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I know I'm doing it. I don't want to. I'm full of contradictions right now and, in all honesty, I feel like I'm losing my mind.
Of course I'm grateful and humbled by the contact. I feel like it's a gift. But I also feel like I'm ready to move forward and my bdaughter isn't. Of course I tell her that everything is at her pace, but then I want to scream "please call me," "please express some emotion," "please give me some kind of HOPE!" It's been 2 1/2 years of emails and letters. I want to hear her voice. I want to touch her hair. I want to see some emotion in her eyes in person. I want to hold her hand. I want her to see that it's not all just words, the feelings are real.
I'm being selfish and I don't like this feeling. I don't want to push her into anything. I'm afraid if I don't pull back I'll be asking her or insinuating that we need to move forward and I don't want to do that, especially if she's not ready.
Then there's that part of me who just wants my life back. I don't want to desperately check my email or the mailbox constantly. I don't want to feel that sink in my stomach when I look at the caller ID and it's not her and it's not going to be her. I don't want her to tell me she's going to college 2 1/2 hours away from me, but I'm still on the outside looking in. Sometimes knowing is so much harder than not knowing. I know when she's close to me and I can't do anything about it. Is this a test?
More than anything, if this is all there will ever be, I don't want to lose her again. I don't want her to think I turned my back on her. I don't want to stop knowing about her. I'm scared.
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Oh Liz....Can I SOOOOO relate to what you are feeling!!!!My bdaughter and I have been in reunion for 3 years, and I just want to see her, hug her, get to know her on an intimate level, but she is not ready for all of that!!! She did let me call her last month, but this is the very first time we actually talked....I felt SOOOO blessed to be able to do that!!!! You are not being selfish girl....It is a hunger in the very depth of us to want MORE!!! We can't control our emotions. I too have resigned my self to the fact that our reunion all depends on her. I must let her make the decisions. It appears best.....Although I would LOVE so much more, more is just not possible. Hang in there and don't give up....One day your dream might come true!!! Staci
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Thank you, it's good to know I'm not alone. I'm trying. Some days are harder than others. It's not fair for me to burden her with my wants/needs, that's the tricky part. It's like we bmoms are never truly in control of anything from day one, but then who really is??? Every letter IS a gift, and that's what I need to concentrate on, you're right, at least I'll always have that. Thank you.