So confused...about openess

Maybe she's getting pressure from her family. You never know what family dynamics can do. I know some people who are just sweet as pie, yet are totally different around their kids. Maybe grandma blames her for the decrease in contact and gets mad when you talk. I know a number of sweet acting grandma's that treated their children like dirt. I would not jump to conclusions. It seems to me she would be trying to be even sweeter, to get back in your good graces now that she is closer.

I'm feeling a little better today. I've re-read some of our last e-mails since she's moved here and I'm realizing that she probably is just busy and trying to get her life started here. Not that she is purposfully avoiding me. I'm also trying to take into consideration the difficult stuff going on not only with the move and surely the differnt emotions that that has brought. But also mothers day and this weekend was supposed to be the weekend we had planned for her to orginally come down for a visit to see my daughters ballet performance. I think that's why I'm feeling so lost. I'm feeling very volnurable. I really want them to be there yet know it is not the best thing for all of us. I even asked my husband if he was willing to think about having them come and he said "no". Which I do agree with it's just hard to convince my heart of that. I want to try again but I just know it won't work out in the end and only cause us all more pain. i also agree that if she really wanted to just put on a show to get me to invite them to the performance or to more visits....she probably wouldn't have slowed things down so much she probably would have continued to be nicer than ever. So maybe her words were hers....or maybe she is struggling to make that her new way of thinking. Her mother is very supportive of her having a relationship infact she is the one I've had the most contact with in the past because bmom had moved out of state. However that really is the only person she has on her side in maintaining contact. I really have no one on my side except these forums. Only problem is that I don't feel free to talk to bgrandma "personally" because I know bmom uses her e-mail account so basically what ever I write to her.....i know bmom will see. The grandma says she want's me to be her friend and share my feelings and what i tell her will be confidential I just don't see how that is possible...when bmom knows her password and gets onto her e-mail everytime she gets on the internet. So really I don't feel like I can talk to her.Now that bmom is living in her mothers home I can't even mail her without wondering if bmom will also read it or open it before grandma does. Not that I really want to keep stuff away from bmom....It's just that the grandma is really the best source to really tell me honestly how the bmom is doing and what is going on. I am concerned because grandma herself said she really didn't feel bmom was strong enough to come back and stay away from those friends she was hanging out with and doing drugs. Now I hear that she is hanging out with her friends and stuff and I can't help but wonder if those friends are her drug using friends and how she could possibly be friends with them and not get back into drugs like she was. I am hoping and praying for the best but I am also very worried about her.

i need to ask how you closed the adoption to no visits as we really need to do this but have no idea how to go about it... things have been awful with our bmother lately lots of untruths and abusive text msgs from her out of nowhere as whatever she asked we gave her,,, extra unplanned visits etc with people that we hadnt agreed to in the beginning... we feel very hurt and angry every time my phone beeps i think oh no not again.... we have told her our issues with what has been going on even asked for mediation with our adoption social worker,,,, sorted things out that day told us what she wanted and that she was happy only to get another msg saying she didnt agree to it and that shes not happy again.... we need some space as we feel so set upon any help wpuld be great...thanks

Well basically I wrote them a letter. I wanted to explain every reason why I felt I had to close it, but realized that would just cause more pain, besides they knew what the issues had been along the way, because I had shared with them my feelings along the way. Instead i wrote them a letter about a page long just exlpaining that i couldn't do it anymore. Telling them I didn't blame them or myself because I knew we all did the best we could but under the circumstances None of us could provide the postive relationship our daughter needed because we each had our own feelings to deal with before we could be there to support her or each other like we should in a relationship like this. I told them i would answer any questions they had within the next month and then the next time they would hear from me would be each year around her birthday when i sent them a package with updates and pictures and maybe some home video. Remarkably they said they understood why i had to do this and didn't really give me much resistance or guilt or anything. Just expressed that while this would be very painful for them they knew why I felt the way I did. But, after that month was over i just couldn't leave it alone. I felt very strongly that I needed to at least offer them my friendship , i knew we weren't at the point we needed to be to involve my daughter in it but I wanted to leave the door open so maybe we could improve things. Well, it turned out they were very frinedly and kind with my invitation and for once the birthmom was really coming out of her shell. We were able to talk about a lot of what we each were feeling and validate each others feelings. It was truly amazing(yet scary at the same time...wondering if she was just saying stuff....to get me to offer contact again but not really meaning it). Then she moved back and we stopped talking as much(which was alos confusing for me)...mainly because her life became busier and she had less access to the computer, plus we were both going through a hard time with mothers day and stuff. Well, then came time for my daughters ballet recital....which they previously were going to attend and then we said no more direct contact. But the closer it got the more I kept feeling strongly that they just had to be there. I couldn't live with myself if I kept them away from that special time in her life. I still am not commited to frequent contact or anything....I don't really have any plans for future visits at this point. I'll just take advantage of those promptings as I feel able to offer them. So i may not be the best example of closing contact...lol because I just can't seem to close that door and keep it closed. Mainly because I do want it to work so badly. i do really love them and want them in our life. It's just hard to deal with all the emotions that come with it. But now that we are both willing to talk about it some we might actually have a chance this time around. Plus my husband and I were finally able to have an open talk about stuff and come to the decision together of how much involvement we feel comfortbale and what WE need to do to help keep it positive and beneficial for all of us. What i would do is first tell them you are taking a break. Lay out your reasons(not in big detial...they can ask if they really want to know) then tell them what your plans are..(like how long the break will be...what that means....no visits, no calls, letters? pictures? etc). Then offer to answer any questions they might have within a certina period of time...doesn't have to be a monthy could be a week or whatever....just so they know your willing to talk and listen....and you do care about their feelings. Thenfollow through with what you said(the hardest part for me0. When that break is over then you can talk again and discuss more about the future. I would be very careful not to do as I did. I mean when i wrote them I WAS confident that we would NEVER have direct contact again....until my daughter was grown. But the truth is....feelings change...as time goes by or people communicate better your feelings may change and it is much easier to recover from a "break" than "closing that door for the future". I mean I feel like the worst person in the world when it comes to consistancy...or "following through". Thankfully, they forgive me for my TEMPORARY INSANITY. They could care less how stupid i may feel for saying "NO" and then a few months later saying "ok". All they care is that they got to see her, they can still be a part of her life weven for just one more time. They know i can't make promises for the future and that we just have to take things one step at a time.

thanks so much for that advice about closing the door completely,, we dont want to have to do this as its not a nice feeling, but feel we have done everything we can its up to her now to keep to the contact agreement, i most of all dont want our DD to come to us in the years to come and tell us its our fault that bmother went away very hard decision but thanks for your openess its great to speak to someone who knows what its like..