How do I help my grieving family?

hummmm...no response.....let me try again.

Mamabee, could you give more information please? Did you have a reunion that did not turn out well?

Wish I could wave a magic wand over you, I've been very lucky that my family and friends have rallied round me to help me through. All I can suggest is that you all take time out to do nice things together. Pip :wings:

Yes, I did have a bad reunion....not in the beginning but as the relationship evolved it became one-sided. My family doing and doing and she not doing anything but telling me what more I needed to do. After nearly having two nervous breakdowns and week after week of therapy....I finally had to say enough. However, my grown daughters, my oldest in particular, is having a very hard time of it. She supports me 100% and does not understand how my daughter can be so hurtful to everyone and act as if we never existed although she lives less than five minutes away. My daughter will not let me even email her kids....they know about me and we had a good relationship for awhile but when she said no contact she meant everyone.

Sounds to me like she was angry, very angry to begin with. It is hard to commment though when we do not know more details, like how old was she when you entered a reunion, how close is she to her parents, what were the circumstances surrounding her birth. You are right to pull away, no one needs a toxic relationship no matter what, for your own sanity and that of your family you did the right thing. Now you need to mend the relationships with your own family, by being honest about what you were going through at the time would be a start. if you inadvertanly hurt someone during this process,say you sorry, and let them speak to you honestly as well. But remember if you b daughter come back in your life, set boundries right away and hold fast. no one should be a door mat for someone else's emotional baggage. Could she be angry about being left up for adoption, yeah but that will only go so far. I wish you luck

My daughter seemed to really want a relationship with me and my family but it seemed she only wanted to participate when the focus was her...however, we still all tried to shower her with attention. One day, she asked me to keep her infant son, which I had done on many occassions..but she insinuated all night...this child is/was very attached to his mother and cried when he could not have her...I very gently tried to tell her that I didn't think it was the right time to leave him since he is so attached...she blew up at me and then the slirs came about how I didn't do this....didn't do that....never tried...etc. I almost had a nervous breakdown....I do go to therapy and that does seem to help...the most help I have received is through here...since Feb she has said she wanted nothing more to do with me nor wants to be anywhere that I am....so that is pretty much where we have left it...but my oldest daughter, especially, has been taking it all pretty hard because she tried to make things work as much as I did...through emails in the last few days between both daughters...I have learned that relinquished daughter did have a lot of emotional issues over her adoption...she said she could not understand why her mother would leave her baby with strangers and not do everything in her power to help her baby. This is so hard I don't know where to begin again.

Aw Mamabee, I am so sorry that your reunion has turned out like this. It does sound as though your daughter does have a lot of issues with being adopted. I have read other posts by some adoptees who do feel anger at having been placed for adoption. I am an adoptee who never felt this way at all. I felt as though my bmom loved me so much and wanted what was best for me. You didn't say how old your daughter is. It is sometimes difficult for younger adoptees to understand that things were not always the way they are now. And it is hard for them to understand what bmom's go through. The pressures, the guilt etc. Has your daughter read any of the wonderful books written by bmom's? Could you copy any of the many posts on this forum written by bmoms for her to read? It does sound like your daughter is taking her anger out on you. There are some very good counselors who have dealt with adoption issues from all sides out there. If she won't go, maybe you could get some ideas on how to deal with her. I do agree that toxic relationships eat away at our very souls. And it may just be that time needs to pass before your daughter and you find a comfortable sort of relationship. I do wish the best for you because it must be heartbreaking to love someone so much and have them treat you this way. Lot of hugs, Snuffie

Snuffie..you are sweet. Since I wrote this thread, my daughter has expressed she wants to try again but we are stuck...I don't think either one of us knows what to do. I have told her I want to go slow and she has agreed and we have talked a little via email...I sent an email the next day she responds back and then vise versa...but now we are stuck...it seems no one knows what to do or say.

I am so glad your daughter wants to try again. Hopefully as time passes, things will become less awkward. Maybe your daughter is realizing that how she handled things in the past wasn't working and now is trying to find her way into doing things the right way. After any disagreement even with people we have known for years it does take time to lick our wounds and go on. I think taking it slowly is a very good idea. Maybe in a while you could do something together that you both enjoy so that you could concentrate on the fun of it. And who knows, maybe talking will be come easier.

mamabee Are you at a loss to know how to keep the dialogue going by e-mail, or how to take it up another step? I'm not quite sure what you mean by........... If it's finding new things to talk about or write about, I definitely understand that. Once you get past all the adoption questions and answers, and have to rely on life in general to talk about, and that can be quite mundane sometimes (especially if you are unable to talk about the rest of your home-grown family. Unless you can create some shared history or knowledge, conversation is very hard. I think sending her a book or CD that you love, and then talking about your likes and dislikes is a good starting point. Sending photos and then giving the history of the people in them is another. In between you get to ask some questions about her life, and she asks you in return and slowly.....slowly you start to have a feeling, a sense, of who this person is and where they have been. I'll sort of give you an example so you can understand where I'm coming from. You are talking on e-mailing and you say you have been dyeing your hair. Ask her if she has ever dyed her's and has she ever had an embarrasing disaster. If she says yes, ask her to tell you the story. Small beginnings but all the little facts, and the humor involved, make for a shared history. We all have stories to share, but it's being in a mind-set to find them, and making the telling personal that allows us to widen the gaps and see the real person. Two steps forward and one step back. That's still progress you know. (I keep on telling myself the same thing.........and it's working!!) Keep it up - attitude is everything and all we need to do is build up some trust......trust that we want this new relationship and we have the rest of our life to make it work. I think everyone in reunion knows that it's not a simple task - it's hard and there are no promises - but for me, it's so much more than I had before and most of the time I am in a comfortable place. (ust knowing that you have another chance to make it work must put a smile on your face). Wishing you everything you deserve - and then some. Ann :flower:

Hi :)Mamabee when I read your post about the time she wanted to leave her infant son with you ;I thought "what if in her mind the baby is not her infant son but "herself "Maybe she does not even know her deeper motivation or why she felt such an anger. She just felt anger, she tried to make sense of it but could not. so her anger turned against the only person she though she has the right to blame; "you." The other face of anger is probably sadness. I guess she is not mature enough to deal with all her emotions.I think she tried to close the relationship because she was afraid that she will lose you again and if she closes herself that way she would have "control."I am really sorry that reunion effected your family really bad. And I feel realy sad for your bdaughter.