semi- open / Open adoption

Well, with Bug's mother we don't have any sort of agreement and have not seen her since he was 3 months old. Although I do have contact with her sister. Do I think about her? All the time. I also (I know this is sad) check the county jail roster for her name. It pops up every so often and I know that she is at least not living on the streets for those nights and is not feeder her drug habit. I also know that she is alive.With Bear's mom, she is in a treatment lockdown. She was only 13 when we met and she made the biggest decision of her life to give him up for adoption. We have a semi open agreement, but she has walked away at this stage of things. The fact that she is in the lockdown also gives me a sense of relief because she too is safe, alive, and not using. Bear's grandmother wants a VERY open agreement and I simply am not comfortable with that at this point. Things may change, but for now it is what it is. I don't think I will ever NOT worry about them. Although I do not see them as a close friend or sister, they are dear to my heart because my boys are from them.

Our baby has not been born yet, and I am not totally sure what our arrangement will be after the birth. Pbm says she would just like to see the child sometime in his life, but this may change. Right now, we are pretty open. I attend doc appointments with her, I went to the ultrasound, and she has invited DH and I to be in the delivery room.I would be comfortable with sending pics once a year, but I don't think we would feel okay about regular visits.

With my oldest sons birthmom: I have sent her a letter introducing ourselves adn asking her if she would lick contact that was a year ago this mothers day. I haven't received anything back but I do know she received the letter and was unable to read it all at the time. I do think of her often and wish i could at least have a picture of her for my son. But even that isn't enough. I would like to be her friend and keep her updated through out the years. I'd also at some point like to meet her and have my son meet her...preferably before he is grown. With my oldest daughter: We have had lots of contact and it has been a very difficult relationship but also very positive. I feel so blessed to know that my daughters bfamily cares about her enough to stay in her life even when it can be very hard on them. I do picture them as more than just a friend but as extended family. I feel so blessed to have this relationship with them adn i do think of them EVERY single day. With my youngest daughter: All I have is a little background information on her birthfamily and her birthmom's name and picture. I wish I could offer them continued contact but I just don't know how to contact them. Since i do know what she looks like from that one picture when i come across people who look a lot like her I usually ask them if they are (_____) and they always say no =0(. I do think of her often and wish I could talk to her and be her friend. With my youngest son(who we are still waiting to adopt): I have known his birthmom for a year and a half now as I have visited with them every week at DHS. She is heavily into drugs and while i do think of her often and pray for her I do not wish to have direct contact with her right now. She has my P.O. Box and I hope someday she will choose to write him. Right now she is appealing the judges decision to terminate her rigths even though she has done nothing on her case plan. I feel a special connection to her because she is my son's birthmom but really that is as far as it goes at this point. I really worry what her future has in store and wether she will even be around when my son is old enough to have a reunion. All in all.....I do desire to have a close friendship with each of my kids birthfamilies. I want to share with them my childrens lives (but sort of from a distance...I'm a little afraid to get to close) I'm also interested in their lives how they are doing, how they feel, i want to know what their family tree looks like and the stories behind each of their family members. I want them to be a forever extension of our family. We'll just have to wait and see what the future has in store for us.

I think I posted this on a similar thread in another forum. HOpe I'm not going to contradict myself.... We began our journey leery of open relationships, due to lack of education about open adoption and many unwarranted fears. We ended up requesting a semi-open, with fully open being an option, depending on the situation, and if we felt comfortable w/ the e-parent(s) and vice versa. We ended up w/ a semi-open relationship based on our son's bmom's request. And surprisingly were very disappointed that we never have gotten to meet her. I send letters/photos (actually, really need to write one this week) to the agency every couple of months. She gets them, but doesn't respond, although has told the CW who tells us she's very happy to get them. I am going to ask my first personal questions in this next one, and am worried about "scaring her off". We'd like to know if her other children have any allergies/medical history we might need to be aware of. There are so many things I'd love to ask her. But I don't want her to think we're intruding in her life or being demanding by asking some things. I have a friend who has a nice open relationship, and it makes me wish many times that ours were a little more open. But it is what it is for now, and that seems to work for her. I wish we'd been able to meet her once, though. And I'd love it if she could write a letter to our son someday. I keep her letters really upbeat and try to give her a very good idea of what his daily life is like and what his usual activities are and how happy we all are. I hope I"m doing the right thing. I just wish I had some sort of confirmation from her so I'd know. She didn't really have any expectations in the beginning, and we don't have a set arrangement.

we have a very open adoption we see E about 2ce a month and talk to eachother more often than that. Right now it is for E's benefit as she is working through some things, but soon it will be more about dd. We love our relationship. Things can always get better but we are in a good place

Adoptive moms, What kind of relationship do you have with your childs birth mom? are you happy with the relationship? if not what would you like to change? How often Do you find yourself thingkng about her? Do you ever find the need to want to know more about her? and want to talk to her? Do you see the 2 of you as friends, sisters, etc?

We have a simi open relationship with our dd's birthmother. We send updates and pictures at least monthly and visit once a year for dd's birthday, she just turned two. At this point I am happy with the relationship becasue "E" is not at really good point in her life and I don't want to be involved with the life she is leading right now too much. "E" does not show a lot of interest in our dd so our visits and updates are more for the extended family I think. I think about "E" every second of everyday, she gave us the greatest gift and made such a huge sacrifice but I had so hoped she would use this to better her own life as well. I worry for her safety when she is at work during the day and when she is at home, where ever that may be at the moment. Because we met her three months before our dd was born we got to know her very well, we spent quite a bit of time together. I do wish I could understand what makes her want or need to lead the life she is leading because before the baby she was a very stright laced girl with her head on stright and really going places with her life. I think of her as another child of mine in some ways. I think the way I feel for her and worry about her is how I would feel if one of my own children left home and was not leading the best life.

I feel very blessed to have AMAZING one of a kind friendships / connections with all three of my daughters' first moms. They are wonderful women, who i consider my treasured friends. I love updateing them and just "sharing life" in general with them. I update them via snail mail, email, tons of pictures, and a video (2 x the first year) 1 time a year after that we also talk on the phone for our daughters' birthdays. We got to meet and spend quality time with all three of our daughter's first mothers - and took lots of pictures. We are "real" with eachother and honest, I really feel that I know each of them as people. when do i think of them? without hesitation I can say every day!!!! I wouldn't change a thing about our relationships.

I have two open adoptions. :) I am happy with the relationships. :cheer: I think about them almost every day. :rolleyes: Yes I found the need to know them better. I opened up both of my children's adoptions. One was semi-open, the other closed. We also email each other frequently. :wings: I see us as friends. :flower:

Originally we thought we only wanted semi open. We understood, at some superficial level, that it would be good for the child in the long run. What we didn't understand was how we would come to feel very quickly about H's bmother and her family. We only met them the day before H was born, but they let us into the delivery room, encouraged us to bond, and so clearly had H's best interests at heart that we very quickly felt a bond with them. I don't think we COULD have gone through that birth experience with them and cut them off from contact afterward. The relationship is very good, though I would like slightly less contact than they would---I just don't want to schedule a 2 hour visit every 2nd or 3rd weekend. I am trying to be patient and let that taper off of its own accord. We think of her often, but in part because of the special conditions, I think of her more in a maternal, or MUCH older sister way than as a friend.

We have almost no contact with our son's BMom. That was agreed upon when we first met, and a condition of our adoption. We get an e-mail from her maybe once a year, usually just a fwd. I e-mail back if it is a personal note, but haven't had one of those since DS was a year old. He's 3 now. I think of her sometimes (definately on Mother's Day and on our son's birthday), but she is not a part of our lives. My DH & I pray for her when she comes to mind...and hope very much that she is doing well, but we wouldn't want to have more contact, at least not for now. Our morals, values and beliefs are very different. We would like to hear that she is doing well from 3rd parties, though. We have family in common. One day I hope our son can meet his sibings, he has a brother that she is parenting, and a sister that she adopted out to another couple. We have pictures and personal info about her, and our son's BF and brother that he can have when he is older. We are pleased with the arrangement, and would not have gone with an open adoption. She didn't want one, either, so it has worked out well.

Both our adoption are considered open but I definitely wish that the relnships were more open than what they are. We had hoped for and agreed to at least monthly letters (for the first year, then four letters a year) and at least four visits a year. We have seen DD's first family three times in a little over two years. I wish it were more. But this is what it is by their choice. I still send updates four times a year plus notes/cards/pics/gifts for special occasions like bdays/Christmas/Mother's Day. We only have contact with First Mom through her parents, by her choosing. Since our DS is only a week old, the relnship is still evolving. We hope to have a very open relnship with his First Mom but we just don't know yet. The decision is in her hands. We are committed to the same level of openness as we are with DD's First Family. I guess you could say that I am not happy with the way things are but have no way to change things. If I could, I wish for regular contact and to know what is going on in their lives as much as they know about ours. I wish they would be willing to be as committed to the open relnship that they entered into as we are. I think about the First families of both my kids each day, sevl times a day. Their pics are hanging on our fridge and in our children's rooms. We are teaching our kids to pray for them every night. We talk about them as we tell the story about how our kids came to be our kids. Every day... Yes, I want to know more about them, to talk to them. I want their hopes and dreams to come true. I want them to find peace and joy and love in their lives. I want to know more about their stories, where they came from , what they hope for in their future. I wish we could be friends, even sisters... maybe someday...

((Blessedbybug)) Congratulations on the adoption of your son! :wings: ((hugs))