advice wanted on open adoption

Have you spoken with the social worker yourself? I still have a close relationship with our agency director (my daughters are 5 now) and go to her whenever I have questions about adoption in general and our situation in particular. I'm make a huge jump to conclusion here, but it sounds as though your daughter's birthmom may be very young? Did she have counseling before or after placement? Our girls' birthmom had a great deal of counseling dealing with the potential grief issues she would encounter, and honestly...she's about the most grounded person I've ever known. She expresses to us that she's at peace with her decision to place the twins and, although it was the most difficult choice she ever made, she knows it was the right thing for the children (she has an older daughter she is parenting). I'm sorry you're struggling with this, and would encourage you to seek out advice from the social worker. He/she may be the best source for you, as birthmom is in contact with him/her. Best of luck!

thanks she is not too young in age but quite young in manner,,, yes we are still in contact with our social worker and she has spoken to us and bmother quite often, thankfully she has now told us that what bmother has been doing is unacceptable and that we have to be really firm with her from now on and if anything happens again that we will have to discontinue contact until she has settled,,as its not in the best interest off EE to be around that sort of atmosphere, she didnt have counselling as she asks for it then says she doesnt need it so wont return their calls,, even with all this unhappiness she has told us and social worker that she is still happy with her decision and that she is happy with us being EEs parents as she feels we are the best parents for her,,,, we have been so understanding as even when all this started happening we put it down to her grief process but we can only take so much , she says that everything is fine and that she is happy with the contact agreement then we get a nasty text the next day saying that she doesnt agree with it and its all on our terms,,very cofusing as we constanly asking what she wants, she even got annoyed at previous visits when it was time for EEs sleep,,, she expected us to keep her up even though we had told Bmother EEs sleep time and bmother was an hour and a half late for visit with no phonecall.....EE is the most important person in all of this and her needs will always be met first, we were so close to our bmother before our baby was born, we were at the birth, my husband cut the cord and i was the first one to hold her and feed her,,( this is almost unheard of here in NZ ) so we think of ourselves as very blessed to have had such a great relationship with her which is why it is hurting us so much now that we have to put our foot down with her,,, we dont want to hurt anyone but what else can we do we have been nothing but patient and understanding with her but once you get yelled shutup at i really dont think its healthy relationship anymore

Boundaries are essential in open adoptions...even when both parties are acting properly to each other. In your case it's even MORE important. You are going to feel like the bad guy...she'll probably tell you that you are.....but it's really important to stop this now, so that you can have a good relationship when EE is old enough to understand. Good Luck

thankyou so much this forum is amazing the support is wonderful, people who know what you are going through,, what a relief,,, thanks

i agree. boundaries are key. we were VERY close to our friend (and birthmother) and ultimately decided that we were TOO CLOSE to proceed with the adoption. we worried about going through exactly the sort of thing you're going through now, and i must tell you that i'm sitting here feeling like an idiot because i rather think the baby was and is worth the headaches! but that is neither here nor there now. what i did want to say is that when you are talking with her and she has an "episode"... and then you all have to take a break for a while... just remind her that she chose you guys because you had a stable family, you're stability lovers, and that's what she felt was best for her child. so in order to maintain your stability you're going to have to set boundaries. if you all had been strangers, this may have been naturally accepted by her, but sense you were closer than usual, she is probably going to take natural and sensible boundaries as though they are a PERSONAL AFFRONT. that's the trouble with the close relationship. but it's worth it of course. just be firm and remind her that SHE CHOSE YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE A STABLE LIFE and she trusted you enough to believe that you would continue to have a stable life. remind her that you know she is grieving but that you are going to honor her choice by giving her what she wanted from you: a stable family life for her child. tell her you will NOT let the understandable emotions get in the way of your pledge to her. stability is THE REASON she entrusted her child to you. honor that and you honor her. truly.

What a diffiuclt situation. I do hear a lot of mixed feelings on her part. There are stong conflicting emotions in adoption. That can and do change very frequently even within the same day. Just trust that this is her dealing wiht her fealings and have nothing to do with you. You have gone above and beyond what you even agreed to. There certinaly have to be boundaries set and YOU will be the one to set them and make sure they are followed not only by her but yourself. If you say no...then be consistant(hardest thing for me...because I too am a softy like you...and want to give more to help out in any way I can). But the more I learned from my own experience is that....by giving so much I was actually making the problem worse. It would have been better if i just set up boundaries and stuck to them. Instead our relationship often burned very hot and cold. It's better to be stable and consistant and just stick to the boundaries...BELIEVE ME!!! She won't like it, because of course she wants more...and she probably always will....but she will see that you by doing so you do care for her....you do keep your word and can be trusted. It will also give her more time to work through her feelings in between times. YOU are your childs mother. This is NOT co-parenting. She needs to know what the boundaries are and when she comes close to stepping over them she needs to be told gently to step back. If you have tried to set boundaries and work through this and it is just not working (with current feelings and outbursts) than a break is probably necessary. In doing so you will give each other the space to work through your feelings and provide a more healthy relationship. She has to know that while you sympathize with how difficult this is for her your daughter comes first....and if she can't provide a healthy relationship than there can not be direct contact.....until she is able to(regardless of what your original agreement was). Your daughter comes first and from what you've said....that can't be healthy for your EE.