Help! Bdaughter wants to begin again with me...I need your advice.

Better question : do any of us really even know what "normal" IS?!!!!!!!! Hahaha! Hugs to you, mamabee!!! Tammi

Tammi, got me smirking as I sometimes wonder if I am normal...if I was still communicating with my son he would probably say I'm not ;) . Pip :wings:

Ahhh....come join me ladies in my padded room! They are giving away pretty white staight jackets...one size fits all.

Oh good we can have a great party together and be as mad as we want to :cheer: , lol, Pip :wings:

HA!HA!HA!HA!HA! You guys ARE crazy! (Mamabee, I'll bring some tunes if you'll handle the finger-food!!!!!)

kakuehl

Jackie,

I don't want to add to the guilt if you can't do it, but LET GO OF THE GUILT! The stress level in your life will be high enough without it.

It sounds to me like you have the wisdom to know yourself pretty well. Since you know that you need time alone to regroup and adjust to your current situation, give yourself the GIFT of time. Those who know and love you will understand. (Or if they don't, will try to because they do love you.)

Send a card or note: I'll bet he'll find that gift enough.

Blessings,

Kathy

Let go of the guilt.. Let go of the caretaking mode when it is probably not needed. I wonder why that post by that male adoptee triggered me.. I wonder how deep this guilt is.. How many layers to the onion.. I had a wonderful day today.. we put up a bird feeder that we got at a garage sale this weekend.. I saw some bird seed at the hardware store and got it and set the whole thing up.. Lots of birds came to the feeder.. I enjoyed watching them.. Then I set up some of my bookshelves and unpacked some books.. I may send him a card.. that is a wonderful suggestion.. I think it is the waiting for him to call back that kills me.. I used to call him when we first reunited and the phone message on his phone was him and the kids my grandbabies saying a message.. I had such a hard time listening to it.. I can not numb myself and do the call.. but as you say I do not need guilt from this.. I can send a card.. Thanks Kathy Jackie PS to the ladies.. I used to hide in a closet.. Or I used to want to hide in a closet.. How about we all hide in my closet.. I can order something.. LOL

Jackie...I am already there...Hi ya! Jackie...what you got to eat???? Nice tunes songbird....and no time for madness Pip...we are all on the same wave...go with the feeling.........

Mamabee, Hey, 'bout time I found your 2nd thread! :p Not sure what more I can advise. I think you are handling the situation very well!!!! I think the 'title' of your thread sums it up....your birthdaughter wants to start again. She wants you in her life and that says it all!! :cheer: Just try to relax and take it s-l-o-w, sometimes we try too hard. I'm sure your daughter is just as anxious and uncertain as you are! ;) Plenty of :grouphug: coming your way!!

Jackie, we can't leave you out :cheer: so I don't care if it's a padded cell or a closet :clap: ...now where is my straight jacket so I pack that as well ;) ,Pip :wings:

Hi. Just had to jump in. My sister could file Mental Health Inquests on all of us and get us sent to Club Med!!! I hear they give group rates!!!If I had any more words of wisdom for you, I'd give them to you, mamabee... But you have to just take it slowly and carefully in the beginning this time! I think you'll do just fine!!!Hugs, Tammi

Mommabee. No reunion runs smoothly all the time, and the first few years of reunion can be very difficult for both parties -- lots of misunderstandings, sometimes anger on the part of the adoptee, often a birthmom just tries too hard and gives too much. We all want our reunited adult child to be a part of our life...he/she generally has been a very real part of our lives throughout all the years of separation, and sometimes we expect overnight bonding. It takes a lot of time to build a relationship. I've been in reunion with my daughter for 20 years and don't feel I have ever bonded as strongly as I had fantasized I would before reunion. I bonded with my grandbabies because they've grown up knowing me as Grandma. But my daughter had a mom for 32 years -- important growing up years-- and though she DOES love me, it isn't as a mom. At least not the Mom I would have liked to be. So put aside the differences you had with your daughter in the past. She isn't like your other children; she wasn't raised by you. Accept her for what she has to give to you and cherish what you get. In time you will build your own history together, but don't expect her to be like your raised children. She isn't! I can't count all the differences Susan and I had during the early years. We separated for several (long) months once, but somehow held on to the invisible cord that binds us. Today the girls are college age and Susan's life is very busy. We don't see one another as much as we did during the earlier years (I don't travel well these days), but we communciate often and my relationship with my granddaughters is quite secure. We DO need to sit and talk about things more often. It's vital to our relationships that we understand one another. Once you accomplish that, you will find yourself relaxing and letting go of the doubt and fear of another separation. By all means, let your daughter back in your life ... don't suffocate her with your love. Be open AND listen to one another. Good Luck on your new beginning. Hugs, Carol Bird

I haven't read all the way thru the posts but one thing really jumped out at me. I think therapy is a wonderful idea! My only question is, does your therapist specialize in adoption? The only reason I say this is because I have gone to a therapist before who wasn't and they really only seem to treat the symptoms and not the core issue. I wish you both luck and love. I have only been in reunion a week with a wonderful birthmother however I have anxiety and I am the one who searched her out?!?!?

Baby Girl, that is a very good question. I am sure you have found out rather quickly that it is very difficult to find a therapists who specializes in the after math of adoption. They are readily available for those seeking adoptions...that is where the money is. I have a wonderful therapists that does not specialize in adoption issues but applies her principles as if someone were too needy, being used, experiencing guilt, feeling unloved/unwanted and grief issues dealing with pull backs. My advice to you would be to go SLOW....read and read..everything you can, especially here....and to always communicate...you would be surprised at how so many misunderstandings happen by not communicating...or being to afraid to ask. Here is a big Hug...{{{{}}}}

Barb, I wish you the best. I must admit that reuniting with my daughter again would scare me something fierce. Communication isn't our strongest suit. Take care, Barb

RE: GOOD THERAPISTS If you are really serious about getting help, I suggest you contact Dr. Marlou Russell at MarlouRussell@HotMail.com Marlou, author of ADOPTION WISDOM, a reunited adoptee with a doctorate in Psychology, has a practice in Santa Monica, CA. Because she lectures and conducts Seminars across the country on Adoption Issues, she has contact with knowledgable therapists specializing in that area. She can probably recommend someone in your area (yes, even "Across the Pond." Marlou's website offers many helpful articles, too. Numerous psychologists have authored articles on Adoption Issues; their articles can be found in the Adoption.com Library and in the Archives of Adoption Week e-magazine at Adoption.com Marlou is only one of many who travel to universities and colleges across the States to lecture and conduct seminars, recruiting psychology students to build a practice highlighting Adoption Issues. Our Cousins in the UK may not think they have such treasures available, but if they contact some of the US psychologists like Marlou (I'll get more info on this to you later) they probably can get a list of some in the UK, who, in turn can refer you to others. It's TRUE there was a dearth of such therapists during the pre 1990s, but they are building an army now, and we can make use of it. I'm a "Seasoned Citizen" and was fortunate enough to be accepted in the Nova/Southeastern University's School of Psychology Senior Citizen's Mental Health Clinic. The therapists are Ph.D. students in Psychology, and in the almost five years I had weekly sessions, I "introduced" quite a number of them to the need to concentrate on Adoption Issues. If there is a University in your area check out the School of Psychology and find out if they have a Clinic. You can help build an army of therapists specializing in our problems, and benefit yourselves. Check out the authors of books on adoption issues, too. I'll dig up more info., and feel free to mention that I "sent you" if you e-mail Marlou. Good luck YES, THERE IS LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL... BUT YOU HAVE TO FIND THE TUNNEL FIRST. Hugs, Carol Bird