Tears of Sorrow and Relief for Jeffrey's Family

I would like to start this posting off by thanking each and every one of you that have in any way thought about my brother, Jeffrey, or said a prayer for him or my family. Your prayers, words, and thoughts have meant a tremendous amount to my family and myself. Being able to connect to others and share my brother's life with you has been such a pillar of strength during times when everything was so confusing. I arrived home Monday night after a very difficult day of travel. I spent the entire layover in a public restroom, squatted on the tile, crying at the thought of everything. Memories, words, letters, perceptions, evidence, bones, arguments, disappointments, just everything beating me up...but at the end of this confusion the simple memory of my brother's long, slender feet...I'll never forget his feet. He would kick me with them when we were children and it would feel like sharp knives stabbing me when his thin bony heel would press into me...I would get so mad and we would go at it. At the end of it, I would be hurt...he would be hurt...we would be crying and somehow the compassion of loving someone more than you can understand would kick in and we'd want to nurture one another and make each other feel better. It was some of my earliest experiences with unconditional love, compassion, and connecting. Yesterday I rode with my family as far as I could ride in a 4-wheel drive vehicle in the mountains. Afterward, we had a steep hike into a remote area marked only by boudler-like rocks. As metal detectors went crazy, I would fall to my knees and put my hands to the ground and dig with all the force my fingers had. I do not think I will ever forget how it felt to pull a rib from the earth, and all the emotions that came from that...I kept thinking about how if this was my brother scattered throughout this area...bones buried in various places where wild animals had dragged remains....eaten flesh over the years...this was beyond any words I could have ever learned, emotions I could have ever known, and as Jeffrey and my little 12 year old brother held the rib that is believed to be his hero, our brother Jeffrey, to his face to absorb it...I broke down. I felt that love and compassion that I learned from my brother and all I wanted was to hold my 12 year old brother and take that visual of that rib away from him, away from me, away from my mom who had this look/emotion that I had never known before...I wanted to put it back and pretend it never existed, but at the same time I became obsessed with finding more pieces of this wonderful brother that I was so fortunate to have him my life for 18 years....I never wanted to stop digging, searching, I wanted to dig, dig, dig, dig, dig. I had never known the feeling of holding a rib (that could be Jeffrey's) that was weathered and holding it so close to me....it was unbelievable but I felt such love. With this dirt under my nails, days of not showering, bags under my eyes, tears at the drop of hat.....the only thing I can think about is that this amazing boy, this compassionate person with the biggest aura I have ever known...didn't get enough compassion from whomever may have laid him in that resting place....my heart aches to think about him, alone, cold, hurt, suffering, looking at the sky as it turned from dark to light...I hope he knew that I was looking in the same sky. We have yet to get word from the medical examiner, but I assure all of you wonderful people that once we do I will let you know, whatever the outcome is...and my entire family appreciates and loves you and thanks you for your compassion. From the bottom of our hearts, thank each and every one of you. The 18 years I spent with my brother will outweigh my entire life. Deeply, Alisa M. Ben

My dear precious son, We have searched for you so long and so hard and our search may be ending. I wanted to find you alive somewhere and that is still my hope and I will cling to that hope until Dale Birchfield tells me what they have found deep in the mountains at Clayton is indeed you. As we went to that site many questioned crossed my mind that still remain unanswered. Why, who is responsible??? Those questions have haunted me. Son, there is no way to tell you what you have meant to me. There are so many songs that tell the story of how I feel. You will always be alive to me in my heart and in my mind and in my soul. Lisa is flying home today, she is so torn up emotionally it rips my heart out. How do I ease her pain? Jeffrey, I love you more than words can ever express