x-post - I am not a fp but a foster care giver?

I think it might be helpful to remove the word foster from the comparison between caregiver and parent. A caregiver will provide for a child's basic needs. A parent offers something more, creating an environment and forming a bond so that the child knows they are not an obligation but a gift and a welcome addition to the family. Don't these children deserve that experience?

AAARRRGGG!!! I had a social worker SHOUT at me in my own front yard, telling me these foster kids "are not your kids- you are not their mommy".... totally not understanding of how as foster PARENTS we afford these kids all the love, devotion, physical meeds that we would give to our bio-children. I call them "my kids" just like a teacher would, but I'm not dumb enough to let myself think that I am their mommy. I know this beautiful thing will end someday. But my heart knows that I am filling that role, and yes, I call myself "P's momma" If we held back the love, these kids would know and it would be yet another damage to their life. Christina, you have done a wonderful job with Gregory. I know because I hear and feel your pain and grief. Had you NOT loved Gregory with everything you have, he would have sensed that. It would have damaged him. The little guy has been thru enough. Your love has sustained him when all else around him was unstable and unsure. He thrives because of you. Now you grieve and I greive along side of you and I understand. Every time you get to see him is a huge blessing, like Christmas morning for a kid. But understand it is also a blessing for him to see you. (duh- you know this...) People that don't do this really have no clue what it takes, or what we give to it. I'm glad we have this place to come for support. Hang in there girl!

How can we turn off the stupid green words? In my earlier post, when I referred to pain, I don't think Tylenol should pop up there....

Thanks for the positive words. We have "loved" every child that has come into our home. I don't run an institution - I live in a home. A family (although run down and in need to lots of work!!!) home. There are foster parents that only foster for the money (don't see how but.....). There are foster parents that foster because they were foster kids once themselves. There are foster parents that foster kids because they love kids - this is why my hubby and I started fostering. There are kids that have been removed from their birth parents - wrongly. There are kids that have been removed from their birth parents - and have been placed back with their birth parents. There are some kids that have been adopted by their foster parents. There are some kids that will never find that "forever" home. I, as a foster parent, go thru: criminal background checkspsychological testing (when we first got our license)first aid training and CPR (that I pay for)yearly training (I pay for some)home inspections hubby and I have to have physicals every other year (that we pay for)water testing (that we pay for)child-proof our home (that we pay for)provide our outside dogs and inside cats their shots (that we pay for)hired and attorney FOR Gregory (that we are STILL paying for)take children to visitations, Dr. appts., court hearings, case plans meetings and etc. (and NOT get paid for)have our schedules messed up because of taking someone to visitation and etc. But you know what.....I AM NOT COMPLAINING.....we love being foster PARENTS. But you know what.....we do a lot of work for the right reasons and then we have to hear, "you're not this kids parents". You're right - hopefully if this kid was "my biological" kid then he wouldn't be raised by someone other than myself. Or, if my child was placed into foster care for whatever reason - I would be fighting like heck to get him/her back. But we do more to maintain our license than some birth parents do to get their children placed back with them. Just a thougt..... Christina

[font=Comic Sans MS]All I can say and it maybe in the wrong thread but I read your story and my heart went out to you.[/font][font=Comic Sans MS]My bdaughter went to a fostermom when she was discharged from the hospital before we signed with her parents and I just love that woman to death for what she did and the love that she gave my daughter for the week she was there. Not to mention the compassion that she gave to me in the emails and pictures that she sent.[/font][font=Comic Sans MS]I think that you are an incredibly strong person and no doubt that Gregory will remember you and the love and support that you gave to him. You were not a caregiver but a parent. :grouphug: [/font]

Leigh,Thank you SO MUCH for your kind words. Your words touched my heart and I am sure that you have touched the hearts of many. You also sound like you are a very strong person. Bless you today, tomorrow and ALWAYS. Christina

Are these friends making these comments or state workers?

brl, We have heard these comments from several people over teh past three years. Sometimes someone doesn't have to say the words - but you can tell by how they are looking at you what they might be thinking. Christina

Gregory'sParents: To me Parent is not a noun but an action. With everything you do and have ever done for Gregory, you are by right his parents. You may not be his biological parents, or the only parents he has... but you are his parents. I remember when Austin was with us, shortly after placement, his appendix ruptured. We sat at his bedside for 13 nights in the pediatric ward at the hospital. Soon the news circulated through the ward about the 7 year old foster kid who almost died of appendicitis. On night 10, the on duty nurse asked me "And where are his real parents?" I almost spit nails! she had seen me there daily for 10 full days, never leaving his side except to use the bathroom, and alternating sleeping there nights with my husband. Parenting doesn't GET any more real than that. You are Gregory's Parents. No matter what happens. You have loved your son, acted out of love for him, and made a positive difference in his life. No matter what anyone says, they cannot take that from you. Or from Gregory.

Family: a primary social group; parents and children Your license says it all- "Foster FAMILY". People can be very insensitive and ignorant. Because (in most cases), these childrens' biological parents couldn't or wouldn't care for their children, they have been placed with foster PARENTS, to act as parents since their bio. parents won't. So I guess this person also believes that if a man impregnates someone, but wants nothing to do with the child, that he is still a "parent"? Give me a break.Don't let people like that get you down. You parented Gregory in all aspects of the word. And I thought you'd find this useful. More definitions of "foster parent", with at least one of them being defined by our government: Definitions of foster parent on the Web:[list]

[*]Individual licensed to provide a home for orphaned, abused, neglected, delinquent or disabled children, usually with the approval of the government or a social service agency. May be a relative or a non-relative.

[url="http://www.google.com/url?sa=X&start=0&oi=define&q=http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/cb/dis/ncands98/glossary/glossary.htm"]www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/cb/dis/ncands98/glossary/glossary.htm[/url]

[*]means an individual maintaining a foster family home who is responsible for the care, supervision, guidance, rearing, and other foster care services provided to a foster child.

[url="http://www.google.com/url?sa=X&start=1&oi=define&q=http://www.policy.okdhs.org/ch2/340_2/340-2-3/CHP_2340232_Definitions.htm"]www.policy.okdhs.org/ch2/340_2/340-2-3/CHP_2340232_Definitions.htm[/url]

[*]foster-parent: a person who acts as parent and guardian for a child in place of the child's natural parents but without legally adopting the child

[url="http://www.google.com/url?sa=X&start=2&oi=define&q=http://wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn%3Fs%3Dfoster+parent"]wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn[/url]

[*]A foster parent is an adult guardian to whom one or more children have been legally entrusted to. Unlike godparents, a foster parent is rarely chosen by a child's biological parents. Foster parents are instead usually assigned by the government to look after children when cases of abuse or neglect are found to exist in the home of the biological parents.

[url="http://www.google.com/url?sa=X&start=3&oi=define&q=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Foster_parent"]en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Foster_parent[/url][/list]

Nicole,Awesome!!! You really did your homework!!! WAY TO GO!!! Even I learned something today!!! Thanks so much!!! Christina

I have been checking this forum for a few months and decided to become a member when I read your post. I had to reply because other people's reaction to me as a foster parent was one of the most shocking things about the whole process. Why is it so hard for people to understand that we are filling the need for a parent, not the need for food or supervision a caregiver can provide. And they are foster children, not foster dependents, who have that need fulfilled in our homes. A lot of family and friends made ignorant comments before and during our foster-to-adopt placement that dumbfounded me and my husband but what really disappointed us were the insensitive comments and lack of support when the foster children left our home. It is a loss to us -- the loss of two children the agency was so sure we would be able to adopt that they told the girls we were going to be their new parents before they moved in with us. Months later we were devastasted. No one, not even our closest friends, sent us a note of sympathy or acknowledged our loss. I have worked in the same school district for 9 years and felt ignored when the same staff "sunshine club" I had been giving money to for years to buy flowers for illnesses, funerals and cards at wedding and baby showers failed to send me anything when the girls were moved. Sometimes I want to tell people how ignorant they sound! L.

L. - Welcome aboard!!! I am glad that you finally decided to stop "window shopping"!! I have tried to stay positive thru this whole situation (with Gregory). We had a "Praise and Protect" party for Gregory. We have had two articles published in our local paper since the end of January. Having said this, we have received only three to four cards/letters. I was surprised that we did not receive more. But.....when I think about it - what are people suppose to say? When a child dies, the parents have a funeral and the parents/grandparents receive sympathy cards. When a child goes to college - you have a graduation party and they receive "congratulations graduate" cards. A "sympathy" card is not appropriate - is it? A "bon voyage" card is not appropriate. A "get well" card is not a good one either. What do you do or say to "foster parents" who "loose" a child that they had placed with them two-and-a-half years earlier to adopt? I think that sometimes people don't know what to do - so they do nothing. They don't know what to say - so - they say nothing. Some of these people don't realize that (in our case) we know that foster children are placed with us - temporarily. However, there are children that are placed with foster parents to adopt. It's hard (sometimes) to have a child leave your home. It is especially hard when it's a child that you have had for over two years "knowing" (because you were told by the professionals) that you could adopt him. Anywho.....welcome to the board! Christina

I received a letter from my adopted childrens siblings foster mom... (make sense?) She reprimanded me for wanting to keep the kids together because she is "his mother, we are his parents in every sense of the word,except legally" to me as a fellow adoptive/foster parent I found her description of parent offensive. We are to care for these kiddos, babies & teens. I have sincerely enjoyed being a foster PARENT, but after several children left, with the heart break that comes along with it... I have had to learn that no matter how much I want to be their mommy, I can only be that while they are with me, no matter how much it aches when they leave... I would never presume to tell someone they are not the parent, but, my situation, she is not the parent. Until termination, no matter how messed up the parents are, they are still the "official" parent... we just have the blessing of co parenting.