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so....I have a question... IF....we decide to open up direct contact again....HOW do we set boundaries and more importantly how do we enforce them(not only with birth family but also ourselves). Is there really even a need for rules or boundaries? Or should those certian things that come up be talked about on an individual basis.
I have once again talked with my husband about opening up contact again....about inviting my daughters birthfamily to come to her ballet recital. We didn't have that much time to talk about it before he had to leave but it sounds like he might be willing to agree. He started to say "well, if you really want them to come than ok" but then I said....but if I do invite them and do get this started again than I really need your support the whole way through. Then he said "as long as it doesn't interfere with our life as it has before". Then I asked him to just think about it some more while he is gone and then we can talk about it tonight.
We're kinda having to make a rush decision because her performance is tomorrow.
What is your opinion? Should I jump back into this thing....what if we fail again? How can I keep doing that to them and vice versa? I want to keep working at this. I'm just afraid it won't work. Why does this have to be so hard?
If I can truly talk to my husband tonight and get him to "see the light" and help him realize that for this to work I need his support 100% without all those negative comments that discourage me and make me feel like i have to choose him over them, than maybe we will have a real chance at this?
But what if i invite them and then end up regreting it? I mean I certianly have my bad days to.....just had one a couple days ago where I wondered if I was doing the right thing by even talking to them through IM. But over all....I do want to talk to them....I want this to be a long term thing. I'm just scared.
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Boundaries are good but you also have to remember that NEW things crop up now and again that will need to be discussed along the way; things you didn't think of, things that change. What needs to be considered here is whether or not YOU are willing to make a decision to open it. If you're going to open it, change your mind, and shut it again... the heartbreak for the firstmom will not only be overwhelming but the eventual explanation to your child could get sticky and confusing. Weigh your pros and cons. Think up the things that ARE important to you to talk over, set boundaries, etc. Think of the things that could be an issue but might not. Think of things to ask HER that are important to HER that you could come to an agreement or compromise on. I would encourage you NOT to approach her with this until you've made the decision TO open it (not while you're waivering, deciding) and THEN involve her in helping to form the boundaries. Everyone needs some boundaries. :)
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Well my husband and I did have a very good open conversation and have both agreed to give it another try but with certian conditions set up(for ourselves) so we can keep it positive and part of our life but not consume our life.
I just got off the phone with my daughters grandma and we had a wondeul conversation. We both cried (mostly her though) and I shared how scared I was of proceeding foreward because I didn't want to fail again and hurt anyone. But how it just doesn't feel right not having her be a special part of our life and how I couldn't picture going to my daughters performance with out having her there as well. She was so happy, she understood my concerns and why this is scary but was so grateful her prayers had been answered and we(both my husband and I ) were both willing to keep trying.
I feel so much better. My heart is FULL!!! More than anything I am so proud of my husband. I'm so greatful for him recognizing some of his own fears and talking to me openly (rather than commandingly) about things that he feels needs to be changed on my part as well to help this to work. I finally feel like we actually have a chance at this.
We had a wonderful time. My daughter was awesome at her performance!!!
We had asked her birthfamily to sit in the middle or back so my daughter wouldn't see them until after the performance (she is very shy...and usually her behaviour changes/regresses as soon as she is around them....when her bmom came to see her practice her ballet one time she did nothing but stand there kinda in shock not knowing what to think or feel the whole class.)
So after it was all over we met them in the front foyer. My daughter was pretty confused at first. She kept hiding behind my husband or hugging me and refusing to even look at them. After a while she finally started to come around and then she wouldn't leave them alone. We ended up going out to dinner afterwards and hanging out for a while and what started out pretty awkward ended very pleasant and I think we all had a lot of fun.
It was so wonderful to share that special time in our daughters life with them.
Now ...comes the hard part.....KEEPING IT UP!!!
Keeping all of our feelings and emotions in check so we can provide that positive relationship with them. I know we are in for hard times ahead of us....but I hope and pray we can all keep working at it.