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I have posted on this site a few times, mostly trying to help other people search. I have never really shared my story, but after reading so many of other people's story, I decided to post mine. I really need advice and have struggled over this for a long and figure I can get the best advice right here.
My mother placed a child for adoption in the early 80s. Just a week shy of my 1st birthday and my older brother was almost 4. She had just divorced or was going through a divorce at this time(with my brother's bio dad but not mine, I would assume this the reason for the divorce). She was a single mom to two children already. She never told me or my brother until I was about 9 or 10. My mother's family is the greatest people you will meet, as long as they aren't mad at you, then they will do what they can to hurt you in any way. Well, she had an arguement with a sister of hers. Her sister had a child around same age as my brother, who at the time was 13-14. She told her son about the daughter my mother placed for adoption and he went to school and told my brother. I don't remember alot about finding out, only that she said she did and explained that at the time she was doing the best she could and gave her to people that could give her the life that she couldn't provide her. I remember that my brother talked to me about it and we promised each other that when we turned 18, we would find her. Neither of us understood anything about adoption at the time and didn't realize we had to wait for her to turn 18.
Well, as life continued, my brother and I never spoke of this again. I remember different times throughout my late teen years and even sometimes still yet my mom would make mention about my sister, but we never really talked about her. My mom and I have never been REAL open with each other. As my brother and I grew up, we grew apart(that's a whole other story). I don't know if he still feels the way he did back then or how he feels at all. He lives next door to my mom, so I do see him, however I don't talk to him unless spoken to first.
I have ALWAYS wanted a sister. More than anything. I found out about her when I was young and always wondered what it would be like to grow up with her. Then at 13, when I found out who my bio dad was, I also found out that he had 3 daughters after me. I was so excited, I was finally going to get the sister I had always wanted, times 3! However, he didn't want me in his life or nothing to do with me. So, I continued to grow up without a sister.
I think of my sister almost every day. Her birthday, my birthday(b/c I was at first told we shared a bday), holidays, etc. I write to her in my journal all the time. She is never far from my mind.
I haven't really "searched" for her. I have never seen her, but from some inside information, 99% believe I know who/where is. I have put my information out there on this forum and a few others, just so if she is looking, she can find me.
Now.....for my dilemma and problem I need advice on. I do not want to hurt anyone involved, my mom, her parents and especially her. However, I so desperately want to know her. I want to know what it feels like to have a sister. I do not know how my mom feels. I know she thinks she done the best thing, and looking back over my life, I believe she did. As I said before, my mom and I do not have a very open relationship. How do I approach my mom on this subject? I will not "actively" search or attempt any contact without my mother's approval. I feel I have disrespected her by what little information I have placed on forums already. Another dilemma is, my sister is 25 now. I feel that she isn't looking or doesn't know she is adopted. If she knows but isn't looking, then maybe she don't want to know us or meet us. What gives me the right to come into her life, if she didn't ask me to? I am so confused about how to talk to my mom about wanting to find my sister, and even after getting her blessing, do I have the right to locate my sister? I don't want to disrupt anyone's life, I don't want to intrude. If she don't want contact that is fine. I only want her to know that I am here, and open to any relationship she chooses, even if it's none at all. I will always respect her choice and never push anything on her. I really need to talk to my mom soon, she isn't in good health. That is another reason. My sister really NEEDS to know our medical information. My grandmother died recently and she had no prior problems, it was very sudden. Was working on Thursday, went home early sick and passed on late Friday night.
I do not know my sister's birthdad, I assume my mom does though. I had a close family member tell me once that my mom told her he was the reason she had to place my sister. That he could NEVER find out she was pregnant or he would have killed her. I don't know how true this is, and if she said this if she meant kill her literally or as a figure of speech(if that makes sense). That is another thing I wonder about. Will locating my sister open up something that is best left unopened? Was this guy really that bad? Maybe he was married or something. I don't know who signed the relinquinsment if he didn't know about my mom being pregnant. I still live in the town that my mother gave birth, if she went through DFS, would there by a legal notice in the local paper, or is that only with private adoptions? My husband adopted my daughter and I know it was in the paper even after the birthfather signed his rights.
So many questions and issues. I am so confused. The only thing I know for certain is that I would love for my sister to be a part of my life.
Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read and any advice is much more appreciated than you could ever know.
Kris
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I hope I put this post on the right forum. Sorry to anyone if I didn't, don't want to take your forums over by posting a off topic issue. I couldn't find a forum for birth sibling support. I would love hearing from birthmoms about how they would want their child approaching them on the subject or even from siblings who have been in my spot and how you approached your mother about wanting to search. I welcome advice from anyone. It seems that alot of siblings wait until their mother has passed on to search on their own, I really don't want this to be the case.
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k_k, you are in a difficult situation but I would suggest follow your heart with caution ... that's meant in the nicest possible way. You don't know if your sister is searching so I can understand the hesitant attitude to start searching but on the other hand she could be searching as well. It can't hurt to start searching even in a passive way that you're getting details out on different sites including here. Have you thought about getting details on genealogy sites? It isn't unusual for families to be reconected that way and I do have friends who have found their relinquished child and original families through this method. Go for it and I really do wish you the best.
I would just come out and talk to her about it. Tell her you have this burning desire to contact her. Hopefully she will give you her support if she doesn't well then it is up to you. You are both adults and you really don't need anyone's permission.
I know in our area through DCFS for our youngest daughters adoption they did have to list in the paper. So it's possible there might have been a notice in the paper in your case....but your Mom will know that.She may also know of the best way to try and contact her. Also DCFS has a thing where if you contact them they can tell you if she has also tried to get in contact with you guys. If she left her information with them than they will give it to you. If she hasn't then you can leave your information and if she goes back to check her file or search your information will be there waiting for her. Just cause you haven't heard from her yet doesn't mean she's not ready...or not searching. Sometimes it takes years to find birth relatives. In some cases the adoptee has their own set of concerns of disrupting your life....so maybe she is waiting to be contacted? you just never know until you find her and ask her.
My advice would be go for it. Talk to your mom and try and find her.
i would search her out. just cause you haven't heard from her yet doesn't mean
Hi kk, mom2GRLC you're right about adoptees having concerns about disturbing lives. I myself had that concern, and have read it many times here. So kk, your sister may be searching for you guys too, perhaps just plodding along, rather than aggressively making phone calls, etc. I too would suggest talking to your mom. One thing I've done in the past when I'm concerned about a particular talk I want to have with someone, is I get somewhere alone, and simply concentrate and meditate about loving, kind thoughts and feelings. And then I have the talk fairly quickly so life doesn't happen and ruin my mood. <smile> That helps in a couple of ways: it calms my nerves, I feel good about the person, and I have a confidence that I might not otherwise. I can just hear the yearning in you to find her and have sisterly times together. I hope your dream comes true. Warmly, heartbeat
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Thank you all for your advice. I almost had the courage up to say something to my mom and someone walked in the room a few days ago. I don't want to do it in front of anyone, and don't want to do it over the phone. I have a really hard time talking to anyone about things, esp her. Not really talking, but initiating the conversation.
Again, thanks for all the advice. It really means alot to me.
k_k
I just think you should tread really carefully here for the sake of you and your Mom.
All sorts of emotions could come forth when you speak about your birthsister. Maybe your Mom will be relieved to actually get it out in the open. I keep on trying to imagine how I would have reacted if my "home-grown" children had asked me....and I think I would have been very relieved, but also very angry when I found out my sister didn't keep my confidence. :confused: And concerned that my children had knowledge of my placed child for years without asking me about it.
Most birthmoms IMO carry this backpack of shame from the day they signed the relinquishment. And most, I believe, haven't taken it off their shoulder to actually work through the loss that's packed inside until they are found or search and find. :grr:
I'm not saying - don't talk to your Mom - I'm saying - be aware of what this question/knowledge will unleash. I don't believe in secrets (even though I was the keeper of mine for 30 years). I learned that no information kept hidden is as bad as the fact that you are the keeper of secrets. It implies that you don't trust those you love. Do you have a really good relationship with your Mom...and is your brother keen to help you or at least meet this sister if you can find her? Will he feel "deposed" as the eldest in the family?
This post sounds negative - but that is not what I am trying to get across. For all concerned, I think you need to broach the subject in a special way and make sure all the people involved are not left to deal with the fall-out. I suggest you speak to your brother and get his opinion, and perhaps write Mom a note explaining how you feel and how important this is for (hopefully) both of you. When you tell her she is going to be re-active, but if you can hand her the note so she can read afterwards when her heart settles down and read how you are concerned for her and will support her through this, you are building bridges rather than pulling the foundation from under her. (Oh sorry - far too many metaphors!!) And if both you and your brother are keen to persue the search, that will be easier on her. It's so much easier to put thoughts on paper in a logical loving way than speak them in an emotional moment. I equate this with a searcher knocking on a door as opposed to a sending a letter. Having time to breathe and rationally read the words - letting your emotions settle before having to react is calming and a letter gives you, the writer, a chance to make your true intentions clear.
Enough.....I agree that you should have knowlege of your sister if she is willing. I'm hoping that your Mom and brother are with you on this.
Good luck with the asking, and the search. I'll watch eagerly to see how you got on. ;)
Ann :flower
My mom does know what her sister done and has dealt with that and her and the sister talks quite often now. Her sister did cause damage to their relationship beyond compare, but that is something she has to live with.
My sister isn't a secret, my mom's whole family knows. We just don't ever talk about her. From what I have gathered Mom's family, esp her parents, really gave her a hard time and didn't support her decision at all.
I don't have a bad relationship with my mom, but it's not the best. We get along most times. I know that in a real time of need I can turn to her. Most of my teen years I spent blaming her for my biodad not wanting to have anything to do with me and the fact my brother was ALWAYS placed first. I stayed away from home as much as possible. I've come to terms with the fact that even though things may not have been handled as they should have been with my biodad, he was given a chance and my mom didn't step in the way of our relationship.
As for my brother..........I haven't talked to him about my sister since we first found out. I don't talk to him at all, unless he talks to me first. But I have thought about going and talking to him and having him talk to mom, they have a much better relationship.
As for writing mom a note, I have considered that many, many times also.
Your post was helpful and I am glad to hear from a bmom.
I will keep all posted.
Your Mom may find this subject difficult to talk about but that does not mean that she won't welcome your proposal. I find my daughters adoption difficult to talk about still. I did not tell my son about his 1/2 sister because I did not want to burden him with my greif. When M. found me I was glad. I wanted my son to know then but the subject of the adoption is hard for me. I made a special trip to his town and let him read the letter that I had recieved. That probably sounds wierd- I did not feel that he would be upset. I just couldn't get the words out. I don't know if this is helpful or not. You might suggest that your mom visit this site. It is a good place to talk about this difficult subject.
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I have a sister somewhere out there too. My mom placed her 1st daughter for adoption in 1969, my bsister was concieved from rape. Her pregnancy was a secret & she was sent away. I will not search for my bsister until my mothers death b/c it is so painful for my mom to deal with. When I adopted my son my mom opened up a little about her adoption experience & tried to help me talk with my son's bmom. My mom says she prays that her 1st daughter is doing well and had a happy childhood- but that she has no desire to renunite at this time. I hope someday I can meet her.
I can only answer in what your sister may be thinking or not thinking. She's 25, maybe she doesn't have a desire to search for her birthfamily because she's okay with it and maybe doesn't have the need to search at this time. That does not mean that she wouldn't be open to contact if she were found. I grew up knowing I was adopted and never felt the desire to learn of my birthfamily until this year when I started having problems with cancer. I'll be 40 this year, so you never know! Good luck! {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}