Son misses former foster mom who won't respond

I am a foster mom. My first (and only) placement was a 2 year old boy. He was with me for 6 months and he completely captured my heart. He went home in September 2005. Over time, his mom and I have developed a very good relationship. As a matter of fact, my Godson (my former foster son is now my Godson) will be with me this weekend. I was very hesitant when D first went home. I didn't know when contact was "too much contact". So, I let his mom take the lead. Your son's foster mom is probably hurt about the Christmas incident. And, she may have decided it's best if she just slip away (I had planned to do the same thing if D's mom didn't continue to reach out). Don't give up on her - send her a note explaining that he frequently asks for her and that you would like her to stay in his life. If you get no response, give it some time and drop another note. In God's time, she will call. Continue to instill in your son that she loves him. Tell him she did such a great job getting him ready for his "forever mom and dad" that now her job is to get another baby ready for his or her forever mom/dad. Explain that sometimes we don't get to see/talk to the people we love but that does not make us love them any less. I'm no expert, JMHO.

Thank you so much for your reply - it's really helpful! I was having such a hard time pulling together an answer for him as to why we don't see her, and I didn't want him to think she rejects him or that we're keeping him from her. I will give it a little time, and try at least once more. I guess my next step should be to apologize for the Christmas thing. I really think I made the right call back then since we were so newly transitioned, but for his sake, I'd like her to be a part of our lives.

DukeDelta,Most of the posts that I have read by foster parents, show that they are very happy to see previous placements-especially ones that were there a long time. Did you send a letter via reg. mail or did you email her? Are you 100% sure that she is still living at the address that you have for her? Could you give her a call? Another idea, would be to see if you can get your son's former caseworker to contact her, in order to initiate a conversation. Foster parents get their hearts broken, over and over again. It is much harder when like in your son's situation, she had him from birth until 2.5. When you have a young foster child for 2 1/2 years, there is usually a pretty good bond between the fps and fc. Though, she may have been upset for a while about the Christmas sleep over, I think there are bigger issues. She may have wrongly got the impression, that after a couple visits, you would stop letting her see him. She's probably afraid of the pain of seeing him, and then not seeing him again. People's hearts are very fragile. I would not doubt that when your son went to you and your dh, that it was as painful as losing a child. Please don't take this the wrong way. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty at all. It's just one of the horrible things that come with doing foster care. Personally, I don't think I'd be strong enough to see children leave all the time. If she was thinking you were going to renig on your wanting to stay in touch, she is probably guarding her heart. If you know that the address is in fact correct, I would try one more letter. Did you put in the first one that your son is repeatedly telling you that he wants to see her? If not, you probably should. She may be more receptive, as he is a child, and she probably wouldn't want to hurt him like that. Before you write it, you and your dh need to figure out what you are and aren't comfortable with. Let her know in the letter what kinds of visitation that are ok with you. If you now think it would be ok for DS to do an overnight visit, let her know that. Let her know if it's ok for her to call and make arrangements with you, if she's taking her other children somewhere (museum, fair, movies, etc.) to pick up your son and drive him home afterwards. Let her know specifically what kind of visits you can do. She also may have been feeling like she didn't want to do anything to hurt the bonding process between you, your husband and son. If he has bonded well, let her know that too.

Bumblebeeskies, thanks much for your wise words. I did confirm her address (sent by postal mail but not registered). Even if the last letter was lost, I can't image that the previous one was as well. In the last message, I also told her that my son asked to see her, and often looked at her picture, so I hoped that would persuade her to answer. I do have her number but I was very hesitant to call, because if she really did want to distance herself, I think both of us would be put in a painful, awkward moment. I'll try at least one more time, and use your suggestion to outline the types of visits that are ok. Now that we have bonded and he understands he's at his "forever home", I actually would now say yes to sleepovers. Thanks again!

Dukedelta: Let me say first as a foster parent.. Thanks. I know firsthand how hard it is to have placements leave. I had one in November and the new parents agreed that they would allow us phone calls and letter exchanges even to go to the birthday party the following month. However, once placement was made they notified us that they wont allow any contact. It had nothing to do w/ us but w/ the birth family but they felt that no contact was to be given. It hurt my husband dearly and one of my other foster children as the two children had such a great bond. Last week I called to ask if he would permit letters that my fs has been writing to the other child since the day that child departed. hesitantly he said yes. I have a box of things for this child and I hope that he will give it as it is so important to the child left in my care. Not many people feel secure or comfortable for even the slightest contact but some of us foster parents really do try our best to do what is right and to keep and treat these children like our own. So just from me.. Thanks so much.

No, thank you! I appreciate all the comments from everyone. My husband and I do try to put our little boy first and it seems so unhealthy to us for him not to be with ALL the people who loved and took care of him.

I think initially as part of the transition there should be limited face-to-face contact. It would be too confusing for the child in my opinion. I think it is in the child's best interest for both foster and adoptive parents to work collectively in transition of the child. My sons' foster mom and I did not agree on when overnight stays could be initiated. I basically refuse to allow any overnight stays for near future. My sons was 2 and I thought it would be confusing for him. Face-to-face visitation was resumed after 4 months, however, outside of foster mom's residency. I will have no problems with allowing overnight stays in the future. I have nothing but love for foster mom and will be forever greatful for her caring for my son.

I've fostered some kids that I see often, some ocassionally, some rarely and some never. It just depends on the situation. It may be that she just can't bring herself to see or hear from that child again. It may be to difficult for her.