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I am 25 and have 2 wonderful children. I have only been divorced for 5 months and am due the end of August with my 'boyfriends' child. I started my relationship with my 'boyfriend' soon after my ex and I seperated. When I found out that I was pregnant I freaked out - the 'easy' way out would've been abortion and no one would've known - but there was no way I could do that. My ex and I are part of a very close community - between the catholic school our son attends, and the church, and all our kids are in sports together as well. Almost everyone was shocked when they found out we were getting divorced. We were the 'perfect family' young, big house, I was a stay at home mom, and he had a great business career- right down to the white picket fence(well a little decorative one in front of our house) and a family dog. Once people found out I was pregnant - that's when I started 'holding back' from activities. it's been hard, but most of all on my kids.I am currently living with my boyfriend and his 2 kids, and at one point we talked marriage, but i'm not ready for that. I feel like I haven't had time to really heal from my divorce, and sometimes I think that if I didn't get pregnant before we were divorced (I found out 1 month before our divorce was final) that my ex and I would still be together. My ex and I are finally at a friends point, and he's still hopeful that may be one day we'll get back together, but hesitant like me also. My problem is this unborn child has caused me a lot of grief , and emotionally ruining me. I started seeing a shrink a few months back and have been on anti-depressents, which are helping lots. I feel though that this child will take more time away from my kids - I already cry almost everyday I don't have them 50% isn't enough for me. And I feel like I need to move out on my own again, and really be able to grieve my divorce and concentrate on my kids, not my own selfishness. Yes I want to be happy and stuff, but I rushed into it too soon! I'm not thinking of who I'll be with in the future, but how this child will affect me and my children. they are excited for the baby - and that's a hard one too, how do I tell them that their brother/sister was given up to for adoption? How will my community act? My boyfriend doesn't want adoption, but if after the baby is born and I still don't feel attatched/connected to it - then he'll agree to the adoption. we've already started papers and cousiling through a catholic agency. I'm feeling a lot of grief/stress/guilt. Everything is on my shoulders. But emotionally and mentally I don't think I can give this baby what it needs, and I don't want another one of my children to go back and forth like mine already do. Please, if anyone has any advice, words of wisdom, know of similar situations.....anything would be a big help - thx for 'listening'!
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if it was up to my ex and I we would not ever tell our son about it - but we know we have to - but it's hard, and it makes me want to cry to have to tell him - I don't know quite how to describe my feelings or my ex's about this - but it depresses us both to know that we'll one day have to tell him - I know that's selfish but that's how we feel.
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[FONT=Century Gothic]Hi Angie! I'm so happy that you are all doing so well. We can hear the joy in your posts. You asked about the feelings of being overwhelmed with 3 kids!!! i have 4 boys and you are not a bad mother...you are transitioning and doing it quite well considering all of the mental stress you've been through! Your children know how much you love them and you ARE a great mom. I remember coming home from the hospital with each child and wishing I had a little "alone" time with each of them...it got increasingly harder and harder...don't worry, it all falls into place and helps mold who we are and who our children are in the end! You have enough love to go around and each child knows it!!!! Just take one moment at a time and like Aura said, breathe in Ceceila's newness! Yes, tell you son some day, but not this week or next....you have a good heart and you will be fine...don't beat yourself up...enjoy your new life!:flower: [/FONT][FONT=Century Gothic][/FONT] [FONT=Century Gothic]Love[/FONT][FONT=Century Gothic]Michele[/FONT][FONT=Century Gothic]xo[/FONT][FONT=Century Gothic][/FONT]
aray
and then he's told me that if i go back to my ex he'll fight tooth and nail for our daughter to not be with me in that house, he doesn't want her near my ex (he's not violent, but my ex has made it clear to Sam(Celia's father) that he doesn't care about Sam's kids) but I know that doesn't include my daughter with Sam - my ex has said that he 'doesn't care' about the baby and we would just work it out.......
Thanks for the kind words. I know I don't need to make a decision now, but it's hard because when I see my son playing catch or football with his dad I start to cry because I miss watching them do that and the way he is with our daughter.....I miss those things so much! But on the other hand I want to and love to see Cecelia with her dad too! I just get sad when I sit back and realize that I'll never see all my children with there dad all the time. And sometimes (and I know that it's not right) I feel that I have to choose between my kids - even though that's not right, but that's how I feel sometimes. Right now I'm just trying to take things slow and like you said waiting for my hormones calm down, but it's still hard! Also as much as I'm loving my little one I still sometimes feel distant from her, it's like I resort back to the way I was feeling when I was pregnant. And it's also hard call Sam 'dad' because my ex has always been dad to me, not Sam. It's just weird and when I think about that it makes me sad again and wonder how things will be down the road. And on top of that I'm starting to have 'issues' with Sam's kids again. I know I treat them different and so does he and he says he understands, but I can't help but feel horrible and I know that I need to try and get a different mind set about them and our situation, but I sometimes feel as though I am trying too hard, and it shouldn't be this hard, for Sam it's easy, he's almost better with my kids than his, and sometimes he knows it - and it's easy for him, so it should be easy for me right? but then again he's had 3years to get uste to being divorced and looking for someone, and his kids don't want him and his ex to get back together, but my kids bring it up still.........it's just hard and very overwhelming and I'm afraid that it'll never change. It just makes me feel like a horrible person, even though I'm not, I love kids....but why do I feel this way about his? :confused:
Just take your time. So much of what you are feeling can be attributed to regular adjustment. Change, even wonderful change, is difficult. And you are most likely sleep deprived, and stressed.
No one instantly bonds with a child, by birth, by adoption or through blended family. Certainly you treat Sam's children differently that the children you are raising, the relationship is different. It does not have to be negative, just different.
Call if you want to chat. I have unlimited long distance.
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Brenda,I'm always amazed at your generosity of spirit. It seems like at least once a day you open your heart to giving someone who's struggling your support. God bless you. Aray,Congratulations on your baby girl. And kudos for seeking support and comfort when you need it. God bless you too.
Aray- I am so happy for you and your new baby girl! You have kept your wits about you through this pregnancy and sought help and continued to get quiet enough to listen and trust in yourself- you will get through all this as well. You are a very strong bright loving woman and mother. Blended families are very tricky to navigate at times- and you are at a huge crossroads in your life and your family's lives. Don't beat yourself up about anything you're feeling- like you said you had built a few walls to protect yourself through the pregnancy and I would imagine it is only natural for all these emotions and feelings to surface now and for it to be constantly challenging to look at them all and experience them and move on.You are doing the best you can. That's all you have to do. To be where you're at. I have friends from blended families that were very difficult when the kids were younger- and now at their children's weddings and functions they all sit together and laugh- they are family- that will never change. I'm thinking about you and sending you lots of love. You are a very brave woman- your children are very blessed to have you.
HI. I am an adoptee and I agree with you Janet. I am forty-one years old, I am also a birthmother. I have four children of my own and a granddaughter. I have no other family and have no info on my bfamily yet. I have just read the book "Primal Wound" and I recommend it to the lady contemplating adopting out her child. If you want my opinion, I say "don't do it". I have have a really tough life as an adult. Even as a child I suppose, only in the fact that I wasn't told about my adoption and the "secret was always there, though". I had wonderful aparents. They died when I was in my twenties. They were emotionally repressed though which has caused me many problems. I could write a book about loss. I think adoption is alright if a child suffers extreme neglect, the parents have died, etc. Parenting isn't easy. It can bringg you the greatest joy but on the flip side, the greatest pain also. Maybe you will have a hard time. I don't know, I couldn't find the original post. If your child was not planned, so what? If financially you'll be struggling, so what? Your baby is your baby. She or he will be permanently wounded for the rest of his/her life, regardless of whether or not the adoptive family is great or horrible. It's a deep wound, too, that is beyond words and no child should have to have unless THERE IS NO OTHER ALTERNATIVE. You wanted an opinion. That is mine.
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It is good of you to think of the adoptive parents' feelings..Too bad the agency didn't! This happens all the time. I am a foster parent (and adoptive parent) and have come to the conclusion that agencies are not sensitve to the depth of what they are dealing with. I wish you blessings with your decision and remember you can always reconsider.The baby's needs first. As a foster parent we do not judge and know that no one has the wisdom to predict what is "best". Good-luck and God Bless you and your family. AnnaE
OH! I was not aware of that at the time. I'm so glad to hear that! Thanks for letting me know. Just shows how illiterate I still am at navigating aroung on the threads and replying and stuff. I feel like a retard! If you have any advice I'd appreciate it. I feel so lost on this site sometimes and I really do want and need some support. Thanks again. Now how can I send a thread to her to let her know I'm glad she chose to keep her child?
First of all, I just wanted to say congratulations on your new daughter!! Being a mom is the most wonderful thing there is huh?!!
Second, as an adoptive mom, I wanted to say THANK YOU for thinking of the potential adoptive parents feelings. With all you were going through and thinking about...it makes me happy to know that you knew your doubts enough to NOT let the potential adoptive parents know about your daughter until you were sure. It really is too bad that the agency didn't think the same as you did!
Third, take your time with the rest of your decisions. You don't have to choose either your ex or you daughters father to be with. I am not a therapist, but right now, I think you need to think about yourself and your children. You have made a lot of decisions recently...give your brain and heart a rest!
Good luck to you!!
I am new to this site don't really know why I come on here to be honest with you not adopted nor did I adopt. Not looking for any one. But when I did come on I came in the middle of this story and went back and read to catch up stayed with it. In reading your story I wanted to say, that you are not the only one out there. I was one also, Im a mother of four kids that all have different fathers. My kids will always be first in my life they are my life. But whats sad is that I know we are not the only two that have the same story. And would like to thank the ppl that did give you advise and for having a place like this that you could turn to. Its really hard in the society we have now days to make a decision because ppl judge to fast. I just wanted to say reading your post on what you were going threw and how you felt made me look back and it seemed as if my life was being replayed. It was very weird at first to read what you posted because I was there befor. The only thing I did was that I left the situation of being torn between the fathers and dedicated my life to better myself and take care of my three kids. When I did this and moved on not worried how the kids would feel because I told myself that they will adjust and if I was happy then I knew my kids would be happy. Later after pulling myself up and doing what I wanted to do and raising my kids (guess I just stopped worring what other ppl would think, and did what I wanted to do, or what I thought was best for me and my kids.) Thats when my life came togethere, felt like I had control, BUT to let you know it will get better and If you love the baby girls father and it was meant to be it will happen not saying that life is easy cause its not you will have your ups and downs just like other families just remember your not the only one out there you will know in your heart when you meet that someone and if Sam is the one, then Im happy for you. Im with my husband of 9 years (my 4th childs father) He took me and three kids into his life as his own and then together we had are fourth child. Just keep your head up and be strong for your kids whether it be sam or someone else there is someone out there that will be your solemate and I never beleaved in, "you will know when it happens" but girl you will, honestly you will and the torn between fathers and the mixed emotions of your kids yalls kids his kids as they get older its not bad as you would think. Kids adjust, and as long as they see the parents happy the kids will be happy. Just my two cents from being there...don't know if i will ever come across this site again but I wish you the best.:wings:
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Mom_of_four, What wonderful, inspiring advice. I printed your post to give to my daughter who is working to keep her little family together(her and her son). And yes, people are very quick to judge. Some of the remarks that she gets from total strangers are outrageous and WAY off the mark as to reality! Fortunately, I have been blessed with a wonderful support group of single moms who are raising the most beautiful children immaginable. Whenever I feel that I need advice to help me understand what my daughter is going through, I turn to them and they are "right on" every time! Hugs and enjoy that family of yours. Happy G'Ma
Hi Carmel,
We are in kentucky. I know how you feel. My sister had a simular experience. Her husband left her while she was pregnant with a son who was 3 years old. She did give her baby up for adoption. She still see's him during the summer months. It is an open adoption. To this day, she does not regret what she did. To her, it was an opportunity for him to have a better life than what she could give him at the time. She recieves pictures through the year (mainly one during each season) They do talk on the phone as well. He knows he has been adopted and deals quite well with it. He says that his mother and father love him and support and admire what his biological mother did. It is nice to see him for our family reunion. It was hard for her and our family at first, but as time went on and we got to know the adopted parents we all grew a bond and they are like our family and we are as well to them.
It's kinda neat to see how God works through situations we did not plan. Now I find my husband and I looking to adopt a child and I think of my sister and her middle son often. I talk with my nephew often as well and to see the love he has for our family and his adopted family proves to me that children can grow up and be happy if all people in the situation are willing to make it work. I just hope that I can find a birthfamily like my sister did for her son. I understand both sides of adoption and hope that God will bless us with another child through adoption. So don't feel bad sweety. You're feelings are normal and valided with I'm sure others. Pray and seek guidance and he will lead you to do what is best for you and your family. Contact me anytime. Our website, if you want to see it is : [url=http://witharmsopened.homestead.com]Home[/url].
Good luck and God bless.
Amy