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I found my daughter on April 10th 06, she'll be 20 on the 28th. My question is this, I have a number and address for her bfather. I haven't made contact with my daughter yet, still not sure how to go about it. Anyhow, back to my question, should I call and let her bfather know that I have found her and intend on making contact with her. I want to put this out there for him, so that I can have an idea how he will respond to her if she wants to meet him too. I have not met with her yet, and have no idea how our first contact will go, but I thought I should be prepared and this way if he seems open or closed to the idea I can throw that out there if she asks. I have not spoken with him in at least 13 yrs, but I thought even though he swore she wasn't his, maybe he's grown up since then. If anyone out there has a similar situation, any advise would be wonderful! Thank you in advance for any ideas and suggestions to those who respond to this. :thankyou:
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Kathy, I find a little help in all the responses I get, each one makes a good point, each coming from different perspectives and from different circumstances. It's basically, like you said, there is no one right way to deal with this type of situation. I suppose it's a learn as you go process :). Yes you did help a little in your post, basically, my thoughts on contacting the birth father were this. I don't want my bdaughter to suffer if he decides he doesn't want to claim her as his own. I know how hard it is to make that first contact, at least if I can give her a heads up as to how I think he might recieve her. Then leave the decision to contact him up to her, I will not offer up the information until she is ready if ever to contact him. At least, if he says that he's not her father as before, I can let her know his feelings in advance, so she'll be prepared for whatever response he might give her. No right way, really, it's all so difficult...I'm just going to trust my instincts and use all the advise that I've recieved, cross my fingers and hope for the best :).
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Katlyn,As I reread the suggestions and replies to your question, I think I would probably call him and sound him out (does he still deny her, etc.). I would be honest and say that I've found her and will give her his info when she asks for it. I would also be open with her about his previous denial. (Bdad did initially question paternity originally in my case, until he discovered I wasn't expecting anything from him! If he saw him today, he'd have no questions. Bson sounds just like him and has many of the same gestures - it's amazing!) By the way, are you making your plans to contact her? Just having the info is an incredible feeling isn't it?Kathy
Katlyn...
I went through the exact same thing you are going through. When the news first broke I was pregnant he gave his little song and dance spill that he didn't know if she was his. I was a nervous wreak that she would ask about him, and she did!!! I gave her all of the info I had about him though so she would atleast know who he was. He was really a sweet good guy, just a scared teenager as I was!!!
I did however contact him after I contacted her and a mutual friend of ours gave him some pictures of her for me. I have not heard a word from him since!!!
I don't know what I will do if she ever wants to really know him, because I REALLY don't know how he will respond to her????
Hang in there and let the chips fall as they may...Hopefully everything will work out fine!!!
Staci :D
I have not posted for a while. I will give you another story that many people only hope happens.
Adoption agency contacts bmom wanting to know if she wants to be contacted by bson. :woohoo:
Bmom calls bdad (my husband). They both contact adoption agency, open file. :wings:
Bson is given all information. He calls both, only reaches bmom first. :clap:
Both parents have grown up. The past is the past. Both parents send off family pictures and wait. :cheer:
We all reunite together. Both birth families. Supporting each other through the rollercoaster ride of reunion. :grouphug:
What a great time we have had. The joy,and sadness of catching up on 25 years apart. :flower:
The truth is....every case is different. That little voice inside is right most of the time. :grr:
My husband and I were thrilled to be included. :thankyou:
Good luck :)
First, let me say thank you to everyone for your responses, I will let you know how it goes. I have gotten in touch with my bdaughters bfather, by email and by accident. I had looked at his profile at classmates, and let them send him a notice that I looked. He responded with a brief hello email and gave me his regular email address, so that's a plus! I have not however told him that I've found his daughter, I'm going to wait until we've sent a few emails back and forth to get caught up :). Then I'll let him know. Yes Kathy, I do intend on contacting my bdaughter, and YES it is an amazing feeling just knowing where she is. I'll keep you all posted on what happens next. :thankyou: :thankyou: :woohoo:
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katlyn
I found my daughter on April 10th 06, she'll be 20 on the 28th. My question is this, I have a number and address for her bfather. I haven't made contact with my daughter yet, still not sure how to go about it. Anyhow, back to my question, should I call and let her bfather know that I have found her and intend on making contact with her. I want to put this out there for him, so that I can have an idea how he will respond to her if she wants to meet him too. I have not met with her yet, and have no idea how our first contact will go, but I thought I should be prepared and this way if he seems open or closed to the idea :thankyou:
I would not tell him until she has the information to search with. If I could do it over in my case I WOULD POST-PONE GIVING HER THE INFORMATION AS LONG AS POSSIBLE. Give her time to bond with you. My daughter asked me in the first letter. I warned her that she might not be well recieved judging by past behavior. It took only two weeks for her to find him. If you have read my other posts you know that he hopped on a plane and met her before I could. She bonded with himfirst. So when she went into information overload I was the one to go- even though his behavior way back when was unconcionable. I don't know if the things he said about me mattered to her or not. Not lies- but he put me in a bad light.- somethings that go on between a man and woman (boy and girl) should stay between that boy and that girl. (even after after thirty-something years.) It is easy to forgive the boy- harder to forgive the man but I'm working on it. I don't know the circumstances of your childs relinquishment but in most cases I'd say keep your contact with this man limited. You are sitll "on your own".
I think that it is the adoptees right to ask for info about the bfather and to look for him when they are ready. my bdaughter's bfather pleaded with me to have an abortion and when I refused he said I was ruining his life! How could a baby could ruin anyone's life??? dah silly boy. If she asks one day I will pass on everything I know about him including photos but it will be up to her if and when she chooses to contact him.
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how does everyone feel when your birthmother does not introduce you as her daughter? This is what i am going thru I met my BM and B sister and B brother about 2 years ago but when we go to her house she tells her neighbors and friends that I and my family are friends. Is she ashamed of me?
marymaid
I think she is being very respectful of your aparents. She is not wanting other to assume she is person you call mother. If you want her to introduce you as her daughter, ask her if she is comfortable doing so. I am sure you can both learn a little bit about each other if you talk about the little things (and the biggies) that have that "ouch" factor in the reunion. It's all part of building the relationship.
As a birthmother, I don't only want to know the things that are good in our relationship. I want to know the things that annoy or hurt too.
Ann
I agree with Kune!
I don't know how I'll introduce my bson to people. I soo soooo sooooo want to say 'this is my son' but I want to make sure he's ok with that first. I mean I won't really want to get into 'this is my son who I relinquished so many years ago blah blah'
Ask her, maybe she just needs your permission to say it!
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Here's my 2 cents - ask her! I know it's a tough question but sometimes you have to put those feelings aside and be totally honest. I am just in a reunion with my bson and haven't asked him either but we are still meeting in public places and neither of us wants to involve the rest of the family yet as we're enjoying each other's company and trying to build a trusting relationship.
One of my fears is that we'll be out for dinner or a walk and run into friends or co-workers and then what? How to explain what me, as a 44 year old happily married woman is doing having dinner with a very good looking 26 year old! The tongues will be flapping! I too am looking forward to introducing him as "my son" but would never do so without speaking to him about it first. Since we're early on it might be too soon for me to approach the subject but if you're comfortable in your relationship, and it sounds like you are, then go for it! :loveyou:
i think too it has alot to do with the era she grew up in because she was sent away to have me (in 1962) and her parents wanted to keep everything hush hush so maybe this has something to do with it. I have introduced her to my friends and family as my BM. I am OK with it. Also her husband is in his 80's and he is backward so that might have something to do with it too. Thanks for understanding. Keep in touch.Mary