Survivor Guilt

Dear Adoptee, Thanks for posting. You bring up a topic that I think a lot of adoptees can relate to. Some adoptees do feel overly responsible for the feelings and well-being of their adoptive parents. Sometimes this is related to the message that adoptees should feel grateful for being adopted. My feeling is that adoptees should feel as grateful as non-adoptees. It might be helpful to get some counseling and/or read some books along co-dependency/assertiveness lines to help you stand up to your parents and others. Since we teach people how to treat us, changing your behavior will change theirs. When you get to the point where you feel you have nothing to lose by being yourself, you will be able to stand up to anyone, including your parents. And don't let them tell you what to do regarding your son - you are his parent and the one in charge of his well-being. By the way, you are not all that your parents have. They have your brother too, no matter where he is he is still their son and hopefully they know that. You don't need to make any apologies for him or where he is. The best way to deal with the possibility of inheriting money is to forget about it. Act as if you will not receive any money from them and then you will be acting more authentically. You may not be able to change your parents but you can change the way you relate to them and that will change the relationship. You realize there is a problem and that is a huge step. Keep going!! Wishing you all the best. Marlou Russell, Adoptee Forum