Advertisements
Over a year ago she went through all the effort and time and, I'm sure some expense to request our (birthparents) information from the court system. :) At the same time I believe I was somehow "divinely" :wings: guided to a form to update my information with the state which arrived at her door just weeks after she got the court records. Doesn't she sound like someone who is curious, wants more? :confused:
In the last few months I've tried to write to her about once a week, didn't ask for or expect a reply, although I make sure to say how much I appreciate it when I get one. :clap:
She has one of those "create your own page/profile" internet pages and I try to look it up every once in a while and just process all the information those things tell about the owner. ;) It's interesting when she changes it or posts bulletins to her friends, and what they write to her. Tells me she has a lot of true friends. I'm glad for her. :flower:
But I'm so sad for us, "us" being she and her b-dad and I, as a whole thing... :( He and I always kept in touch, really just for the hope of being found by her. He's sad too, she hasn't made any attempt to meet him either. :confused:
We've read the "5 stages of re-union". Yep, the honeymoon's over... :( Now we just tread water, hoping our emotions will be rescued from this sea of desparity, longing, absence.
Has anyone got words that can sooth?
Like
Share
Advertisements
You need to give her time. I too searched for non-identlifiying info many years ago after the birth of my first son. By accident ( I was looking with someone else who is adopted) I saw that she had registered on an adoption reunion registry. i was shocked to say the least. I held on to this info for about one year, before I ever contacted the registry. I sent a letter to let her know I was alive and wellLooking back now I could have used some work on the tone of my letter. I also requested sme medical info, which she was kind enough to email to me. therre has been no reunion. You see that is not what I was lookingfor in the first place, just some information was what I needed. If I wanted to go further, I would have put my name on the registry as well. I would have liked to have met her once, and that wuld be it, however, I reliese that many birthparents would like more, and to only meet with her once would in the end be cruel to her. Even my mother questioned my reasoning, saying you should see her at least, well the aswer is no. As am other myself I know that i would never be able to say goodbye to a child a second time, the first wuld be traumatic enough, but to do it again would hurt too much. And because I am thankful to her for what she did, her painful decision long ago, I would not want to add to her pain. By the way she seemd to be at peace with her decision, and never had any more children, her career seeemed to be her focus. In the end it is all as it shoud be. give your daughter time, she may not have wanted a full blown reunion right from the start, she may never, though I hope for your sake that is not the outcome. I wish you luck on your journey Adoption is not a four letter word.
BLESS YOUR HEART!!!!
Many of Bmothers (including me) have experienced what you are experiencing!!! It is just plain HARD!!! We want more than ANYTHING to just know them....HOLD THEM...LOOK AT THEM....ANYTHING!!!
Please know patience above all else is needed....we just must wait and see. It has been three years since I contacted my bdaughter and in the begining she too acted if she wanted a relationship, and then BOOM...NOTHING at all....She did not want anything to do with me. I have left the ball in her court since the beginning so I must continue to do so, as I would LOVE to force her and say....CAN"T YOU SEE HOW MUCH I JUST WANT TO KNOW YOU AND HAVE WANTED TO KNOW YOU SINCE 1984!!!! BUT....I can't do this...I SOOO have to respect her feelings and all of the emotions she must have with reuniting!!! It is just plain HARD and a roller coaster ride for Everyone involved!!! Please remember you are NOT alone....My thoughts and prayers are with you!!!
Staci :D
Advertisements
Dear Lilac,How old is your daughter? If she is still young, she may just need time to sort through her emotions...she might not be fully matured yet, and is having a hard time processing feelings of guilt to her Aparents. I know the waiting is hard...almost impossible, but it's all we can do. We can't force ourselves on them...if they come to us in their own time - when they're ready - then it can be mutual on both sides. Good luck with all of this. Hugs, Tammi
She'll be 25 in September. And yes, to a certain extent, I do feel she is still just not mature enough yet to deal with this BIG an issue. As important as it was to her when she went to the courts for info, I think she lost focus when she actually found us. Kind of like that "sitcom" mentality. Conflict (needing to find us), Resolution (got the info), End (made contact), on to the next thing....
She's a mom now too, (1 1/2 yr old), and the baby's dad, her ex, passed away in his sleep in December, so far unexplained. She has expressed how upset she is at this, even though prior to his passing, she used words like "hate", and I knew that wasn't the case. I believe Love and Hate are on the same side of the fence, the opposite side is Indifference.
She has a fairly new boyfriend, and they seem to be getting along FABULOUSLY. And she just moved into her own place finally, so maybe when that all settles down she'll be ready to really think about us again.
I just keep letting her know when I've scheduled time off from work for vacation or long weekends, although anytime would be fine, and that I don't have any expectations of how she is supposed to be, that I don't want either of us to feel like we have to behave a certain way, or suddenly take on a certain title.
I was a single mom, working full time, for the first 10 of the last 15 years, so my last e-mail the other day suggested that we relate to each other on that level, as just a couple moms comparing notes on getting through the day-to-day.