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We are trying to adopt a special needs child thru the state of OR, we have been selected to go to committee on 1 child basically giving us a 1 and 3 chance in being selected as his adoptive family. The state is in the process of terminating the bio mother's parental rights as she was unable to make safe decisions for the child and or herself. The mother gave birth at 17, I believe, and has been involved in prostitution and various other crimes since earlier in her teen years and is also chemical dependant with some mental issues and is constantly on the move throughout the western US. She does recognize that she cannot meet her son's needs and according to the bulletin, it seems as if she's supportive of the adoption. The bio grandma, bio mom's mother, has a history of drug use during bio mom's childhood which may be what has led to bio mom's issues, but bio grandma has apparently been sober and stable for years. Currently bio grandma sees the child every other weekend (he spends the night) but is not interested in adopting as she works 2 jobs and can more than likely not adequately provide for him. Bio mom, when in town, sometimes sees the child at bio grandma's house. It states in the child's bulletin that bio-mon and grandma would like to child to be placed in the local area and that bio grandma would like to remain in contact, I'm not sure what her expectations of contact are once the child is adopted. We do have concerns with this as if we were to adopt this child we would not want contact with bio mom due to her continued criminal activity and chemical dependency not to mention the type of people she surrounds herself with. We would be open to contact with bio grandma as she is already part of his life but have reservations here as well. We would not allow the child (he is 2) to stay the night with her and we are not comfortable with her knowing where we live due to her contact with her daughter (bio mom). Meetings would be at a neutral location and I have been told that we should not contractually bind ourselves to visits if we do have reservations rather than an agreement to letters and pictures. More than anything these are safety concerns for our family. We are working thru the possibility of these issues with our adoption worker who has stated that we will set the terms for visitation. The larger dilemma is our extended family who does not seem to be okay at all with bio grandma having any contact. It seems as if their (our extended family) main concern is that this sort of contact leaves a door open and someday down the road if bio mom cleans her act up she will try to barge in and regain custody. Now, I have been told by an adoption lawyer that our state has some of the most progressive adoption laws in the nation and that she had only heard of one case in the state where an adoption was overturned due to violations of the Indian Child Welfare act. I also understand that once Termination of parental rights is complete it is just that and there is no turning back.I feel as if my families concerns are mildly legitimate but not enough to keep us from giving the bio grandma a chance provided we are chosen by the adoption board to adopt this child. We are very cautious and not exactly comfortable with the thought of contact with the bio grandma but can't help but feel compelled to at least give her a chance as it sounds as if she has no problems at this point.Any feedback in regards to our concerns is greatly appreciated.
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I think your family could use the book 'Adoption is a Family Affair: What Friends and Relatives Must Know' by Patricia Irwin Johnston. They are your family, they love you and don't wish to see you hurt.
Having said that, involuntary TPR is different from voluntary placement. There is of course a real possibility that this child's biological mother may never give up -in her mind- her right to be this child's mother. In the eyes of the state, once her rights are terminated, that's it and reversal is nearly impossible - especially where the state has petitioned for termination themselves.
It does not take into consideration though the needs and rights of this child. Every child has the right to understand and know their entire history - biological, genetic, social, environmental, everything. Continuing contact with family members allows that. It may not seem like a child needs this, and when they're an infant/toddler/preschooler they really don't. All of their needs are being met by their parents. It's when they're older - 8, 9, 10, teenagers, adults- that the investment in this relationship pays off. So when they say 'who am I?" they have a complete picture.
It's also good to have should an illness or medical issue develop where a biological history is needed or highly valuable. For instance, my son developed eating issues. We were able to speak to all grandparents (bparents' parents) to see if there was any history of reflux right away, rather than guessing.
So, if it were me, I'd keep up contact with biograndma, protect your privacy as you see fit, and hope that this child's first mom both improves her life and accepts her new role - as first or birth mom, not only mom.
Best of luck, JMHO
Regina
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I have had quite a bit of exposure to the kinds of situations you're describing with regard to involuntary TPR. I would recommend great caution with disclosure of your address/phone etc. I know that will be difficult for his grandma, but the potential is there for trouble down the road. Having said that, visitation in a neutral location may be a good compromise. You could try it and if there is too much "fact seeking" by the grandma you could terminate visits at that point. That poor little boy isn't going to understand any of this. My dd is only 9 months old, and she loves her Grandma. He may know Grandma as his only safe place. Good luck.
I agree that "great caution" is best, not in terms of them getting custody back as that doesn't appear to be a possibility under the circumstances. The state would not be going for TPR if they believed grandma or birthmother is appropriate. My caution would be in relation to what could happen in the future if they have as much openness as spending nighty nights with grandma. Birthfamily can greatly influence an older child who still has visions of sugarplums about birthfamily throughout their life, even in knowing the truth about birthmom's drug abuse issues (put mildly, obviously, to a child). Respect is one thing, but err on the side of caution in the BEST INTEREST of YOUR child. Which is what he will be. YOUR child. I know it is difficult to draw a line from respect to caution but I believe it must be done in cases such as this. I speak from experience. We have 4 adopted children. Our daughter was adopted at the age of 2 from the foster care system. She was removed from birthmom due to issues such as you describe. Over a period of time, I contacted bio grandmother from info I had in our child's file and she was wonderful. At that time, I just wanted to express to her that her grandchild was loved and cared for with parents who feel blessed to have her in our lives. She called birthmother with the information and through a period of 5 years, I have opened our contact with birthmom. She is mostly improved in her situation but still has issues that keep us from allowing face-to-face contact at this point (and maybe never). But she writes very appropriately to our daughter, calls US her parents, expresses to us and to our daughter how happy she is that she found her way into our family. She is totally respectful of us and we are able to be the same way with her. If she ever because inappropriate in her language to our daughter or to us, we will amend our openess. At this point our daughter is allowed to speak on the phone to her birthmother and that's probably the most open it will get for a very long time. We have shared our address but, again, that comes over a very long time and much respect for each other. In your case, I would not even consider it. Again, he will be your child and it is your choice but be careful, particularly because the state is not insisting on any level of openness and appears to be allowing the adoptive family to decide. You can feel free to PM me if you care to know what state we're in and how we got to this point. Open adoption is not for the faint of heart. Trust me! Josie
You guys are telling me everything I wanted to hear! These have been my gut feelings all along and hearing that others feel the same way and that in the opinion of others, what I'm feeling is not selfish may really help to solidify my decisions in the future; assuming that we are chosen as the family for this child. Thank you so much for your replies