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Hi all: I am feeling really stressed and sad today. We are in an open adoption. Last week, our birthmother called and said she needed her distance because things are still really new and it was hard. We were upset but we respected that. A few days later she called because she got a new job and wanted us to buy products from her that she now sells. I really didn't want to, but I felt like I had no right to deny her anything so I did. She didn't ask about the baby, so I asked if she wanted to hear about him. She said No, but she has been calling every day for one reason or another.
She calls at different hours and I always feel such pressure to drop everything to talk to her. Today, she called but I was feeding the baby and my husband was not home so I didn't answer. It was the first time I did this since the baby has been home with us (about a month) She called my husband's cell frantic. He called me and told me to call her. She was hysterical saying that when she couldn't get a hold of me she thought something terrible had happened. She also said that she was afraid the baby would forget her. I assured her that he was doing great and that we wanted an open situation and so there was no way he would ever forget her.
She did admit that she was jealous and sad and angry about everything although in the next breath she says she knows she made the right decision. I ended up getting really upset on the phone because I felt so bad for her. We both ended up crying.
I finally got her and myself to calm down and we talked. I told her how important it was that we both be healthy for our son's sake. She asked if she could come visit at the end of the month because she will already be in our neighborhood visiting someone else. We are suppose to be on vacation with family at a wedding down south. I had to say no. She was devestated. I felt so guilty I thought about calling my family and telling them I couldn't be in the wedding. But, we are going to see her the following month for our son's blessing that we have asked her to be a part of. I'm not sure she understood though.
I ended up calling her sister later on to let her know that I think she needed some extra support. Her sister told me that she (our son's birthmother) was not going to counseling like she promised. She had stolen money from her, she was making really bad decisions, and not dealing with her grief at all. She was just feeling anger and rage at everyone because her life was not what she wanted it to be.
I just feel horrible. Her phone calls are so important but they leave me so shaken. My heart races and I get so upset. After our last call, I had to ask my husband to come home and I gave him our son because I was so emotional and I didn't want the baby to pick up on it.
In the end, I finally called her back and said that we both needed to be healthy to make sure the baby was being put first. I told her that I was in counseling and I really wanted her to be as well. I also said that we had to establish some boundaries. I said we would set a date each week to talk for the next few weeks until things calm down. I said that I was nervous about always having the phone on me for fear of missing her and it was stressing me out, and I didn't think it was healthy for her to be frantic when she couldn't get a hold of me. She agreeded, but I have a feeling she wasn't happy about it.
I feel terrible? Do you think I am terrible for doing that? I want this relationship to work so badly. I promised her, and I mean it, I will never close the adoption. I guess what I was hoping you could all tell me is DOES IT GET EASIER? I know that it is so new and we have all these emotions. I just can't imagine it being this raw forever. I can't imagine that the jealousy she feels, the guilt I feel, and the saddness we both feel is going to be good for our son.
Please help.....
peace,
K
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Please remember that this firstmom is barely post-partum. Those first 8 weeks or so after birth are IN-tense. Intense, adoption or no adoption. With or without counseling it's going to take time for her to sort certain things out within herself. My best guess at why she is calling for other reasons but doesn't appear to want to hear updates on the baby- A) She may be in some denial at this point. Losing your child to adoption (I'm sorry to say) is a grieving process, sometimes one that is much like grieving a death. Denial is a stage in that process. B) She is so intent on having a good relationship with you that she is initiating conversations that seem like ones normal friends would have. And so as to not freak you out about "wanting the baby back" she is talking about everything but the baby. Please know that this is probably a terrifying time for her. I remember the first few weeks after my son's relinquishment how off I felt, how I felt like no one could possibly understand how I felt, how happy and sad I felt at the same time, how alone I felt, how fearful I felt about my future role in my son's life. Although jealousy may be a *part* of the equation, it is probably a small fraction, along with sadness, fear, etc....... I see so much in your post that reminds me of how my son's PAPs probably felt about me at one point. If they had utilized a bit more understanding.........I don't know, but I'm hoping you will utilize this understanding with your child's firstmom.
Although things may very well "calm down" a bit in a few weeks, I don't know that shutting her out and setting up strict "boundaries" is the very best thing right now. While I agree boundaries need to exist in ANY relationship, if you promised you would be there for her ANY time, then I would hope you would honor that commitment. Especially right now. Which is not to say that you should cancel your wedding plans, you shouldn't. But maybe let her know that if you are unable to pick up her phone call you will call her back as soon as you get a chance. Just like you would ANY other friend who is going through a major crisis or change in her life.
The fact that she "thought something terrible had happened" when you didn't pick up the phone is a huge clue that she cares VERY much about what is happening with the baby.
I know a lot of people won't agree with this, and I am certainly not telling you what you SHOULD do, just what I wish might have been done for me in the same situation. It is not to say you should "kiss her butt" or that what is going on with her is any more important than you and your life, but she is hurting, even if she doesn't realize it yet. Don't shut her out too much, please.....
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Sorry Spy, but I am definitely one who disagrees with you. :grouphug:
I think boundaries are key. I don't think you are being too restrictive in your requests.....it also sounds like you are including her in the decision on when it is apropriate to contact you.
I think although you need to be sensitive, as this is a terrible time for her...you also need to start a pattern for this relationship. A healthy pattern.
I agree that you should treat her as you would any other friend and return a call...but come on! If my friend was calling ME constantly and driving me crazy with worry, I'd have to tell her not to call so much too....It goes both ways.
you cannot and should not be the source of support and therapy for her. She needs to go elsewhere for that.
Right now you need to establish your role as your child's mother. You cannot do that properly if you are constantly worried about your child's birthmom.
You can be considerate, compassionate and loving towards your child's birthmom without it hurting your family.
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You know, I remember that those first few months post partum were some of the hardest of my life. Your body has just spent the last nine months preparing you for a baby, and then there isn't one to take care of. She is going through ALOT of hormonal things right now that she really can't control, no matter how hard she may try. My doctor told me that it honestly takes about six months for all of the pregnancy hormones to work their way out of a woman's body. That was something I didn't realize until I had given birth.
I also remember thinking, I can do this thing on my own, I don't need help. Thank goodness I had a partner that continually pointed out that yes I did need help healing, and that I had counselling available to me, to take advantage of it. I still do to this day.
I think the boundaries are a great idea. I wish that I would have known when my son's parents would call me rather than them leaving it up to me to call when I felt like it. I felt like calling every day. I wanted to know that my baby was ok, but I knew that wasn't appropriate. Setting specific times when you are going to call is an excellent idea.
It is scary handing over this precious little person that you have cared for for nine months to virtual strangers. I don't care how well you get to know each other before the birth, in the end, you have only known each other a few months. If you were writing your will would you pick a friend that you had only known for a few months to care for your child should something happen to you? First parents have to rely on social workers and a higher power that their baby is in the right hands. That is a HUGELY scary thing. So I can understand why she would be afraid that babe would forget her and that you may close the adoption, even when you say you won't.
Like I said, the boundaries are great, establish them now, even though it seems difficult. You do have to put your son first, and eventually she will realize that to, I would guess that hormones are partly still to blame right now. I know that seems like an easy out, but we all know what hormonal imbalance can do to a woman.
Hang in there, it does get easier, her grief, while it may never go away, will ease and become easier to cope with. I will warn you though, the jealousy part can be harder, it is very hard to watch someone else raise your child and not be slightly jealous, no matter how old your child is.
I have rambled on enough, I hope that these thoughts help you some! Good luck and congratulations on the new addition to your family!
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gottahavehope
I feel terrible? Do you think I am terrible for doing that? I want this relationship to work so badly. I promised her, and I mean it, I will never close the adoption. I guess what I was hoping you could all tell me is DOES IT GET EASIER? I know that it is so new and we have all these emotions. I just can't imagine it being this raw forever. I can't imagine that the jealousy she feels, the guilt I feel, and the saddness we both feel is going to be good for our son.
Please help.....
peace,
K
[font=Garamond]It is different for everyone,amoms and bmoms. When my son came home from the hospital I would get calls from my sons bmom at all hours of theday. She would often call me around 2:00 am....knowing I would be up feeding our son. It did not bother me one bit and it did not take away from our bonding time. The ironic thing was,...I was bonding with my son as I cuddle with him and fed him....but I was also bonding with B on the phone. Wow, I hadn't thought of that in a while. I knew that B needed me at that time and I was more than happy to be there for her...whenever she needed me. I was more of a comfort to her than her own counslers. But this is my story and this is what has worked for my family. [/font]
[font=Garamond]So, to answer your questions.....No, I do not think you are a bad person. You and she are both dealing with many emotions... that perhaps are unfamiliar. So, until each of you sorts them out....it is best to schedule what works for you at this moment. Time makes some of us stronger with good support. Find your support,... hang on to it.... because more than likely you will become the stronger one sooner than b-mom. Once you are able and if you are willing, you will be able to support her. I know that many b-moms on this forum say that it is not up to us a-moms in an open adoption to be the support for the b-moms in our lives.....but for me and B it has worked and how greatful to God I am that I have been there to support her during the darkest days of her life. She still calls me when she is at her lowest and I have always and will always be there for her !. She was my sons b-mom in the begining of this relationship,... but now she is also my friend, in fact one of my closest friends. [/font]
[font=Garamond]Yes, it does get easier for many, but it depends on the people that are involved everyone is different and everyone heals at different levels.[/font]
[font=Garamond]I do not know you or your sons b-mom, but I can only hope and pray that it will get easier sooner than later for the two of you. But like I said before you may become the stronger one first. By the way if she does not ask about the baby she may just be reaching out to you. It may be to difficult for her to hear about the baby. But she is keeping the door open with you and feels comfort in just hearing your voice. This has happened in my relationship with my sons B-mom, but I have never pushed the issue. I know she is comforted and at peace when we are talking.. not just when we talk about our son.....just everyday talk.[/font]
[font=Garamond]Please, be patient with her.... she has a big void in her life right now not only in her womb but also in her heart....and these may just be her darkest hours. When you are able you can pick up the piece to this relationship and build on it. It takes time to make a solid foundation when your building on sand. Sand, the many unfamiliar and crazy emotions, which fly through the air in this world of adoption:confused: It can be overwhelming when you are first introduced into this world.....and with an open adoption it can be more overwhelming...it has its own sets of issues. But once it becomes familiar it becomes easier and doable. [/font]
[font=Garamond]But remember this to shall pass with time. All we can do is Live...One Day At A Time. Peace and prayers be with you !!:wings: [/font]
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I am not advocating co-dependency or an unhealthy relationship. I am merely advocating a little understanding during this very difficult time (for both of you). I realize that goes both ways. I simply hope you are all able to find some middle ground that is comfy for both of you and not building up wall after wall after wall until you are worlds apart. I admire your desire to keep the adoption open. I truly believe that your child will be thankful for that if you do. I'll be praying for all of you.
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I just want to say thank you to all of you. It means so much to hear from people who have been there. And, I find that the people on these boards are just so loving. I actually ended up being the first to break our once a week deal. I called her that night because I was still so upset that she might be upset. She told me that she really did think that once a week was a good idea for now. She told me that I had to honor her and not call any other time and she had to do the same. She said she didn't think that all the emotions she was feeling were good to pass on to me because I had to take care of the baby. I asked her if she wanted me to send her pictures or tapes or anything. I promised I would overnight them right away. She said for now no. We left it that she will still be coming down for the blessing, which I am so excited about. So, for now we are going to talk once a week. I am going to just allow her to set the pace and the conversation and try so hard to be there when I can. I know we can do this. We developed such a wonderful relationship over the seven months we were matched, I just have to remember that it takes time and be sensitive to her pain without being the one to try and take it away.
Thanks again to all of you.
Much, much love,
K
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I am SO happy to hear your update!!
Sounds like she understands more than we realized :)
Good for her! and all of you!
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gottahavehope
Hi all: I am feeling really stressed and sad today. We are in an open adoption. Last week, our birthmother called and said she needed her distance because things are still really new and it was hard. We were upset but we respected that. A few days later she called because she got a new job and wanted us to buy products from her that she now sells. I really didn't want to, but I felt like I had no right to deny her anything so I did. She didn't ask about the baby, so I asked if she wanted to hear about him. She said No, but she has been calling every day for one reason or another.
She calls at different hours and I always feel such pressure to drop everything to talk to her. Today, she called but I was feeding the baby and my husband was not home so I didn't answer. It was the first time I did this since the baby has been home with us (about a month) She called my husband's cell frantic. He called me and told me to call her. She was hysterical saying that when she couldn't get a hold of me she thought something terrible had happened. She also said that she was afraid the baby would forget her. I assured her that he was doing great and that we wanted an open situation and so there was no way he would ever forget her.
She did admit that she was jealous and sad and angry about everything although in the next breath she says she knows she made the right decision. I ended up getting really upset on the phone because I felt so bad for her. We both ended up crying.
I finally got her and myself to calm down and we talked. I told her how important it was that we both be healthy for our son's sake. She asked if she could come visit at the end of the month because she will already be in our neighborhood visiting someone else. We are suppose to be on vacation with family at a wedding down south. I had to say no. She was devestated. I felt so guilty I thought about calling my family and telling them I couldn't be in the wedding. But, we are going to see her the following month for our son's blessing that we have asked her to be a part of. I'm not sure she understood though.
I ended up calling her sister later on to let her know that I think she needed some extra support. Her sister told me that she (our son's birthmother) was not going to counseling like she promised. She had stolen money from her, she was making really bad decisions, and not dealing with her grief at all. She was just feeling anger and rage at everyone because her life was not what she wanted it to be.
I just feel horrible. Her phone calls are so important but they leave me so shaken. My heart races and I get so upset. After our last call, I had to ask my husband to come home and I gave him our son because I was so emotional and I didn't want the baby to pick up on it.
In the end, I finally called her back and said that we both needed to be healthy to make sure the baby was being put first. I told her that I was in counseling and I really wanted her to be as well. I also said that we had to establish some boundaries. I said we would set a date each week to talk for the next few weeks until things calm down. I said that I was nervous about always having the phone on me for fear of missing her and it was stressing me out, and I didn't think it was healthy for her to be frantic when she couldn't get a hold of me. She agreeded, but I have a feeling she wasn't happy about it.
I feel terrible? Do you think I am terrible for doing that? I want this relationship to work so badly. I promised her, and I mean it, I will never close the adoption. I guess what I was hoping you could all tell me is DOES IT GET EASIER? I know that it is so new and we have all these emotions. I just can't imagine it being this raw forever. I can't imagine that the jealousy she feels, the guilt I feel, and the saddness we both feel is going to be good for our son.
Please help.....
peace,
K
I do believe you did the right thing, to set some boundaries. You are still available to her on a weekly basis but you are also able to find some normal rhythm to your life with your newborn.
Although it is your responsibility to be a part of maintaining an open and honest relationship with your child's first mother, you are NOT responsible for her post-partum care. As you said, she needs to see a counselor to work through some of her struggles, which I by no means wish to minimize. It has to be hard to go through the placement of a child. But, you are not a counselor (unless you are and even then, you are too close to the situation) and therefore don't have the skills to cope with helping her work through each and every issue. It isn't healthy for her or you or the baby.
I think it is important though, in the times that you do spend talking to her to give her your full attention and to listen, to be available to her needs. It does sound like you care deeply for her so I have no fear that in the time available together, you will do that. She may need reassurance that you will continue the open relationship without constant contact. But that will take time to build trust and understanding together on how your relationship will work.
Whatever you do, you should not feel guilty for needing boundaries. You are doing the thing she asked you to and that is to provide a safe and loving home for her child.
Does it get easier??? Tough question... it depends is all I can say. I call it the "bittersweet" and it is a part of our adoption journey with both our kiddos. We know that the first parents of our children are hurting, at some times more than others. We NEVER want to forget that, ever, ever, ever. But we also know that we have the sweet privilege of being parents to these precious kids, a privilege that was bestowed upon us by their first families. Sadness is a part of the relationship but as you work it out, I hope that the joy of seeing your child being raised well, will be there for both of you...
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gottahavehope
I just want to say thank you to all of you. It means so much to hear from people who have been there. And, I find that the people on these boards are just so loving. I actually ended up being the first to break our once a week deal. I called her that night because I was still so upset that she might be upset. She told me that she really did think that once a week was a good idea for now. She told me that I had to honor her and not call any other time and she had to do the same. She said she didn't think that all the emotions she was feeling were good to pass on to me because I had to take care of the baby. I asked her if she wanted me to send her pictures or tapes or anything. I promised I would overnight them right away. She said for now no. We left it that she will still be coming down for the blessing, which I am so excited about. So, for now we are going to talk once a week. I am going to just allow her to set the pace and the conversation and try so hard to be there when I can. I know we can do this. We developed such a wonderful relationship over the seven months we were matched, I just have to remember that it takes time and be sensitive to her pain without being the one to try and take it away.
Thanks again to all of you.
Much, much love,
K
Golly, guess I should have read the whole thread!!!! So glad to hear this update... that is wonderful that you both were able to communicate your feelings and to make clear your expectations and find a compromise that works. Sometimes the structure is the best thing... best of luck to you!!!
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[font=Comic Sans MS]YOU ARE NOT WRONG FOR FEELING THE WAY THAT YOU DO. I THINK YOU ARE CORRECT FOR PUTTING UP BOUNDARIES. SHE NEEDS TO GET COUNSELING TO DEAL WITH HER GRIEF. I THINK IF SHE WANTS PHOTO'S OR LETTER SHE IS ENTITLED TO THOSE THINGS. SHE NEEDS TO COPE WITH HER PAIN AND LOSS. YOU DON'T NEED TO PUT UP WITH HER ERRATIC BEHAVIOR. YOU DON'T NEED THE STRESS IN YOUR LIFE. IF I WERE YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND SIT DOWN WITH THE ADOPTION AGENCY AND FIND OUT HOW YOU CAN LIMIT HER CALLS. I REALLY DON'T THINK SHE'S THINKING ABOUT HER CHILD'S BEST INTEREST RIGHT NOW. SHE REALLY NEEDS TO TALK TO A THERAPIST. GOOD LUCK TO YOU, GOD BLESS [/font]
gottahavehope
Hi all: I am feeling really stressed and sad today. We are in an open adoption. Last week, our birthmother called and said she needed her distance because things are still really new and it was hard. We were upset but we respected that. A few days later she called because she got a new job and wanted us to buy products from her that she now sells. I really didn't want to, but I felt like I had no right to deny her anything so I did. She didn't ask about the baby, so I asked if she wanted to hear about him. She said No, but she has been calling every day for one reason or another.
She calls at different hours and I always feel such pressure to drop everything to talk to her. Today, she called but I was feeding the baby and my husband was not home so I didn't answer. It was the first time I did this since the baby has been home with us (about a month) She called my husband's cell frantic. He called me and told me to call her. She was hysterical saying that when she couldn't get a hold of me she thought something terrible had happened. She also said that she was afraid the baby would forget her. I assured her that he was doing great and that we wanted an open situation and so there was no way he would ever forget her.
She did admit that she was jealous and sad and angry about everything although in the next breath she says she knows she made the right decision. I ended up getting really upset on the phone because I felt so bad for her. We both ended up crying.
I finally got her and myself to calm down and we talked. I told her how important it was that we both be healthy for our son's sake. She asked if she could come visit at the end of the month because she will already be in our neighborhood visiting someone else. We are suppose to be on vacation with family at a wedding down south. I had to say no. She was devestated. I felt so guilty I thought about calling my family and telling them I couldn't be in the wedding. But, we are going to see her the following month for our son's blessing that we have asked her to be a part of. I'm not sure she understood though.
I ended up calling her sister later on to let her know that I think she needed some extra support. Her sister told me that she (our son's birthmother) was not going to counseling like she promised. She had stolen money from her, she was making really bad decisions, and not dealing with her grief at all. She was just feeling anger and rage at everyone because her life was not what she wanted it to be.
I just feel horrible. Her phone calls are so important but they leave me so shaken. My heart races and I get so upset. After our last call, I had to ask my husband to come home and I gave him our son because I was so emotional and I didn't want the baby to pick up on it.
In the end, I finally called her back and said that we both needed to be healthy to make sure the baby was being put first. I told her that I was in counseling and I really wanted her to be as well. I also said that we had to establish some boundaries. I said we would set a date each week to talk for the next few weeks until things calm down. I said that I was nervous about always having the phone on me for fear of missing her and it was stressing me out, and I didn't think it was healthy for her to be frantic when she couldn't get a hold of me. She agreeded, but I have a feeling she wasn't happy about it.
I feel terrible? Do you think I am terrible for doing that? I want this relationship to work so badly. I promised her, and I mean it, I will never close the adoption. I guess what I was hoping you could all tell me is DOES IT GET EASIER? I know that it is so new and we have all these emotions. I just can't imagine it being this raw forever. I can't imagine that the jealousy she feels, the guilt I feel, and the saddness we both feel is going to be good for our son.
Please help.....
peace,
K
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