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I'm overwhelmed and I need some support. My husband and I started the whole adoption process in January '06. The day we were approved by the agency, we got a call from them saying that they had an unexpected situation for us to consider: toddler was placed with the agency by bmom, because child was at immediate risk for entering county care. The week before, the bmom chose an adoptive family (not us...we weren't even ready to be presented) and the child had been placed with the family. After one week, the family disrupted the adoption and returned the child to the agency. We were contacted because we fit the requirements that the bmom had and we wanted an open adoption. So, it's a difficult situation: bmom didn't choose us, agency did. We're both accutely aware of bmom and sibblings' grief, and it's taken longer than we thought to feel "entitled" to be the parents to this wonderful child. (Honestly, we read tons of books on adopting a newborn and absolutely nothing on adopting toddlers--it just wasn't something on the radar screen for us!) It's like we are doing everything backwards--we want to be open, but neither of us negotiated the meaning of open before match was made and we actually had child (well, that is, "open" in addition to agency's requests for pictures and letters). There are so many issues that we haven't discussed: what baby will call bmom, how many visits a year and the nature of them, how to integrate our child's older siblings into our lives, how to celebrate holidays, etc. Bmom has done a few things that feel awkward (like asking us for money a few times), but we also think it's because her counseling didn't start until after she placed child so she didn't have a good sense of what she was getting into. It's all so murky, and we desperately want this to work out. Honestly, it's just hard not knowing what the "right" thing is to do to maintain boundaries and be open at the same time. So many of my friends think we're being "too accomodating," but none of them has experienced this before. We are convinced that an open adoption is better for our child and the siblings, but we want to set up something now that we will be able to maintain for life. I will read the boards and posts here, but any advice you have would be appreciated. Just knowing that there are others who have struggled with figuring out what "open" means for them would help. We're both emotionally exhausted and unsure, and it's only the first month!! Please say it gets easier...Thanks.
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You agency should have a mediator to help with the decisions. We just play it by ear with our open adoptions. we dont celebrate all holidays togather but we do meet around that time. You need to remeber that she was at risk of loosing your child to DHS for a reason so I would limit the contact to 3 to 4 times a year. You may want to post this in the foster adopt forum. Even though this was not a foster placement it shares alot of similarities.
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I wish I had advice for you but just want to offer support. We have an open adoption with our new baby born in January and it hasn't been easy for anyone but I do agree that it is best for the baby. We adopted a 2 year old (now 7) and have opened the adoption in the past year or so by letters and calls to her birthmother (our daughter was adopted from the system). Birthmother and I have a wonderful, very easy relationship but it takes time. Have you read "Toddler Adoption -- The Weaver's Craft". I thought it was very good in understanding the needs of an adopted 2 yr old. As for openness, use your instincts as to what is safe and best for all of you. You're in a difficult place when the adoption is not final and you fear she will change her mind. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk further. Just wanted to be supportive. I do know how difficult this must be for you. Josie
Ananda, Sounds like you are overwhelmed:( Take a deep breath and remember that all relationships take time. You do need to have some sort of outline on visits and some idea of how much is to much and what your expectations of birthmom are and what she is looking for in all of this. Once you have established that everything else will come together. Things will change as the years go by, I think like everything else you find what works and stick with it, what doesnt work you try and change. Please remember though that whatever you agree to doing it is a lifelong committment to you, your child, and your childs birthfamily. Being realistic is going to be the key to a succesful open adoption;) Good luck and remember we are here to help any way we can! Hugs*Michelle
First of all, there are no rules to an open adoption. The simple exchange of identifying info makes it open. Letters andpictures usually accomodate an open adoption, as well as an occasional visit (depending on your relationship)
Right now, I would think establishing your family would be the most important thing.
I assume things were not so great for your little one when with his birthfamily (because he was going to be taken away) so I dont think I would feel it all to good to have very frequent visits. I would set up a schedule for the next year. Perhaps 3 or 4 visits.
As for holidays....you do not need to spend these with the birthfamily. If your relationship grows to one where you are comfortable doing so, so be it. But it is certainly not the "norm" to spend holidays with birthfamily. YOUR family should be the priority right now. It would be nice to schedule a visit around that time tho :)
Just remember...an open adoption is NOT about birthfamilies, it is about the child. If you feel things are too muddled, then you need to step back ...not to punish birthfamily, but to keep your child happy safe and secure
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Leigh is right in a sense that it isnt about the birthfamily and the child should always be top priority but as long as she isnt a threat to your family and isnt harmful in anyway then you should uphold in agreements you make, again like I said in my last post things will change (people and situations do everyday) you will find along the way what works best for your family. I wish you luck!!
Your comments are so helpful. Thank you. I think I just want to get it "right," so hearing you simply say "take a breathe and slow down" is helpful. We were thinking 3-4 visits a year, so it was really helpful to hear you echo that. Thanks for giving us permission to concentrate on building our family! I'll keep reading the boards, and I'm sure you'll hear from me again soon!!! Thank you!
We had the bmom and dd's siblings come to our house yesterday for first visit. SUCH a weird experience, only because while the visit was good (sibs and dd had a great time!!), they showed up 5 hours late (first bmom said she'd be here at 2pm, then at 2pm called and said they'd be here at 5pm, then they showed up at 8pm). We were just confused. We had to keep dd up several hours past her bedtime in order to get in decent visit. Then bmom asked to spend the night (something we expressly told her was not an option this visit), because she was unable to drive the several hours back to their home so late at night. We ended up putting them in a hotel for the night. Then she asked for gas money to drive home. We asked if it was going to be impossible to get home without it--she said she could get home, so we didn't give her gas money. Before she left, she asked if they could come back today. We said no, that we would plan another visit for another time. As I'm writing this, I'm so aware of the lack of boundaries, and the conversations that are needed around money and visits. Not sure if it's best to do this by email or on the phone. It seems that we have different expectations of what 'open' means, I think. I hate being in the position to be saying "no" more than "yes."I'm trying to put myself in her shoes. I imagine that yesterday's visit could have been extremely difficult for her, and she could have been really ambivalent about visiting, hence taking so long to get here. I also think once she got here, she didn't want to leave dd, which is also understandable. Maybe she thinks that we should be giving her money or host them here since she can see that we have more money than she does. Maybe she thinks that since she "gave us" her baby that we "owe" her. I can understand all this, but clearly we have to get all of our expectations out on the table so we can figure out what will have us both feeling like most of our needs are met. It was helpful to just write this down. Thanks for listening.
Anada, WOW... sounds to me like she wanted some control over yesterdays visit. I agree that boundaries are going to have to be set and honestly there is no time like the present!! I do better with email, but do it however makes you feel most comfortable (writing it down seems to make it easier since you can edit;)) No one "owes" anyone anything, PLease make sure for your sake and your childs sake you get those boundaries and expectations set now.Good luck to you and remember we are all here for ya!!:grouphug:Michelle
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Hi, read your note about the open adoption. First
let me tell I am a birth mom reunited with a daughter, I had an open adoption and it worked out well.
For me I sent the info that the family would need and got info about them so I would know what kind of familyshe was placed with.
Over a period of time from the time she was 2 (was when they adopted) they sent me pictures and letters and stayed in contact withg the family(birth)
when she graduated from high school I was able to go and to meet her and reunite.
When she was in her preteen years they would call once a month and let me talk with her.
there was one period of time that I lost complete contact in her teen years not their fault mine because I had lost their address.
In all with what you wrote I think that you need to set some boundaries with the birth mom and have her set some for herself and her child..
I hope that this will help. Remmeber that bfamilies never forget and she will grieve for a long time to come maybe even her whole life.....
you can email me at keislingrita@hotmail.com
and I will try to help.
good luck.
chim