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I'm uncertain how hard I should try to keep in touch with my son's birthgrandma and her family. I've really been agonzing over this, very indecisive. First of all, let me state, we have a good, fully open relationship with his birthmother, that's not the problem. His birthgrandma and her family live in the same state as birthmom, but not the same city. Initially, birthmother lived with her, so when we went to visit her (once a year -- it's a lo-o-ong drive) or called, we'd see/talk to birthgrandma. She was against the adoption, but birthmom didn't make it easy -- ran away to another state while pregnant, didn't tell her mom about adoption -- when she got off the plane to go home, birthgrandma thought she'd have baby with her! She was pregnant again when she returned home, had her son and lived with her mom and family for over a year before moving out with fiancee. We even drove once to NC and met birthmom with her mom and family before she met her fiance. However, she continues to have a rocky relationship with her mom and sisters -- particularly one sister who won't forgive her for the adoption/how she did it. When we visited in the fall, she said her mom would probably drive over for the day to see our son, but she didn't tell us when. One day we were meeting for lunch, and her mom and sister -- the unforgiving one -- were there -- she didn't tell us ahead of time. They were pretty uncommunicative. We'd planned to take the boys -- her son and our son -- to a park after lunch. Our son's birthmom didn't give directions to her sister and mom, they got lost following us to the park, had trouble contacting them via cell phone, so they just drove home, over an hour away, after spending about half an hour with our son and not being very friendly. Part of me feels I should send birthgrandma a card with pictures and a letter a few times a year, which is what I've done in the past, part of me feels like why should I bother? They don't seem very interested in having a relationship with him. The sister had refused to speak to us the first few visits and her mom had allowed it (she was a teenager then, a few years older now), then she'd sent us a letter apologizing, which we really appreciated. But after she and her mom were so cool in the fall, it feels like we're back to square one. I know my primary responisibility is to maintain contact with my son's birthmom, but should I also try to keep in touch with birthgrandma even if I'm getting this bad feeling? I feel like they blame us/resent us for the adoption. Thanks for listening and any feedback! I've got a pack of pictures I never sent at Christmas (didn't have their new address, now I do) and have been debating if I should send an easter card with an update and pictures. :eek:
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I would say send the pictures and card a few times a year until you hear otherwise from them. Show them the door's open. Maybe if bgrandma sees that you are committed to the relationship her heart will open up to you. If she opposed the adoption it might take her a while to come around, but I'm hoping she will. Open adoption isn't about doing what's comfortable for the adults, it's about doing what's best for the child. :)
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I agree. send those lovely chatty letters taking up your child's achievements, with photos, maybe 3 or so times a year. At least you're making the effort and end the letter with some note hoping they get to see your child again, how to contact you etc. then the ball's in their court and your child knows you made the effort to stay in touch.
extended family is great and hopefully they need to be wooed. I know from discussing things with dd's bgrandma that dd's bgreatgrandma won't be so warm and friendly, that while dd is family, we're not and we have to woo her. fine with us, lol. Maybe she's like that, so if you make the effort she might come around. at the very least she might warm up to your son. She may never fully embrace the situation in her mind (or she may), but it's about maintaining some contact for your son's sake.
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