wishy washy

I hate wishy washy....but that is how I feel when I think about my bdad and his family. They were all great about meeting me(bmom didn't want to meet me)but her family did. I love them all and appreciate it but here is where the wishy washy comes in I love my aparents but I get so mad sometimes thinking about how my life SHOULD have been had my bdad known about me and kept me. I see how he is with his daughter(my half sister) and I know my life would have been better.....of course now I feel guilty for thinking THIS. i keep these feelings to myself because no one would actually get them. I know that my life wasn't bad but I know that I would have been spoiled and fawned over and encouraged to reach my full potential if bdad would have raised me....instead being raised by aparents I was one of 4, never encouraged to do well, never spoiled or fawned over:) This sounds shallow I know but when I think about my bdad and his family all I can see is what I missed or had stolen from me by bmom who never considered offering him the chance to raise me out of spite. I also don't understand people who want to adopt and then don't give that child everything that they would give their natural children. I also get distinct feelings that my amom is sometimes jealous of me. anyone else get this?