new baby meeting sister

good point heartbeat it's making me laugh right now i haven't smiled like this in a couple of weeks. my friends and family wouldn't judge me i just feel bad that i didn't tell them earlier. my eleven year old and i have a semi close relationship she visits every year. her family moved to north europe about 4 years ago we met each other right before she moved. i just feel like o.k. now here's a big part of my life that i haven't shared with anyone and in one day it's out in the open. also on another issue her mom told me that D has been asking her more questions like why didn't i keep her. i don't want to overshadow her visit with her sisters birthday. i would never been ashamed of telling people who she is it's more of my heart racing at the thought of her not being with me now. my life is completely turned around and sometimes i think why didn't i keep her why why why i could have did it but i know she wouldn't have the same oppurtunities as she does now. but i'm an adult and no matter what i will do what is best for her. thanks again hearthbeat sometimes i do think toooo much about other peoples opinions.

I'm very relieved. I felt that I was harsh, even though I know I really wasn't. I'm just not used to speaking my opinion that strongly unless it involves something I'm passionate about, like animal abuse. So see? I still have that urge to please - the difference is I can almost always control it now. <smile> When I saw that you'd posted I thought, 'Oh s***, I hope she's not mad.' I'm proud of you. You're looking at it logically and rationally now. It's easy to let our emotions and fears blind us and distort reality. Your response to why you've never mentioned it could be many things: *shrug and say 'I dunno. Guess it wasn't the most important thing on my mind' That tells them that it's no big deal, and that if you're not obsessed, they certainly shouldn't be*simply say it was personal and painful - everyone understands that*say you figured you'd tell them when the time was right The truth is - it really wasn't any of their business, much as you care about them. It's ok to love people but not feel we owe them something. I completely understand what you're saying, but I have to chuckle over this. It's like, well...how do we gradually tell someone something?? LOL Even if I say "I think I'm pregnant" and only say one word a day, on the fourth day, I can't gradually say 'pregnant'! I believe it! good for you <sigh> Don't we all sweetie. I remind myself that it's ok to care what they think. It's not ok to let it determine my behavior when I know what's best. It's also not ok to let their opinion destroy me if it's a negative one. That's my way of coping sometimes when I'm having trouble - giving myself permission to care, but refusing to allow it to affect me. kind of a mind game on myself. I don't think the party will overshadow her visit. She wants to be near you and to have your attention. The baby's young enough that it will be easy to be there for both of them. If any relatives are in your town, the next time you see one or more that you feel would be easier to tell, you might want to go ahead and tell them, and add that you're very excited that they're going to get to meet her. Kinda puts a positive spin on it right away. And remember - look them in the eye. You've done nothing wrong. Let me know how it goes. Personally, now I think you'll do just fine. :cheer:

How about going with your husband when he tells his mother? Actually in my experience wemon who are a bit older tend to understand these things better. Adoption was rhe norm when they were growing up. I doubt your mother-in-law will give any thought to having given you advice when you were pregnant. She was just being motherly. If she does think about it I'm sure she will understand. My mother gave me advice on what to expect when I was pregnant with my kept child the second one. I was married then. Even though I lived in the same house for most of my first pregnancy when I was young and single she told me nothing that I can remember. I guess she didn't want to get attached. Wasn't it nice to have someone excited and looking out for you this time? If it comes up you should tell her that.

i got an email from my daughter she will be visiting thursday friday and saturday. i have not told my mother in law yet though. i just feel like telling her hey by the way you don't have to worry about summy having a sister or brother she already does. she wants us to have another baby already. i'm already getting tired of my own indecisiveness get it over with already girl. i just don't want to get too emotional talking about her. which i often do, i can just hold it in until i leave the situation i'm in but with so many different emotions running through me i don't know if i can get control of them while i'm telling her. i also don't want my baby to see me getting upset. i've been putting up a good front for her since the day i took her home and held her in my arms. i was so unbelievably hurt it has been an up and down year for me.

Time is running out. After you get this over with you will feel better so do it!!! I know it's not easy to talk about without crying but so what? You are crying on the inside now. Odds are that someone else will be holding the baby. At this point if you absolutely can't handle it let your husband talk to them. Ask him to explain that you want them to know but can't find away. I still think it would be good for you if you went with him- less akward for all when they meet your daughter. This should be a happy time for you. You deserve to be happy so quit tourturing yourself! I pray for you daily. I am expecting a good report back by Monday. I check this thread at least once a day. We are all pulling for you. Sorry to be so bossy but that's the mother in me.Patty-cake

Baby1995 - Sending prayers your way.

It's me again, your "Fess Up Coach". Remember you don't have to explain to anyone. You are doing this for your daughter. You do have a responsibility to protect her while the two of you are together. Think of taking pictures of her holding the baby in her lap and them playing together. Most 11 year old girls are fasinated with babies!

well i did it todaydidn't see any reason in waiting longer. i told her i had to talk to her about something. went by myself with my daughter. of course i couldn't hold back my tears and i usually can't when i talk about her it's just something that happens. she was scared but i told her it wasn't anything bad. i had a hard time just saying the words. i think she was more relieved that it wasn't something bad. she told me that it happens and at least i didn't have an abortion. she was also happy that her granddaughter had a sister. she asked who the father was and how old was i. she wanted to know if she looked like her sister and i showed her a picture. luckily my nephew was calling my cell phone for the tenth time and i had to answer it. and left as fast as i could. i left my baby with her for a couple of hours to visit her. i was upset after i left and still am. i thought that i would feel relieved but i don't. i told my husband that i did it and he was suprised and didn't believe me. he called his mother after i picked up our daughter. he asked her what i told her and she said why didn't we tell her before. i knew she would. because i was so emotional she told him that she thought it was something bad. i don't think she thinks it was a big issue but for me it is. its hard to put into words. i don't think she can understand that i have some emotional distress about the adoption and either does my husband. i'm feeling some resentment towards him because he doesn't think it's a big thing but it is. i'm not sure if anyone else has this same feelings i sure hope i'm not the only one.

We can be our worst enemies and critics. It seems as if you are still dealing with the shame of placing and your husband and mother-in-law do not see that you have anything to be ashamed about. This is not necessarily a bad thing. They believe that you made a good decision, they are excited about your daughter. I had a lot of ssues with shame. These things are so deeply ingrained. I found the only way to resolve it was with a good therapist.

I'm proud of you for getting it over with. Now reward yourself in some way. You deserve it. You did a hard thing for your daughter. It is hard for outsiders to understand. I don't know why. I knew before I was ever pregnant that this would be a very hard thing for someone to deal with. I think maybe your husband understands to some degree or he wouldn't have called his mom. Maybe they say it's no big deal meaning it doesn't change how they feel about you. The same words can mean a lot of things. However men have a low tolerence for hearing the same thing over and over. That's what we-girlfriends are for- are for. I was holding my feelings inside for so long. My husband thought that I was this "together" woman and now I'm not. Actually I Know that was screwed up all along. Is that what you are saying? I thik that I am starting to get better finally You mentioned therapy. Are you still going? Also you might talk to your doctor about antidepressants. If they don't help go back there are several different kinds and strengths. Sometimes they quit working and you have to change. Don't do like I did and wait over 30 years to get help. You deserve to feel happy. ((huggs)) Patty

patty cake i have never been to therapy before. i made my mind up about the adoption and thougt well it's done there's no sense in dwellling on it and said i didn't need to talk to anyone.the issue about my adoption was no one knew i was pregnant until i was may and i had the baby june 1st. i always had extra meat on me and my dad told me i needed to start doing some sit ups when i was seven months pregnant. i considered an abortion but couldn't go through with it. i just kept the pregnancy to myself. i told my parents o.k. i'm 17 and pregnant and i have made my mind up to give the baby up. they didn't want me to but i knew what best. so it was fast i met the amom middle of may and had the baby two weeks later. i knew that it was the right thing and never had much regret until i had my baby and held her in my arms. and had some emotions that i guess i was keeping deep inside. i don't talk about the adoption with anyone they ask if i here from my daughter i say yes and she's fine end of discussion. i'm really glad that i found this forum. my husband and family have no idea the turmoil i'm having now. they are like your husband think i have it all together but i know what to do so i'm just going through the motions right now. i was upset last night and my husband told me to stop feeling sorry for myself. i can't stand him sometimes. i'm grieving the loss of the time i don't have with my daughter. i don't think that i ever went through the emoional cycle of adoption i just put it behind me and now it is all coming out.

It is Friday and I am thinking aboutyou and hope you enjoy your visit. I know you are too busy to write. When things calm down let us know how it went. Good or bad I would still considder therapy-Patty

hi, the visit is over and it was great. we had a fun time for four days. my daugher spent the last night with me. she met my husbands mother, stepdad, and two sisters. she was excited to spend time with us. luckily we didn't have too many of what i will call incidents. her parents spoil her way too much, they treat her like an adult and let her behave like one, her amom is 51 and adad is 53 she's an only child . i guess they have alot of patience much more than me. i don't really care for an 11 year old to act like she's 7. some issues i guess i have with aparents raising her that way. her mom is a journalist and someone wrote an article about having dinner with her family and quoted her as being irrepressible. the girls spent some time together but i don't really think she cared for her baby sister. i asked her if she like babies or found them to be somewhat annoying. some kids just don't like babies. she wanted to sleep with me but she didn't want the baby to sleep with us. i was a little hurt. my husband wasn't very supportive either i think he was a little jealous of my daughter because i wanted to spend alot of time with her my god i only see her a few days a year. he was off of work for a couple of days so i had him watching the baby while i visited with my daughter and i could swear he was having a fit. i told him we were going to sleep in the bed and he was upset. he woke me up when the baby was crying and brought her in the room crying. i was very frustrated with him the entire visit. i told him he was very unsupportive of my issues and allowing me to spend time with my daughter. he didn't apologize until after she left and pleaded with me to forgive him, i just don't understand what his problem is.all and all i loved spending time with my girl. she asked questions about her dad, that's a completely other story. and her mom said that she thinks they forced me to give her up to them. and if i could clarify the situation. we had some discussions and i feel relieved and very unsure of what lies ahead. my entire family was against the adoption and they are very sad when she leaves. i feel bad for them but if you knew them you'd understand why i made the choice i did. patty-cake i know i need therapy because i have alot to talk through and need a professional. i'm going to be added to my husbands insurance in nov. and i'm going to take full advantage of it. thanks to every one for the advice i really needed it. it helped me sort through my emotions. carrie

i just wanted to show everyone a picture of my two girls 11 and 1 years old. carrie

Thanks for the picture. What pretty girls. I think they resemble each other! They must look like you. -Patty