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We have raised my dh's nephew on and off for his first 4 years of life. Our nephew's bio dad, dh's brother, is deceased. Our nephew's mother has been in and out of drug rehab and now is at the point where the court is severing her rights. She is mentally unstable and has never proven to be capable of effective parenting (drunk driving with child, neglect, etc). I might add she also has 2 other daughters, by a different father, and has no custody but visitation is under the father's discretion.
However, now as severence is pretty certain by the court, she now says she is willing to voluntarily relinquish the child to us (he is currently living with us again), in the hopes she will be granted liberal visitation rights.
We will be having a meeting to discuss this in 2 weeks. We have 3 other adopted children who were adopted internationally, so open adoption is a new experience for us.
My question is, at his age (just turned 4), what do you think we should expect in terms of visitation? I am concerned because it almost seems like she wants to be a co-parent of sorts, and I think it's important that he learn that WE are his family. She keeps saying things like, "I will ALWAYS be his mother, nothing can change that." So she does feel threatened by this. And I guess I do too.
I believe she will be requesting monthly visitation after the adoption (she lives 5 hours drive away from us). I am thinking more like once a year? And what about contact? I know that she will want to call him frequently, probably once per week. Again, I am thinking much less frequently, maybe a few times a year on holidays or something?
So, while I know contact is important to him since he does have a bond with her, I also feel that for his sake he needs to realize we are his family and parents now. I am trying to decide what is in my nephew's best interest. Sometimes he becomes extremely angry and upset during and after her phone calls...attacking walls, hiding, screaming, hiding under a desk and crying, for instance.
Any advice or opinions appreciated (please be gentle!).
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Hi Dian,
Just noticed that no one has replied to you yet. First off, (((HUGS))). I think that it is important for a child to have a relationship with their birthfamily. Now to what extent that is up to you. I agree that visits once a month is alot, especially since you live far away. Can you do a bit of negotiating with her? I believe that you need to set some boundaries with mom. Sounds like she also needs some education about open adoption. Maybe sending her a few books to read might help her. She is right in one aspect when she says she will always be his mother. But if she TPRs you will be his mommy - two different things and two different roles. If you sense any coparenting going on during visits, etc you will have to nip these issues in the butt immediately. Be open and honest with her, but also set some limits and boundaries. This won't be easy but it is necessary for a healthy relationship.
Good luck!
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Thanks for your reply and suggestions.
We just returned last week from a "Family Group Decision Making" meeting and discussed how many visits/letters/pics etc with the bio mom and I think we all walked away satisfied with the agreement we made. Tomorrow the plan will be presented to the court, along with her intent to relinquish, or whatever it may be called in our state.
Good luck. Regression is a normal expression of grief, esp for a 4-5 yr old. We made the agreement, that the ONLY direct correspondance between dd and bmom (for some time) would be thru letters (bmom's suggestion). This way it isn't so "in your face" dealing with the confusion of having 2 families. Explain to your son that the papers from the judge just say that YOU are in charge of him now, and that YOU make the decisions and that he'll follow YOUR rules now. That makes a difference in their ability to accept the adoption. It also re-inforces your position in his life and makes him less likely to be so confused or suckered in when/if bmom tries to co-parent (past says likely). Establish an extremely limited contact for the first 6 months to facilitate bonding with your family unit...then you may gradually increase contact as you feel ready. All in all, at 4 a letter that you read to him probably will be just enough SAFE contact. (he is displaying insecure and threatened behaviors). DD has expressed uneasyness at direct contact at this point even though she lived with S for her whole life prior to placement (at 3.5 yrs old).