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Well, this is a long complex situation, but I'll try to get in as much detail as I can. I am a single mother of a beautiful 3 year old, whome I love with all my heart. I am also in my last semester of graduate school. I met a guy a year and a half or so ago. We hit it off pretty well at first...then I got pregnant. We considered our options. Neither of us wanted to have an abortion, he was never supportive of adoption. "You are not giving MY baby to a stranger" he said. I however felt it was the best option as neither of us were really in the best situation to have a child, and I was already struggling financially to take care of the one I already have. After weeks of discussion, we decided the "right" thing to do would be to get married and have the baby. I was unsure of this decision all along but figured...people do this all the time, we'll make it work. Well, after we got engaged things really went down hill. He was always very needy of my attention, but really started to go off the deep end. I couldn't even go to the bathroom without him walking in on me to see what I was doing. He would call me several times a day while I was at work and get really upset when I wouldn't call him back. He wanted to be right there while I was doing homework and would get mad if I just felt like reading. I also think he was jealous of my daughter - he had made comments about my spending so much time with her and not enough with him. Anyways, you get the picture. Then we got in an argument one night because he found out that I had slept with someone else two months prior to us getting back together (we had broken up for three or four months). Now mind you, I got pregnant shortly after we got back together. During this argument he accused me of being a slut, threatened to make the rest of my life a living hell and threatened to have my 3 year old taken away. He also demanded a paternity test, even though we both know the baby is his. I have had two ultrasounds. There is no way the ultrasound could be two months off, twice (although he says he has a source that says it could be). Well, after that argument, we then got into another fight on New Years Eve, he was drinking heavily and got angry about something. I can't even remember what it was now, but then AGAIN, made all the same threats as before. It was at this point that I said, enough. I can't marry this guy. Well, I broke off the engagement and told him I was reconsidering our options for the baby. Again he said there was no way I was giving HIS baby to a stranger. Well, I am now trying to make my final decision. In my heart I know an adoptive family could likely provide more for my baby than I could right now, and I want to be able to provide as best as I can for the child I already have and not have to divide my time, energy and money (which is very sparse right now - I was laid off in February) among two children. Not to mention the inevitable confusion that will result from having to explain to these two kids why they have different daddies and why one gets to go with this daddy on this weekend or holiday and the other on this holiday, then thiers the child support issues, how Im going to finish school, get a new job, raise a new born and a preschooler all on my own. It's a tough choice. I'm just not sure if I should keep the baby, let dad take the baby or pursue the adoption. I really don't think the dad could provide any better an environment than I could. No to mention the fact that he has made no attempt at all to contact me since we broke up. I can't really see how someone who says they want a baby can just ignore the fact that thier child is growing inside of someone. I need advice.
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Wow, Sounds like you're in a very tough situation. All I can say based on this: is that the child may be growing inside you but it is equally his. Also, just a question, does your 3 year old understand that you are having a baby? Good luck with this, healingfeeling
I can't really see how someone who says they want a baby can just ignore the fact that thier child is growing inside of someone. I need advice.
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Yes my three year old is, or was, aware that I am having a baby. We made quite a deal of it at first. She was going to be the big sister. She even helped pick out names. However, I have completely stopped talking about it with her. My hope is that she is too young to understand and remember. This is something else I'm struggling with. Do I let try to explain to her that the baby is going to be adopted which means he will live with someone else or do I just hope she forgets about it?
I really am sorry for your situation. I had an unplanned pregnancy at 18 and I decided to parent my son. I really have no advice for you but did want to say that I doubt the your 3 year old will "just forget". Even though you have stopped talking about it she still sees your growing belly everyday. Plus, and I say this as a mother to 2 sons, children don't forget things that often. Even is she doesn't speak of her sibling right away in the back of her little mind she will remember. I would say that if you do place your unborn child then you get some sort of couselling for your daughter to help her better understand.
hey! i cant say i know what your going through but my birthparents do. My mom and dad were married and had a 3 year old when i was born. My mom thought it was best for everyone if i was just adopted. She felt her first priority was to her daughter. I was adopted at 3 weeks of age and i have had a great life. My adoptive parents love me so much. Even though i am slightly mad at my b mom for giving me up i know i have had a way better life then i woud have ever had with her. If you need to talk u can write me back. i hope i helped a lil bit.
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ecogirl77
I really don't think the dad could provide any better an environment than I could. No to mention the fact that he has made no attempt at all to contact me since we broke up. I can't really see how someone who says they want a baby can just ignore the fact that thier child is growing inside of someone. I need advice.
ecogirl,
Missed this thread somehow...is anybody giving you unbiased support?
Your situation can't be easy so just be sure you get all the information you need for your options. By the sound of it you're trying to make the best decision for your situation so don't let anybody pressure you. If you make a decsion to keep anybody else happy before your needs and your childrens (I'm including both your 3 yr old and unborn child) then you could regret it for the rest of your life.
Loads of hugs
Pip :wings:
I hope it's OK to jump in. From what you've described, the father sounds abusive. He might never have laid a hand on you, but to call you hateful names and to THREATEN TO TAKE AWAY YOUR DAUGHTER (!!!!) is not OK!!Sorry to "shout" at you, but I have been there and I can tell you - it doesn't get better from here. I know every situation and every person is different, but he sounds abusive to me and if I were to give you advice it would be to 1. definitely seek counseling. Either call up a domestic violence hotline or a women's shelter and ask to speak with someone and they can help or at least point you in a good direction.I am a bmom. I placed two children for adoption when they were born. It was over 14 years ago, but I still deal with the feelings of being involved in an abusive realtionship with the bfather of my children. Same guy, how I wish I'd gotten out of that unhealthy (and violent)realtionship sooner.I know that one reason I turned to adoption was that although I desperately wanted to parent my child (and I wanted an involved father) I knew it would not be good or healthy - for any of us - to try it with the bfather.I wanted my child to live in a stable, 2 parent home. That's just what I wanted, I was 19 and in college and wanted what I felt was best - I don't want to come off like I'm "bashing" single parents. YOu are already parenting your 3 year old and I bet you are doing a good job!You are already a mother to your unborn baby and should you consider adoption seriously, I also suggest counseling (if you an find unbiased, i.e. not from an adoption agency, go for that). I guess I just want to say that if this man is jealous of your daughter, that's a red flag. If he threatens you, another red flag. If he gets drunk and verbally trashes you, there's another red flag. Don't let him - or anyone - intimidate you!!! I feel so passionately about this because when I was pregnant and involved with a man who threatened me and called me names and hurt me I didn't reach out for the help that is out there (Hooray for you!)and I bet it would have been better for me (and as a result, my unborn children) had I sought counseling/support/shelter - something!I'm not regretful that i chose adoption. I have a semi-open adoption with the family (both of my bkids, full siblings, are adopted together) and I have contact and they are doing great. I am proud of them and proud that I birthed them and chose what I felt was best for them. I wish you find support and love to make the best choices you can for you, your daughter and your unborn child.(as for talking with your 3 year old about the baby.... you are smart not to involve her in the day to day of your thoughts and all you are going through. She is too little to "get it" - or need it. She will not, hoever, just forget, so whatever you decide, please let her know about the decision, whether it is parenting or placing.Answer her aquestions on her level, just like you do about anything else she asks about. If you go over to the Birthparents forums there are lots of women who placed a child for adoption when they had children and I'm sure they can be of assistance - should you need it) Whatever you choose, just remember that you are a good mother, a good person and you are doing the best you can! Peace,GigiA Bmom
Sorry to jump into this discussion as a pre-adoptive parent, but I just wanted to say that I really feel for your situation. It is very tough, to say the least.
If your ex-bf is that deadset against adoption, though, I don't think placement is an option for you. At the very least, you should consult with an adoption attorney and ask him about the laws in your state regarding "birthfathers." Leaving the biological father out of the loop is often how adoptions get contested and overturned, I think.
Please do respond to bromanchick. She should have some good advice for you.
Good luck to you in considering all your options,
D.
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No offense, but he has rights, too, as he should. Moving on to another thing you said: Your final decision cannot be made until the child is born. If you are planning on placement, that is fine. Having your ducks in a row can help make a difference in feelings of confusion and being alone during a rough time. However, the final decision has to be remade post-delivery. Another thing: Not to mention the inevitable confusion that will result from having to explain to these two kids why they have different daddies and why one gets to go with this daddy on this weekend or holiday and the other on this holiday, Many a family does this. Successfully. Without much confusion. Children are far more resilient than we give them credit for; simple, age-appropriate explanations are just fine. Going off of this specific example, children who are adopted into a family from more than one set of firstparents also have the issue of "well, he's got a different firstfather than me." So? Explain it to them in age appropriate terms, with constant reminders of being different doesn't make you LESS, and it really removes the issue all together.Love and emotional support are what children need. (Well, along with food. Which, speaking of food, if finances are tight, the newborn can be breastfed, exclusively (meaning only breastmilk), for a year (no other babyfood, etc) and save you a boatload of money.
Well, I am now trying to make my final decision.
Not to mention the inevitable confusion that will result from having to explain to these two kids why they have different daddies and why one gets to go with this daddy on this weekend or holiday and the other on this holiday,
Jenna, I know I have no business making this about me - it is soooNOT about me (or my experience as a bmom) and while I agree with you (intellectually, anyhow) that fathers "have rights too", I get really caught up when the father is ... how to say this... less than loving, supportive or kind -or any of those things. I know that you have rights no matter what kind of person you are. For goodness sakes, I certainly don't believe that people need to earn their rights by being nice people, but I guess it boils down to my belief (and I'm sorting this out as I go along) that parenting is not a "right". People seeking to adopt don't have a "right" to any individual child, nor do people who happen to conceive have a"right" to parent -not necessarily, anyway. I don't know what I mean! I guess I'm so struck by ecogirl's description of the baby's father. He seems, by her account, to be jealous, unstable, verbally abusive and just not very nice. I know I know practically nothing about this guy, but that quote about him "taking away her daughter and making her life a living hell" just chills me and makes me so worried about this woman, her 3 yr. old and of course, her unborn baby. This guy, while he may have legal rights, sure doesn't sound like he "deserves" them. (Not that I'm in any position to judge, even though I guess I am.) I'd hate to see anyone make a decision to adopt or parent out of fear of the father, but it happens and I wonder how it ends up for the people involved?I'm just ruminating and running my mouth where I probably shouldn't, but I'm so "into" this topic about not so nice bfathers and what to do. Maybe I'm making this guy into a monster and he's not. I don't know. But calling your girlfriend a "slut" and threatening her child are not signs of love and not signs of a "good" father, don't you agree? (I posted on another board or two about abusive bfathers and it's kinda my "issue" at the moment, probably why I feel so strongly about it) GiGi
Parenting can change people. Ask any woman who wasn't looking to get pregnant and found herself to be so. It grows you up, matures you. You cannot say that because you deem a man as "less than loving" now that he won't be an amazing father to his child. To deny him his child simply on that fact is, point made simple, wrong. Now if he has all ready neglected children or abused people, that's a different story. But to call names during an arguement? We've all done it, in the heat of the moment and even sometimes with malice.Fathers have rights. Even ones who don't act in the way that we feel that they should. Munchkin's father had rights. I didn't deny him the chance to make his own decisions. No father should be denied that right.
don't 'ya think it is pretty scary that this guy has threatened more than once (and once while drunk, which instead of excusing it, I think makes it all the worse) to "take her daughter away"? Granted, I don't know how he would do that, but it certainly sounds like intimidation to me. And his comments about spending time with her 3 year old instead of him? Yikes. "You cannot say that because you deem a man as "less than loving" now that he won't be an amazing father to his child" Well, no, you can't know for SURE - but do you take that risk? Don't you look at past behavior as a good indicator of future behavior and say, "well, this is what has been said and done and chances are it will be like this again?" or do you hope for a person to change?I just think that is setting yourself up to be disappointed!I genuinely want to know what you think, at what point do you make your opinion about a partner's behavior? - I happen to consider myself a pretty optimistic person, who believes the best about people, but I get a bad feeling when I read her letter -to me, it's got bells and whistles going off and all I can think is - Get Out Fast!I'm not trying to belabor this point (although I guess I'm doing just that!) but I have to say, when a baby is involved, you've gotta be realistic and not put on blinders. If a father is acting this way now, how is he gonna be when the baby is nursing for hours every day and the mom isn't able to spend time with him?(I'm a huge advocate of extended and on-demand nursing -I think it rocks!!) How is he gonna act when the baby wakes him up several times at night? How is he gonna act when her three year old wants more time with mommy? How is he gonna act when ...... you know what I mean? I'm not saying deny him his rights (that's not right, nor is it legal) but when you say it would be different if he's abused/neglected in the past -well, what I hear in her letter is evidence of that. Maybe my ears are hypersensitive to it, but it's more than calling names, it's the repeated threats that just don't sit right. At the crux of this is that I hope she's Ok and I hope she's getting support from people who have her interests in mind (not just a desire for her baby). Thanks for the respectful dialogue!:)GiGi
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I will say it one last time and let it go:Fathers have rights too. To deny them that is not only morally reprehensible but legally detrimental to any adoption plan.You don't know the story any more than I do. What she has said doesn't sound like he's the vilest of all men on the planet. My daughter's firstfather scheduled me for an abortion. I still involved him in the decision making process.It's about recognizing that Father's have rights. And respecting them. Obviously we will just have to agree to disagree. I will never say, except in cases of abuse, that a man does not deserve to be acknowleged. I just won't.
I don't think we really do disagree, when it comes down to it. " I will never say, except in cases of abuse, that a man does not deserve to be acknowleged." I agree with that! I guess it comes down to a definition of "abuse" and we can certainly agree to disagree on that one.In the interest of full disclosure, this topic is sorta' my hot button one at this time. I'm currently reading a book about violence in teen dating relationships and it is very distirbing, to say the least. I know full well that my personal experience colors my objectivity on this and I can even admit that I may be making a bigger deal out of this than need be. He might be a nice guy (but he doesn't sound like it) and he might even be a good father (but I think he's abusive). But who cares what I think, anyway?! The mom gets to make the call on him and if she is able to do so objectively, realistically (when you're in the middle of an ugly, violent relationship, it's hard to see it for what it is, hard to believe that you deserve better, and very hard to get out).But that's my experience and the "stuff" I'm rehashing from my own life is very much on my mind, very unpleasant to sort through and deal with and it just might make me hyper-aware... or even blind, in my own way. I was seriously curious about your thoughts on when you make a judgement call on someone's behavior and whether or not they stay in your life. At what point do you give up hope that they will change/grow up.....? Ecogirl, if you are still reading this thread I thought it might be useful to tease apart your relationship from your pregnancy. Would you get back with this guy if you were NOT pregnant? (I think you'd said you'd broken up).Would you marry him if you weren't pregnant?And do you like the way he treats your 3 year old daughter?I am sincere in my hope that you are OK and getting support.GiGi