Adoptees from Closed Adoptions,Did you have a fantasy of who your birth parents were?

My twin sister and I were adopted together as infants (1967). On and off I have wondered about my bio parents, wondered who they are, and if they are still alive. I wouldn't say that I fantasized about them, but I have wondered who they are and what the circumstances surrounding relinquishment were. When I think about all of this, I am mostly thankful that they relinquished us when they knew they couldn't care for us. God placed us into a wonderful loving home and I have had a great life. Margie

My DH always said it was Wesley Snipes and Isabella Rosellini - explaining his dark skin, and love of the black and Italian cultures. :)He recently found out that he is indeed 1/2 Italian, and that he has 1/2 siblings who are 1/2 white/black... alas, he is not - and Wesley and Isabella had nothing to do with it. :)

Thanks for the responses to the post about fantasies about birth parents. How wonderful Margie that you and your twin were adopted together! How great to have your sister to share adoption with! I too like you was adopted into a loving family for which I feel blessed! I am sure your birth parents did not forget you- how could one forget 2 precious girls- twins! They would be so proud to see you how you have grown up! And Birth4mom3- that is fun your husbands imaginations of movie stars who had his features that could be his birth parents- it is neat that he can have fun with that! Thanks for sharing!! Any other adoptees have fantasies- of who their birth parents were?? Jody Moreen, adoptee Adoptees' Cafe- Devotions for Adoptees/Adoptive Parents [url]www.adopteescafe.blogspot.com[/url] Compiler of "Letters and Reflections to My Adopted Daughters" 2005 book penned by John Newton, 1700's hymnwriter of "Amazing Grace", pastor and adoptive father of his wife's 2 orphaned nieces.

Good morning all. This is a great questions. My husband and I are both adoptees and we both have totally different stories. My husband knew his bmom was an addict and that he has brothers and sisters. He knew that his bfather was never in the picture. I, on the other hand, was from a closed adoption and therfore could make up my own adoption story. From the time I was very young my parents always told me that my bmom was not able to give me a good life. As I got older they shared more information with me. She was 19, a nurse, not married, etc. I used to dream that she came from a rich family and that one day I weould get a phone call saying that she had left me her fortune!!!!! My friends and I would plan what we would do with money (funny I always said I would give my parents half!)(How embaressing now). But this was during the time that my parents were teaching me that I had to work for money *(my parents were and still are considered very pirvileged, but never wanted my brother and I to think the world would just give us what we wanted). I thank them for that every day. As I got older I would dream that she and my bfather would meet up again and have another child that they would give up and my parents would find her and I would have a sister. I would love to hear more from others. Keep the stories coming. Erica

I am an adoptee, born and relinquished in 1964 -- so it was obviously a "closed" adoption. I didn't fantasize about my birthmom being "famous", but I did have a picture in my mind of what she might be like....what she might be doing.....and where she might live. She was always a "normal" person -- a writer or a teacher....pretty....living alone in a cool apartment in a big city. Even tho I always pictured her in a "normal life", I will never forget the night my CI said she had located her and had been trying to call her house all day, but no one was home!! I remember thinking, "OMG -- she has a HOUSE!!! She has a PHONE!!!" As if I thought she had neither all these years!!! LMAO :p To the contrary of anything I had ever imagined, she was neither a teacher or a writer -- she cleans people's homes......she didn't live in a cool apartment in a big city -- she lives less then ten miles from my house, in a little cottage, with an alcoholic, gambling adicted husband, who doesn't work. She has three children and seven grandchildren......who also live in semi-poverty. I think the biggest "blow" was that after denying she was the woman that my CI was looking for, she eventually came clean....said she was my birthmother.....but that she wanted absolutely nothing to do with contact. Although nothing was, in the end, as it had been in my mind, I wouldn't trade the knowing what I know now for all the "make believe" of the years before. Oddly, the truth is much more comforting to me. Hugs, Sally

Erica, thanks so much for sharing about your fantasy about your birth mom while you were growing up. Oh so common to we adoptees in closed adoptions who had little or no birth family history. Interesting that you envisioned your birth mother wealthy and leaving you a fortune- I have heard others envision that as well or the opposite they envision a poor person, a bag lady/homeless person. But seldom do many fantasize about a "normal" everyday person as you did Sally- that is better to have a closer image to reality than many embraced. And as Sally said - truth is WAY better than fiction- we can deal with that, process it, and accept it in time. Fantasy does not give us that advantage. And if you fantasize a movie star and then meet a person who does not meet that fantasy- that can be a letdown I find it odd that I had no fantasy, no image in my mind, no remembered ponderings about my birth famiy- that is likely for many whose parents never talked about or mentioned the birth mother. Even when I hit my 30's and began my search for my birth mother- I did not have a "picture" or idea in my mind about her. ( She and my birth father died quite a few years before I found- but I met 3 birth sisters) Did anyone else have the unusual experience as I will no dream or fantasy of their birth parent. Thanks everyone for sharing! Blessings, Jody Moreen, adoptee Compiler of 2005 book "Letters and Reflections to My Adopted Daughters" penned by John Newton, 1700's English writer of the hymn, "Amazing Grace" , pastor and adoptive father of his wife's 2 orphaned nieces.

I am not sure if mine was a fantasy or not...... becasue I am of mixed race and in my teens at school teachers would ask me to tell the class about how I came to be here and waht was my story......not knowing "my story" I made one up.....and it was mixture of what i had heard and fantasy.....i woudl say that my parents were married (of course) and as myfa ther is from India, and i know they ahve many children(people from Indai do)...I said that they came by boat to the Uk, all of the family (see how myths and truths can be mingled!) and when they got here, they couldnt keep me as there were too many children, so they got into theri boat and left me behind and i fantasied them coming back in their boat for me when they had gotten more money..... I laugh at it now.....to realsie how silly that was...but at the time I needed a story like other people to tell....and to beleive..... shef

Thanks Shef for sharing your story and how you shared it with your peers and teachers. I find it sad that many of us were not given a story to tell in closed adoptions. A typical thing I said as an adoptee about my story, my medical history- was "I don't know, I'm adopted" which was the pat answer and true. We did not know- so many of had to dream up some story or envision who are family was and why were were placed for adoption. It is encouraging to know that there is much openness and open adoptions- which do not leave many adoptees with such a mystery cloud following them through their life as we did. Blessings to you Shef and thanks again for sharing! Jody Moreen, adoptee ;) Compiler 2005 book,"Letters and Reflections To My Adopted Daughters" penned by John Newton, 1700's English hymn writer of "Amazing Grace" , pastor and adoptive father of his 2 orphaned nieces from his wife's side of the family.

It figures I'd have a weird 'fantasy'. I think my worst fear was that she was really normal, like a high school kid from a good home who made the wrong decision and got pregnant by her boyfriend and they loved each other. Maybe I just couldn't wrap my mind around someone in that position giving up their baby and it was easier and more comforting to believe there were horrible circumstances that took the decision out of her hands. So my fantasy was always dramatic and tragic - she lived on the streets; she was an alcoholic/addict; she was raped - that sort of thing. Whoever she was, she loved me and I wouldn't have the problems I had if I was with her, if only because she, of all people, would understand and accept me just the way I was. Turns out my fantasies weren't far off. heartbeat

Hello heartbeat and thanks for sharing your thoughts and fantasies about your birth mom - you are not alone in your thinking what you did- for as I mentioned before- it was rare for adoptees to envision an everyday person- either they were famous and a celebrity type or they were a poor person or a homeless street person. What you said makes sense- it may be too hard to think an average everyday person would make an adoption plan- but easier to accept the WHYS of adoption when it was someone outlandish, or challenged with troubles. My birth mom really struggled through life, abandoned my birth father and sisters and ended up homeless. A sad story- the counseling and support services for women in crisis pregnancy were not to be found years ago- as they are much more abundant these day. Thanks again heartbeat! Jody Moreen ;) Compiler of 2005 book "Letters and Reflections to My Adopted Daughters" penned by England's John Newton, hymnwriter of "Amazing Grace" pastor and adoptive father of his 2 orphaned nieces in the 1700's/London

Any more adoptees from closed adoptions have fanatasies of who there birth parents were? Thanks for sharing! If you you reunited, where your fantasies close to true or far from your fantasies? Jody, reunited adoptee with birth sisters

Mine was a closed adoption. However, my aparents were very open as to the circumstances surrounding my adoption. Any questions I had they would always answer as truthfully as they could. They never held anything back from me. Always all out on the table. Now, knowing what I knew about bmom (which was a whole lot) I still fantasized about meeting her and what she was like. She was a drug addict at the time of my placement, and at the time of my birth. That was the main reason I was placed, the state intervened. I didn't have the lavish fantasies though. I never daydreamed about her being rich and some sort of superstar. However I never daydreamed about her being a bum on the street either. My fantasy was always that she got clean and turned her entire life around and was living the "American Dream". That she lived in a suburban town, working at a company (nothing lavish). That she was finally happy and content with her life and that at any day she would come back to get me. Then I met her. I couldn't have been more wrong. It's hard, as much as you try not to daydream of what "could be" it still creeps in. And as much as you try not to hold onto that daydream, realizing that that is all it could be, it still grows on you.

Hi Christina! Thanks for sharing your adoption/reunion story. I am so happy to hear that your adoptive parents were very open with you about your adoption story. I always knew I was adopted but no details. That made it so mysterious for me and you wondered what big dark secret was hidden. I too did not even think of my birth parents until I was an adult. My adoptive parents never made them real to me by ever speaking about them- and I never asked for I assumed it was a "taboo" subject. Just like you, it was difficult to find out that my birth mother died with many problems, alcoholism and homelessness. I am glad that I did not find that out as a young person- as an adult I could have more empathy and know that people get into circumstances through hardship. I know it is natural to want to find a person who is lovely and warm and caring and wants to know and embrace us. And in some cases, this happens. I believe when we find someone who is troubled or in crisis we have to process that and settle our emotions with who they are and who we are. As time has gone forward I have grown more compassion on the birthmom I never knew and know she struggled though lots of hard times. And I am so grateful that she gave me life anda adoption! Yes, we were born of our birth parents but we became individuals and much of our personality is from nuture, not nature. Thanks for sharing Christina! Blessings, Jody

I too was adopted during the closed era. I certainly fantasized about who my birthmom was. I dreamed that she was living a fabulous life somewhere in a big city. I thought that I had a younger 1/2 sibiling. I guess I kinda thought she would be living out all of my personal dreams. Yeah, I was wrong. She is living a very normal everyday life. As she puts it, "life ain't been no crystal stair." But she is happy. Turns out I have an older 1/2 sibiling and also a younger one. My birthmom and I have a solid, growing relationship. I can't say that I'm dissapointed in who she turned out to be because she is so much like me. My birthfather, yeah I fantatsize about him too. Somehow I envision him as a minister who has turned his life around and deeply regrets not being there for my birthmom. I'm in touch with a search angel so I'll have my answers soon.

Thanks Carla for sharing with us your great adoption/reunion story ! It is interesting to hear adoptees share what they dreamed or fantasized their birth parents to be. It is wonderful that you have an ongoing solid relationship with your birth mom and it must be neat to see your similarities! Blessings on your relationship and I hope you will find answers about your birth father and meet him as well. Thanks so much for sharing! Jody