the worst of it already...but good anyway to hear its not endless ;). Thanks Robert, and also to the other adoptees who shared their insights and experiences here.[/font][font=Arial]Merrill[/font]
RobertHafetz
Reunion is the begining of a new set of challanges as well as the resolution of old ones. Adoptee emotions are like in layers and anger is often waiting to come out. Let it come its not endless.
merrill1277
[font=Arial]Then in that sense my son should feel found as we are reunited, but he says it was all too late (though it began in his early 20's). He said he would have preferred an earlier reunion, at 18 or even earlier if it could have. His grief in reunion was mostly expressed in the form of Anger for the first couple of years, and still sometimes. I know another male adoptee who says adulthood is late (in the emotional process) but that there is still a chance of preventing some of the seemingly intractable issues if addressed earlier on in life (the hope of open adoption?) ...needless to say, if carefully guided by adults who know what they're doing. Also there may be other issues not directly related to the separation trauma but to other life experiences, in the mix. I can be hard to separate it all out. I guess that's the great big knotted ball of confusion. But discussion helps 'dissect' all this...one thread at a time. [/font]
Kathy, For myself I think my reunion has gone much more successful because I renuited when I was almost 40 years old. I was secure in who I was. I wasn't looking for a parent. I think it helped that I had children that had a huge age range, as a matter of fact one of my daughters was the same age Diane was when she had me, it put things in such perspective. My kids were 18 through 1 when we reunited. I think being a parent has helped me have a better understanding for her, her feelings and putting mine aside at times. So for myself and myself only, I am very grateful to have waited to reunite until later in life. And yes, as someone who lost her father and husband three weeks apart, we all grieve differently, in our own way, in our own time. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve. Very observant. Carolyn
carolynppk
Kathy, For myself I think my reunion has gone much more successful because I renuited when I was almost 40 years old. I was secure in who I was. I wasn't looking for a parent. I think it helped that I had children that had a huge age range, as a matter of fact one of my daughters was the same age Diane was when she had me, it put things in such perspective. My kids were 18 through 1 when we reunited. I think being a parent has helped me have a better understanding for her, her feelings and putting mine aside at times. So for myself and myself only, I am very grateful to have waited to reunite until later in life. And yes, as someone who lost her father and husband three weeks apart, we all grieve differently, in our own way, in our own time. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve. Very observant. Carolyn
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a nurse brought me to my bmom by accident and as my bmomm was reaching out to take me another nurse came and told her i was to be adopted out,.I REEALLY wish that my mom could have held me at least she would have had THAT. I dont know what i was like as a baby my adoption has too many loopholdes to ever really know.I was born a month before they listed on my b cert. where was i for a month... ill never know. I have fears that my bmom may just one day up and say well its been nice so long. she has promised me that she never would so i have to trust in that. I have bpd/bp so i already have abandonment issues.i NEVER regreted fiding her. She IS My mom...i just wish that i could turn back time for awhile..sigh.. anyways just my thoughts/
[font=Comic Sans MS]I'm a Bmother and I was able to hold my baby daughter. I don't think the nurses knew that my baby was going home with new parents. It was the most amazing experience of my life. I thought she was such an angel, so perfect and such a miracle. I never wanted her to leave my arms. She was soft, quiet, she was perfect. I remember her holding my fingers tight as if she never wanted to let me go. I whispered into her ears "mommy loves you so much and never forget that"; I went through that experience for her, to give her life. I lost a lot of blood after the delivery and it took me some time to heal but it was worth it "to give life to her".[/font] [font=Comic Sans MS] Giving birth and carrying her for nine months made me realized unconditional love. I'm so glad I got to hold her. It helped me overcome some of my grief. I also called her adoptive parents and let them know their baby was born and ready to see them. I have pictures of us together on her very first day of life. I cherish those picture near to my heart. She's 17 years old now. [/font][font=Comic Sans MS][/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]I don't know if it's the right thing for all Bmothers to hold or see their baby after birth but I felt strong enough to hold her, touch her, kiss her and keep my promise to her. My promise to give her a better life with loving parents. She's had nothing but the best. [/font]
The councilor at the maturnity home in1970 advised us that the experience would never be as "real" to us if we did not see our babies therefore less painful. I chose to see my daughter any way. I had wanted to try natural childbirth but was told that it would be "too traumatic". I was to be knocked out.My daughter was born in the "hospital" section of the maturnity home. We were told for some reason that we were not allowed to see our babies until the day before we intended to sign the papers. I realise now that this was illegal as she was still mine but no one ever questioned this policy. We were also not allowed visitors when we were in labor or after the birth. I knew that I was expected to stay in the hospital for a full week. I did not want to sign the papers until the last minute in part because I was hoping for a miricle but mainly because I just wanted her to be mine for a while longer. When I did see her she was six days old and a perfect baby. I memorised every detail about her. I did not have a camera and don't know if they would have let me take a picture or not. I am glad that I had that time with her. It was only an hour or so. I do hope I didn't cause any damage by making her wait so long for me to sign the papers so she could start her new life. She has told me that she was glad that I found some way to bond with her- but I bonded the day that I first knew she exhisted- before she was born.
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I am a BMom. I held my daughter every day while we were in the hospital. I would even go see her through the glass in the nursery. The last day I held her for three hours. I kept telling her I love her and she deserved a better life than what I could provide. At the time it helped me deal with the tough decision. In the last 18 years the memory of her being in my arms has helped me make it through the rough patches in life. I have pictures of her up until she was 6 weeks old, one of them is framed and has always been on my nightstand. I do not regret seeing her or holding her and I'm thankful the agency I went through told me I was allowed to do this. Now I think I'm at the toughest part...waiting to re-unite.