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I got some shocking news recently about my mother becoming unexpectedly pregnant. She is less than 2 years away from being 50, and the doctor had advised that the chance of getting pregnant at that age was rediculously low (like 1% or less) so she had stopped paying for and taking the birth control pills as she had done for so many years. Well, turns out she probably should have continued to take them... since this unexpectedly happened. Before she was married, as a teenager she had an abortion, which at times in her life became a regretful memory. She doesn't like the thought of going through an abortion again since that can be a painful and emotional experience. She says it's not the baby years that keep her from wanting another child, but the teenage years and whole experience of motherhood once again. She would be in her mid-late 60's when this child would be a teen and she thinks it would be too much to deal with. It probably didn't help that I was a terribly rebellious teenager, even though I'm not such a bad daughter now (I'm 26 yrs old). But also, my little sister will be 16 later this year and my mom is in the midst of putting up with her bratty teenage years, which I'm told really takes a toll on a mother. Last night she was crying on the phone while talking to me (which never happens, as we are not an overly emotional type of family). She said she doesn't want the abortion, but she doesn't want the reality of being a new mother again. She wants some type of "third option" that it just goes away.... don't we all wish for that to happen with all the problems!? :eek: So, I have been researching the "open adoption" thing and think it may be a really good idea. She could be involved with the child to an extent, but not have the worry of not being able to care for it when she starts getting into retirement, etc. I'm not really sure what other options I can research and propose to help her with the dilemma. It's strange how now the mother/daughter role feels reversed, and now I feel like the one consoling my mother with her issues when it was always the other way around. So far I have not had any children, pregnacy scare, etc and have been faithful in birth control. At least I know I have plenty of "fertility time" left since this surprise has happened. LOL It just made me feel so terrible when my mom was crying and explaining how she would rather have been told that the doctors diagnosed her with a terminally-ill disease than to tell her she was pregnant again. She was a few years away from the "empty nest" when my youngest sibling will leave the house. Now I know that nest wasn't really looking to be filled. If you have any other suggestions that I can share with my mother, please do let me know. Right now it seems the open adoption would be a great thing for her situation. Even if it comes with it's own set of trials and troubles. She didn't want me to tell anybody that I know (relatives and friends) because she still isn't sure what she wants to do and is still sorting it out. It's been hard not to able to talk to anybody about it, and I found this forum and thought it may be a good place to get it out until she knows what is best for her. Thanks all for listening.
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[font=Arial]Hi,[/font][font=Arial]If your mom likes to read, there is a book out (copyright 2006) called Surprise Child: Finding Hope in Unexpected Pregnancy, by Leslie Leyland Fields. The author had not one, but two surprise pregnancies in her 40's. This is one of the reviews on amazon:[/font][font=Arial]Reviewer: Laurie Klein, May 17, 2006:[/font][font=Arial]Pregnant and unprepared, scared, feeling trapped - if this describes you or someone you know, Surprise Child will powerfully speak to those needs. Author Leslie Leyland Fields, twice surprised in her forties, interweaves her stories with those of others - diverse women whose lives are radically interrupted, gradually transformed. I read it straight through today, could not put it down. With candor and warmth, Leslie talks us through pregnancy, page by page, month by month. She shares how she and the others weathered the fears, the guilt, the dreaded changes: in body and spirit, finances and family life, vocation and dreams and plans. Readers will find no judgments here, only hard-won insights, caring companions. Brief and compelling, Surprise Child features three sections, one for each trimester. Unfolding stories culminate in the epilogue. Unbelievable resources in the back offer more reasons to hope, more ways to cope. This is the book I needed years ago, the one I'll be giving to friends for, as Leslie says: "All of us are here in this book to say, yes, the tunnel winds and twists, but it does open into light." [/font][font=Arial] [/font]
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[font=Arial][/font] [font=Arial]I realize that you have no idea, not being an adoptee, a birth parent, or an adoptive parent, but two things... the assumptions you have made here, that it would not be hard for a mother to give up her child, and that adoption is about "getting rid" of a baby, are grievously offensive, deeply hurtful, and seriously inaccurate assumptions in most adoption situations. Maybe... if a mother is seriously attachment disordered due to trauma or abuse from her own childhood; if she is psychotic or emotionally disturbed; or if she is addicted to drugs---if she is somehow not in her right or best mind---she may not feel the loss as profoundly. Your mother will feel loss if she decides adoption. There's really nothing simple about it. [/font][font=Arial]Adoption is a life-altering and highly emotionally charged situation, and begs sensitivity for the sake of those who have been adopted, as well as for birth and adoptive parents. I've seen adoptees call themselves "pound pups" relating their adoption to puppies being adopted, and can see why. It's the myths that have pervaded the public consiousness for so long (though reforms have been and are needed in adoption practices). [/font][font=Arial]You are not at fault if you knew no better yet. I hope you continue to post and learn for your mom, yourself, and family. I'm wondering though, did your mom bring up the subject of adoption? Or did you or someone else bring it up to her?[/font]
When I first mentioned the open adoption last night, she said, "I can't even get rid of puppies, how am I supposed to get rid of a baby?" She is active in the volunteer community on finding homes for puppies and dogs from the pound, and has ended up keeping a couple since they couldn't find homes. I told her that a baby adoption can be set up in advance, where she can talk and meet with the adoptive parents, and that it's much different than pawning off a mutt. Some people are on waiting lists for years, right? [/font] [font=Arial]I don't think it would be that hard for her to give up the baby to a young couple who are not able to conceive their own child. Seems like it would be easier to deal with than another abortion... and in the future the adopted kid may understand that my parents were just too old to take on the task once again.
while my mom was explaining that she wishes there were a "third option" (after abortion, and keeping a healthy baby), I immediately thought of adoption. She said she wasn't comfortable with an abortion because this is kind of like a "miracle baby" and could be the good one that treats her nicely (taking a punch at the way me and my other siblings turned into ugly teenagers at times). I also suggested that she talked to her friend who has two adopted children through open adoption and see if it seemed like a good "third option". Mom said she hasn't told anybody (except for me) and that she was still in shock and embarrassed about the surprise. I'm hoping that she will call her friend and discuss the option with her. You are right about it being a loss, and maybe thats why she didn't bring it up. I just felt that it may be a better option if she seriously didn't want to abort and didn't want to start raising a 4th child. my apologies for any insensitive comments I may have made. I have NO CLUE what it's like to be adopted, to give birth, or even make any of the relevant decisions that go with them. I'm trying to learn much more about life before those paths are open to me...
she would rather have been told that the doctors diagnosed her with a terminally-ill disease than to tell her she was pregnant again
I am of the same mind as healing feeling. OK - so you were a handful as a teenager and your 16 old sibling is also a handful. Well maybe it is time to help re-pay your mother for your devlish ways and tell her you will be there to help support her when your brand new brother or sister becomes a teen. You have 13 years to prepare for your siblings entry into the teen years. By then your devlish 16 year old sibling will be 29 as well and old enough to help and relate to a teen. Where the heck is the dad
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Kindreds
I am of the same mind as healing feeling. OK - so you were a handful as a teenager and your 16 old sibling is also a handful. Well maybe it is time to help re-pay your mother for your devlish ways and tell her you will be there to help support her when your brand new brother or sister becomes a teen. You have 13 years to prepare for your siblings entry into the teen years. By then your devlish 16 year old sibling will be 29 as well and old enough to help and relate to a teen. Where the heck is the dad
I take it that your mom hasn't told Dad yet. My mother had me late in life although not at age 48. I am the only one of four children that was close to my daddy. Mother used to say that when the other kids were born he was working on his carreer and by the time I was born he was ready to be a daddy. He also was a very reserved person. Being 54 now I have more patience with kids than I did when I was young. Things that I thought were so important- like a clean house- don't seem so important now. The physical demands of keeping up with a young child 24-7 would be rough however. I'm glad I had a histerectomy at 40. By the way my son was actually a good teenager- more of a help than anything else mowed the yard,took out the trash etc. without being asked. Maybe she will luck out. My daughter was adopted years ago when all adoptions were closed. It was not what I wanted to do but I was young and without help . I don't know what could be more traumatic. It still hurts. However with your mother's age and experience I think she and your dad can make a decision that is right for them and the baby. It seems like an open adoption would be easier than closed in some ways, but it won't be painless and the pain does not go away. She will need you whatever she decides.
Thanks all for the advice... i've really needed it to help put things into perspective. On my dad - I haven't talked to him since all this came up last week. I know he was the one taking my mom to the doc for testing and to take her home. I had to go out of town this past weekend, so I was out of touch with the family, but I was hoping to drop by there tonight or tomorrow night and have a face-to-face talk with my mom. I guess then I can gather what my dad thinks about the situation. My dad is not the type to open up with his feelings, so I am kind of under the impression that the decision is all on my mom and that he would go forward with whatever she wants. Now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever had a phone conversation with my dad longer than, "Hey, how are things? Is mom around?" Maybe I can get him to talk as well when I go to visit with my mom. It's obvious that this is will affect him just as greatly, so I hope he is discussing all the options openly with my mom whether he wants to or not. Apparently the baby is due just days before my next bday... life sure is full of surprises!
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well it seems the baby is healthy and is a little boy. My mom seems much calmer than she did at first, so that is a good sign. Sounds like she is definitely going to keep him. She says when he starts walking she's going to give him golf lessons in hopes he'll be like Tiger Woods and be able to afford to put them in a nice nursing home when she's old. lol I think the fact that it is a boy has made her much happier, since us girls have been more difficult over the years. Thanks all for listening and best of luck in all of your endeavors.
[font=Arial][/font][font=Arial][/font] [font=Arial]That's great to hear, thanks for coming back and letting us know :). [/font]
BevoBabe
well it seems the baby is healthy and is a little boy. My mom seems much calmer than she did at first, so that is a good sign. [/font][font=Arial] [/font][font=Arial]Sounds like she is definitely going to keep him. She says when he starts walking she's going to give him golf lessons in hopes he'll be like Tiger Woods and be able to afford to put them in a nice nursing home when she's old. lol[/font][font=Arial].
BevoBabe
well it seems the baby is healthy and is a little boy. My mom seems much calmer than she did at first, so that is a good sign. Sounds like she is definitely going to keep him. She says when he starts walking she's going to give him golf lessons in hopes he'll be like Tiger Woods and be able to afford to put them in a nice nursing home when she's old. lol I think the fact that it is a boy has made her much happier, since us girls have been more difficult over the years. Thanks all for listening and best of luck in all of your endeavors.
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At the age of 48 ( ancient, I know) I became the "mother" to my grandaughter. yes , ******, 24 7. I was tired, and totally exillerated.I didn't have to go through a pregnancy or the horrible hormonals but I did have to go WAAAAAY back to infant caring, feeding and all the other things that go along with it.Don't underestimate older mothers. It's not easy, and you have less patience but with help from the menfolk, it can be done.I understand that people ( older) also adopt. I wonder how many are fifty that do this? just a few thoughts.dmca
merrill1277
[font=Arial] I've seen adoptees call themselves "pound pups" relating their adoption to puppies being adopted, and can see why. [/font]