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I started our "official" update letter to the boys' birthmom last night. It's the first time I've had a hard time writing one. We are in regular e-mail contact with her and her family - so it's not that we don't have a relationship. But it is only snail and e-mail. The last time I sent her pictures online (about 50, Easter, Spring, and just general) I mentioned that the boys had been ....um.... asked to leave Sunday School - and why, and what I thought of it and why, and what our decision was, and why. I'm wondering if it was too much detail ??? It's not a big deal really, there are 2 Sunday School classes for 3 - 5 year olds (with some 6 year olds included) they got stuck in the class with mostly older 4's and 5's. They had JUST turned 3 and not been in any type of daycare - the first day the teacher told me they were disruptive, too young for the class, and needed to be separated because Sunday School was a place for them to learn to sit quietly in church with their family. (so, yes, aparently, we will have to sit separately :grr: )..... It's all good, Pastor loves them, their pre-school teachers do (who also go to our church) and haven't had any problems - not saying the boys are perfect angels, but I think at least HALF the problem in this case lies with the teacher. And, that it is ALOT to ask that 3 year old boys stay churchmouse quiet for 2 hours (church and sunday school).
The boys are incredibly smart. They are also personable and cute, and as a result get a lot of attention. AND they are very, very active. This is impacting some decisions we will have to make in the next year or so, and, some day to day stuff as well. Especially the very active part.
Did I share too much, should I tone it back? Do they just figure that we are busy with 2 - nearly 4 year old boys? Or, that I"m not a good parent? My decision to pull them out was based on good choices (IMHO) they have a best friend in the other class, so who do I send there? AND - I don't want them labelled as trouble makers at age 3....
so - Adoptive Moms - do you share stuff like this?
and Birth Moms - do you want to hear about stuff like this?
I realize that you aren't *Y* and her family - but I would love a little input please :grouphug:
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I, personally, love the good and bad. J&D didn't tell me when the Munchkin was very young that she had RSV. When I found out this year, I wasn't angry with them... I felt GUILTY that I didn't know my child was seriously ill and therefore didn't send a card, pray or anything. I like the good and the bad. :)
Tell her absolutely everything - good, bad and indifferent. If I were in her shoes, I would want to know absolutely every last minute detail about my children. So, please do continue to keep in contact with your sons' bmom. Do tell her everything and SHARE with her. Don't cut her out - it will be hard enough for her not having her boys in her life and knowing that you are the one they call Mommy. I think it is really great that you are thoughtful, respectful and considerate enough about this woman to post here and ask for advice. If I were in that other woman's shoes, I would be so glad that my sons had such a kind and caring amom. So... Yes! do tell everything and never stop doing it please!
Thank you for posting this and all the replies. I have a hard time writing to Bmom as well. I often worry that she'll be even more hurt realizing what she's missing out on - or realizing that it's because of what he went through with her that made him act a certain way.I don't want to hurt her. And I don't want her to think I'm rubbing things in her face. It's a little different I suppose since she had him until he was 3, and then had contact with him up until last year. We had a good bye visit and it broke my heart (for her) that he wouldn't hold her hand and called her by her first name (rather than Mommy ____)like we'd been calling her when she was with us, and he really wouldn't even talk to her until I sort of had to coach him through it (he asked for the visit). I know she noticed it - I could see her react each time something like that was done.Anyway - thank you for giving me the Bparent point of view. I wrote her a letter about 2 months ago, her Gma said she got it, so I figured I should write another since the school year is coming to an end and he just lost his front tooth.... I just don't want her to get upset :(
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Yeah I've worried about that as well. I've shared A LOT of EVERYTHING good,bad and ugly. I figure if they want to "know" her then they should know about all of her.
I've also wondered before if I've shared to much. Or sounded ungrateful or like a bad parent or whatever. But I'd rather tell them the truth than pretend like we are this perfect little family where everything is just soooo wonderful all the time. The truth is we are a normal family, with normal kids. We have our good times and our bad.
I do feel that maybe her bmom might take some things personally or feel guilty that her bdaughter has been through so much. Just recently I shared some stuff with her and her response was that it was to be expected with all the confusion and stuff she went through during her short little life. I wasn't sure if she felt I was trying to blame her(cause I wasn't) or wether she just felt that herself. But we didn't get to talk about it cause just a moment later her sister (she had been waiting for) showed up and they were about to leave. I wish I had a chance to say....no...don't think that way...it's not your fault and she can't use that as an excuse. In my opinion a child needs to triumph over their past and problems and not....use it as an excuse for failing or a reason to hold them back.
So i'm not sure about how much info is right to share. I duess you just have to follow your heart and make sure it comes out right.
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I'm from the closed adoption era, but my daughter found me in 2003. She pulled back from me after just two months into the reunion. Her adad has stayed in touch with my parents and he was keeping them updated on how my daughter was doing. The Good and the Bad. So each time I talked to my parents, I would hope that they would have some new info on my daughter.
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I've also wondered before if I've shared to much. Or sounded ungrateful or like a bad parent or whatever. But I'd rather tell them the truth than pretend like we are this perfect little family where everything is just soooo wonderful all the time. The truth is we are a normal family, with normal kids. We have our good times and our bad
Yes. This is pretty much it. The first few years there are so many positive milestones, this year, well, they act like very normal nearly 4 year old boys - and active 4 year old boys give their moms LOTS to of stories to tell...but they aren't always charming. What I decided to start with is something along these lines.
"The boys are growing so fast and becoming very independent. And, I'm learning why people have always said to me "just wait until they are 4"! They help me make their beds, dress themselves, put their dishes in the sink and use please and thank you all the time, they've learned alot in school and play well with others. But that's rather boring reading. This year most of their stories are of them NOT on their best behavior - some of them have made me "crazy", but I've often had to bit my lip to keep from laughing.
thanks to all for your input!
as a birthmom i like to hear the stories of my daughter she sometimes has "meltdowns" as her mom puts it and i think they're comical. although she (her mom) probably doesn't. i bet that their birthmom can see a little bit of herself in the boys and laughs about it. i'm sure all bmoms have had nieces or nephews to babysit i have 10 of them and know all how unpredictable their behavior can and will be. have fun with the boys they seem like they are a handful. we also don't mind hearing how smart, well behaved, etc. some of the good/bad behaviors are genetic.
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This is a great thread, thank you for starting it!!!
I was wondering the same thing, how much to share with my ds bmom.
My ds will be entering early intervention because he is not talking yet,and his bmom has a tendency to worry a lot about small things.
Part of me wants her to not worry with the speech thing but another part of me wants to share this all with her. After reading this thread, I'm going to send her an email and let her know about the early intervention.
((baby1995)) Thank you for sharing this....
It's good to know that bmoms want to hear it all, the bad, the good and the ugly! Thanks for easing my mind. :wings:
"as a birthmom i like to hear the stories of my daughter she sometimes has "meltdowns" as her mom puts it and i think they're comical"
The good, the bad, and the downright ugly. I personally get sick of hearing how perfect she and her family are. That may sound terrible, but after hearing how everything is so perfect and realizing I'm NOT perfect and never will be, I felt completely unworthy, very much out of place. Obviously I know deep down they can't possibly be that perfect because no one is, I just wish they would show it, acknowledge it, tell me about it. I think it's their way of keeping things upbeat so I would never worry, but I'd rather know more about them as real people.